Monday, June 23, 2008

Democratic Jealousy Threatens to Derail Majority

Insiders warned today that a rift in the Democratic Party threatened to derail their control of 2/3 of the government and severely hamper President-to-be Barack Obama’s agenda over the next four years.

“It seems like every Democratic peer is working on his own little Nobel Prize proposal now,” said one insider. “First Al Gore wins a Nobel Peace Prize for a home-movie slide show, now this. We can’t get any progress on our goals as a party.”

Party chairman Howard Dean is said to be very concerned about the issue, but is busy writing his memoirs of the 2008 campaign: “The Audacity of Hype: How My Leadership Transformed Rancor into Victory.”

One Hill staffer said that Nancy Pelosi has been shut in her for two months working on a treatise titled “We Cant’ Drill our Way to Lower Oil Prices: why supply and demand no longer apply.”
“She’s hell-bent on proving Adam Smith wrong,” the staffer said. “It’d be a big shock to generations of economics majors if she turned out to be right, though.”

Pelosi is not the only Democratic congressmember hoping for the Economics Prize. A group of Senate Democrats are feverishly writing a detailed thesis on why their loans are just like everybody else’s loans, titled “Opportunity Costs and Friendly Loans: Why Time Spent at Angelo’s Cocktail Parties was So Not Worth It.”

Other notable Nobel entries in preparation:

We can’t kill our way to victory: by Jack Murtha.
Though Murtha hopes to submit this for the Peace Prize, those knowledgeable of the project say it will actually be for the Nobel Prize for Literature because it is his firsthand account of “the true story of the Haditha massacres.”

We can’t convict our way to lower crime rates: by William Jefferson.
Submitted for the Nobel Prize in medicine because of it’s ground-breaking study that all criminals are not at all to be blamed for their crimes and should be let off scot free. It also includes a taunt at Chris Dodd, saying that “only fools are bribed for less than 5G.”

We can’t feed people out of starvation by Harry Reid
Submitted for the Nobel Prize for Agriculture, which doesn’t exist, but which Reid is hoping they will create in order to give him a million dollars. Rumors that Reid has contributed a large swath of land in Nevada for a Nobel Museum are unconfirmed.

Yes, we can! By Barack Obama
Submitted for the Nobel Prize for Being Barack Obama. This statue has already been cast and the hall rented out for the awards ceremony; it has only to be formally awarded to make it a fait accompli.

Home Brewing the Kennedy Way by Patrick Kennedy
Submitted for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

No comments: