Democrats Request Moving Election to December

Bowing to pressure from Al Sharpton, who called the Democratic primary system “a cabal of old white people deciding how best to flog their slaves,” DNC chair Howard Dean announced today that the Democratic primary between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be expanded to include the non-caucasian populations of Africa and the country of Iran, but not including Iraq, because “the military would just rig the vote there anyways.”

“As the primary affronter of human dignity throughout the world, and the country most morally responsible for slavery, it is only correct that we allow native peoples in these countries to select our next president,” Dean said in a statement. “The Democratic party is glad to include them in this historic primary process.”

Barack Obama also heralded the news as “historic” and said that “it was high time we recognized that Libya, which our country founded in the seventeen hundreds as a homeland for freed slaves, is just as American as Detroit or Puerto Rico. It’s just too bad we can’t include Afghanistan, but the lack of Arabic speakers to interpret the ballots makes it impossible to get a good read on this land at the crossroads of civilization.”

Hillary Clinton called the move “a dirty trick worthy of Nixon” and said that the entire process had become “a stunt to give Obama the votes he so desperately needs to overcome the threshold of delegates to gain the nomination.”
Dean said that the additional primaries were necessary to make sure that “we can adequately represent the wishes and desires of the Western Hemisphere, regardless of their nation of origin, our key European allies, who have been close to use during both war and peace, and the indigenous peoples of Africa, to whom we owe so much.”