Ricky Williams is set to return to the NFL, and it appears that he’ll be going back to Miami. However, this presents a serious problem to the Dolphins: will the addition of an average running back suddenly transform their putrid offense to merely terrible, thus giving them a chance to win against a team which has been decimated by injuries and poisoned sushi?
It would be better if Miami didn’t play Williams, but rather immediately dealt him to one of the other 31 NFL franchises in order to protect their dream of an 0-16 season.
So let’s take a look at which team might be the appropriate choice for Ricky:
Trade For: Matt Leinart
Pros: What Miami is really missing is a “name” QB to lead them to a winless season and validate their struggles. Owing to his drastically overrated college experience, Leinart is a big-name QB without any real chance of winning a game by himself.
Cons: Phoenix is awfully close to Mexico, and anyone who watches Spring Break movies knows that it’s a cesspool of degradation and debauchery, which will be awfully tempting for the newly-reformed Williams.
Trade For: The rights to Michael Vick when he gets out of prison
Pros: The Atlanta fans are very forgiving and willing to overlook any kind of misdemeanor.
Cons: If Miami doesn’t suck in 3 years, Atlanta may find it difficult to get Vick’s rights back. But that scenario seems unlikely.
Trade For: Tony Siragusa’s affiliation with the team
Pros: Any regular commentator won’t do for an 0-16 run; you need an epically bad commentator who is barely literate and who makes asinine, non sequiter commentary. Enter the Goose.
Cons: Baltimore player personnel man Ozzie Newsome might slap Ricky Williams (in keeping with his philosophy) and damage his fragile psyche.
Trade For: The legacy of OJ Simpson
Pros: This is a zero-sum deal, since both objects (Williams and Simpsons’ legacy) are worthless.
Cons: Would require approval of Ronald Goldman.
Trade For: Steve Smith
Pros: Smith is unhappy with the Panthers. After he gets a taste of what a dreadful team is like, he’ll be begging to play for a mediocre one.
Cons: There’s a slight risk of victory by adding a top wide receiver to the Dolphins.
Trade For: Rex Grossman and 5 million dollars
Pros: If Miami really wants to go “catastrophically bad” then they need a guy capable of posting a QB rating in single digits.
Cons: If they had any sense, Miami wouldn’t accept Grossman for 5 million dollars.
Trade For: Chad Johnson (released from Bengals for Time Served)
Pros: As long as he’s coming back from a disciplinary suspension, why shouldn’t Williams go to the NFL’s version of a chain gang?
Cons: I’m not sure Ricky Williams deserves being sent to live in Cincinnati.
Trade For: Jamaal Lewis
Pros: On rolling paper this seems like an even swap, except Lewis’ legs have more yardage on them from running away from police.
Cons: Cleveland may not be motivated to make this move for the slight gain from over-the-hill running back to never-was running back.
Trade For: Tony Romo’s latest romantic conquest
Pros: If Terrell Owens can prosper here, then so can Ricky Williams.
Cons: Nate Newton may still live in the area.
Trade For: A sliver of Mike Shanahan’s ample ego
Pros: Will help lift Miami’s spirits even as they plumb the depths of ineptitude.
Cons: Williams may become discouraged once he learns the exact meaning of Rocky Mountain High.
Trade For: Defensive coach Joe Cullen
Pros: Cullen’s pantsless drive-through approach is probably weirding out John Kitna, who could also help Ricky to find religion and turn his life around.
Cons: There’s a risk that Cullen could keep Miami’s opponents to under 25 points per game, thus jeopardizing their shot at 0-16.
Trade For: Access to Brett Favre’s reyouthanator.
Pros: After spending some time in Favre’s reyouthanator, Dan Marino will be ready for another NFL season.
Cons: Even with Marino the Dolphins would be 20 players short of a decent college football team.
Trade For: Mario Williams
Pros: Would finally achieve the secret desire of every Texans fans: Mario Williams for a running back. No new jersey required, either!
Cons: Similar problems to Arizona.
Trade For: The curse of Mono Tiki Tia, which has decimated their season with injuries
Pros: The voodoo curse that has seized the Colts the last two weeks will only be broken by a skilled spiritualist like Ricky Williams.
