Santa, the real enemy

I am so glad to hear that somebody finally called Santa on his whole “ho, ho, ho!” greeting. It’s about time. Calling young children “Ho’s” is something that not even rap artists would stoop to.

While we’re at it, I’ve got some other issues with Santa I’d like to bring up:

“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus”
This bizarre sexual fetish song has always bothered me: little kid gets out of bed and finds mom and dad canoodling in front of the Christmas tree, with daddy dressed up as Santa. Oh, that’s not dad, you say? Well, then, it’s even worse: you’re telling me Santa takes time out on Christmas Eve to slip a little extra something into mommy’s stockings? Sounds like an STD sleigh ride.

Discrimination
According to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (both song AND movie), Santa ought to be wearing a big white hood instead of a cap. He doesn’t give Rudolph a chance just because of the red nose. The poor thing is lucky it didn’t end up as a glowing venison steak on Christmas Eve.

And another thing, why doesn’t Santa go to the houses of non-Christian kids? Doesn’t he like all children? He’s a dirty racist theocrat!

Combination slavemaster and child exploiter
For somebody who makes his living breaking into children’s houses, why is it that Santa keeps a pack of them chained to his assembly line? Just because he sticks pointy ears on them doesn’t make them “elves.” Elves are tall and shoot arrows and are godawful dangerous. Everybody knows that from Lord of the Rings.

We know they’re slaves, because he doesn’t sell the toys but rather gives them out for free. Where does his money come from? Does he sell ads on his sleigh, like NASCAR? And when these “elves” grow up, what happens to them? Does he sell them to the sex dens of Thailand?

Inefficiencies
You’re telling me that a guy who can circumnavigate the globe in one night and goes up and down chimneys magically needs a whole year to make toys for the children? What’s wrong, he’s not whipping his child slaves hard enough or something? If his fat butt can slide up and down a chimney like butter in a furnace, he can make toys in less than a year.

Environmental Damage
Why does Santa have his home at the North Pole? I’ll tell you why: it’s actually a front for a giant Arctic oil-drilling platform controlled by Russia that produces millions of barrels of crude and pollutes the arctic environment while fueling Vladimir Putin’s international ambitions at global power.

That red suit? It’s because he’s a commie.

[Note: This story has got to be made up. Are there really people this stupid loose in the world?]