Is it just me, or…

Does anybody else worry that when they have to stick their finger down into a magnetized paper clip holder they’re getting bombarded with harmful magnetic radiation that will give them arthritis, joint cancer, or erectile dysfunction?

Would anybody else buy a video game where you took the role of a storm trooper tasked with destroying the Ewoks? You could call it “Grand Theft ATAT: Moons of Endor.”

Does anybody else hurry through metal detectors because they’re worried that they emit some kind of harmful radiation that can potentially cause scabies, lupus, or erective dysfunction?

Has anyone else begun to think that some of the reason college graduates can’t find a job is because they pick stupid majors that nobody pays you to actually practice, like Sociology or Journalism?

Does anybody wish they had a lead overcoat when they go to the store because they’re afraid the anti-theft device could cause lockjaw, shrinkage, or erectile dysfunction? Don’t laugh; I haven’t bought a CD or movie in twelve years because I can’t find a lead overcoat.

Have you ever laid awake at night worrying that your neighbor watched the same horror movie that you did, but was only inspired to start committing atrocities instead of filled with existential dread for his own existence like you were?

Does anybody else avoid the library because you’re worried that the 1950’s-era anti-theft system uses hard radiation, points right at your crotch, and is probably the reason that 99% of all librarians are lesbian women because it afflicted all logophiles with either spontaneous Bobbitation or erectile dysfunction?

Or is all that just me?