Cons: It is unclear how Miami’s curse and the Indianapolis curse would interact; the resulting vortex of injurious incompetence might destroy Southern Florida as we know it.
Trade For: John Carney (kicker)
Pros: Do you really want a guy named “Carney” on your team?
Cons: Jacksonville likes to play just at the level of their opponent, which might be difficult if they’re facing a top-notch running back.
Trade For: The Kansas City Chief, who will henceforth be riding a Dolphin to make the scariest mascot combo in the sports universe.
Pros: It’s hard to get into any trouble in Kansas.
Cons: Kansas is really, really, really boring.
Trade For: Fred Smoot’s little black book
Pros: Dolphins players need aid and comfort wherever they can find them, and there’s plenty of warm water in the vicinity to go boating.
Cons: At the rate Minnesota is going through running backs, Williams will be on IR before he’s two games into his new career.
Trade For: 100x magnification secret hoodie camera
Pros: New England has a good track record of reforming players with past disciplinary and attitude problems.
Cons: Putting Williams and Randy Moss together might lead to the Patriots’ season going up in smoke.
Trade For: Reggie Bush
Pros: The last time somebody picked Williams over Bush, it didn’t turn out so bad.
Cons: This pairing didn’t work out so well the first time.
Trade For: Michael Strahan
Pros: This would help Strahan go to a more low-profile environment as he recovers from his painful divorce.
Cons: If a firm marriage like the Strahans couldn’t make it in New York, how are Ricky Williams and Mike Ditka going to make it last there?
Trade For: Chad Pennington’s surgeon
Pros: After playing New England twice, Miami will desperately need doctor.
Cons: Since the Jets play in New Jersey but are called New York, you can imagine that it’ll be difficult for Williams to figure out just exactly where to go on game day.
Trade For: JaMarcus Russell
Pros: As long as the Raiders aren’t going to develop their QB of the future, he might as well not develop in Miami.
Cons: The last weed-smoking bad boy the Raiders took a chance on didn’t pan out so well with them. But on the upside, Williams could look forward to a massive career revival when he left the Raiders.
Trade For: Donovan McNabb
Pros: There’s no backup QB to threaten McNabb in Miami the way there is in Philadelphia. Plus, the weather is much nicer in Miami.
Cons: Williams may not be mobile enough to satisfy the local Philadelphia NAACP.
Trade For: Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle helmet (practically unused!)
Pros: The Steelers really need a running back to step in and fill Jerome Bettis’ place.
Cons: It’s really, really cold in Pittsburgh, and their baseball team is terrible.
Trade For: Chargers coach Norv Turner
Pros: I’m sure that Miami coach Cam Cameron is a nice guy and all, but do you really trust him with the difficult task of going unwon? If ever a coaching job called for the singular incompetence of Norv Turner, it was this one.
Cons: San Diego allegedly has a pretty good running back, although there’s been scant evidence of that this year.
Trade For: Joe Montana’s jock strap
Pros: This is one item that none of the current 49ers players are worthy to carry anyways.
Cons: Neither are any of the Dolphins players.
Trade For: Shaun Alexander
Pros: Big step up for Seattle.
Cons: Big step down for Miami, even if Ricky Williams is already burned out.
Trade For: Crumpled papers from under Mike Martz’ old office couch
Pros: No matter what’s written on those papers, they detail a better offensive scheme than the one employed by the Dolphins.
Cons: The Dolphins don’t nearly have the personnel to carry out the schematics outlined on the papers.
Trade For: Ronde Barber
Pros: Barber will bolster the Dolphins defense, and help shore up Tampa Bay’s running back problems.
Cons: Tiki Barber might be moved to come out of retirement to keep his brother from having a Super Bowl ring AND a winless season, thus making Ronde able to top Tiki when telling war stories at family reunions.
Trade For: Diagrams of the Music City Miracle play.
Pros: Will give the Dolphins offense at least one forward pass in their playbook.
Cons: In order for a forward pass to work, you need a quarterback.
Trade For: Owner Daniel Snyder
Pros: Going winless couldn’t happen to a nicer guy than Snyder.
Cons: I don’t know who owns the Dolphins, but he certainly doesn’t deserve to be saddled with the Redskins.