Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Al Gore: Super Villain?

(originally posted at RDW)

I’ve given the matter of Al Gore’s energy use a lot of thought, and there’s only really one likely scenario that comes to mind to explain his massive utility bills: he’s crossed over from regular villainy to cartoonish super-villainy.

There are three cases to explain what his evil plan is for world domination:

1) Mind-Control Ray
First Gore started beating the drum about environmental dangers and fanning the flames of Bush hatred to reduce mental resistance to suggestion. Next, he worked on his advanced mind-control device, conveniently located in central Tennessee, where he will have a straight shot at the satellites needed to use transmit the signal all over the world.

Then he tests his device, using it to get a Nobel Peace Prize despite the fact that his efforts have yielded no results whatsoever, least of all improving peace, but rather may be responsible for increased violence as food crops are turned into fuel.

Any minute he’ll throw the switch and we’ll suddenly find ourselves compelled to walk to work and live in solar-powered huts, while he and his cronies fly around in private jets telling us how we need to eat more feces to be environmentally responsible.

2) The Weather Machine
We know that Gore is obsessed with the weather. Is it possible that he’s taken up Mark Twain’s ancient challenge to do something about it? Therefore, he’s working day and night on a machine to try to cool the planet, perhaps plunging it into a new ice age.
The Gore Effect? That’s a feature, not a bug.

3) An Army of Bigfeet
Imagine if one day, with access to the secrets of both Area 51 and the government files on Bigfeet roaming in Colorado, the Vice President got the bright idea to use alien technology to create a cybernetically-enhanced race of carbon-neutral Bigfeet to carry out his dark desires to demote humanity back to the Stone Age.

Earth in the Balance was published in 1992, meaning that the first generation of Bigfeet are nearing adulthood. Any day now they will appear and seize control, marking the beginning of a Planet of the Apes style reign of terror.

Our only hope is that a secret service agent can rise up and stop this evil terror, whether it’s Bigfeet, mind-control, or (shudder) Bigfeet with snow cannons and mind-control rays.

But where would we find such a man? Who could possibly infiltrate and destroy this evil genius’ lair?

I don’t know about you, but I vote for this guy:
Help us, Chuck Norris! You’re our only hope!

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