Friday, June 20, 2008

Jed Clampett is a Climate Criminal

I never thought I’d live to see the day when the most reviled man in America would turn out to be Jed Clampett. Shame on Buddy Ebsen and Jim Varney for playing him on TV and in the movies!

Don’t believe me? Just take a look at Clampett’s crimes against humanity:

He drilled for oil!
Without a permit, no less. Listen, drilling for oil is bad. This is one of those things that both major candidates can agree on. I’m sure it’s because oil drilling rigs use baby kittens as lubricant, cause massive environmental damage that kills rare and beautiful animals, and despoils pristine land masses, like nude beaches. And Clampett just up and drilled away.

He owned guns!
In some ways, this is even worse than drilling for oil. I hope and pray that the day will come when this nation will give up its obsession with weapons and let the government confiscate them all, leading to a new age of peace and freedom, just like in the UK, where surveillance cameras now capture every second of you being stabbed to death in public as people rush by on their errands.

He had a CO2 footprint bigger than Mecha-Godzilla!
Not only did he have that big oil well spewing toxic gasses all over, his gigantic mansion lacked even rudimentary energy-saving devices. What’s worse, he insisted on driving around an overloaded rattle-trap truck with no emissions control systems.

He exploited the natives!
There’s an episode of the Beverly Enviro-Rapists about how part of Jed’s land actually belongs to the local natives, but he’s never sold it to them or let them have any profit or even let them build a casino. Is it that much of a stretch to imagine that one of Jed’s ancestors, knowing full well the mineral value of the land, hoodwinked them for trinkets and beads?

He took special favors from banks!
On second thought, this is apparently a-OK for members of congress and other high-interest people. So at least on this score, he’s a real American hero.

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