Thursday, June 19, 2008

Return to Imperialism

Everybody says that Americans have built a new Roman Empire, but I don’t think that’s true. When the Romans conquered somebody, they had the good sense to bring back souvenirs. That’s why today there are Egyptian obelisks all over Rome.

Whenever we conquer somebody, we just end up with a bitchy ally who complains about the way we do things but never lifts a finger to help.

That’s why we need to import the following cultural treasures from other countries and put them to use right now:

The Great Wall of China
The Chinese hardly need this any more. It’s not like the Mongols aren’t going to be coming over the top any time soon. So we might as well bring this to the US and put it to good use between the US and Mexico. We can hire the guys that put London Bridge in Lake Havasu, since they’ve already got experience doing this sort of thing.

The Pyramids
Not only is Egypt full of these things, they provide a really tangible benefit to the country that has them: according to the game Civilization, if you build pyramids you get to pick whatever type of government you want! I vote that we switch ours for “competent.”

Russian Tennis Schools
I don’t know whether they’ve got some kind of cloning device in the basement of these places, or a robotics lab, or what. But the reality is this: female Russian tennis players are hot! But they’re wasting their time canoodling with washed-up second-generation singers and stuff. In America we’d realize the full potential of these women in the sport of kings: Foxy Boxing.

Easter Island Heads
The ancient Greeks used to set out Herms everywhere, which were basically heads on top of giant penises. Kind of like a bronze-age Kos Diarist. That’s a little “adult” for the US, but these are the next-best thing: inscrutable giant heads. Environmentalists will really go for this, too, because you can tell them that it’ll make Americans think about saving trees or some crap like that. As if a giant stone head makes you think of a tree.

I’m sure there are other great cultural treasures out there we could grab besides these. If you have any suggestions I’d love to hear ‘em.

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