Red Bull Sued by Litigious Morons

Doctor Arthur Hoyte, recently thwarted in his lawsuit against Kentucky Fried Chicken, today announced that he would sue popular energy drink manufacturer Red Bull for what he called “fake promises, fraudulent advertising, and unappealing packaging.” His lawyer, Roy Pearson from the firm Pearson, Cheatem, and Hutz, filed suit in Washington district court earlier today.

“This company has flagrantly flouted the law, not just with their commercials, but with every single can of this concoction that they sell,” said Pearson. “We’re suing on behalf of everyone around the world who has swilled down this filth, and we want to send a message to corporations that they just can’t act this way.”

Hoyte says that the root of the problem is their advertising. “They claim that Red Bull gives you wings. Well, as a qualified physician, I can assure you that nothing of the kind happens when you drink Red Bull. In fact, it gives you hardening of the arteries, or at least, I think it might lead to an increased chance of a possibility of hardened arteries, depending upon your lifestyle and family history. And in medical terms that’s a pretty good case.”

Pearson agreed. “I haven’t felt this strongly about guilt since the dry cleaner lost my 65-million dollar pants. Now, it’s clear that millions of people have drunk this bull’s urine and ended up without wings. Who knows how many of them have plunged to untimely deaths trying to fly off of tall buildings? And with that irresponsible show Heroes out there, the problem will get worse, not better.”

Hoyte said he was asking for damages of six hundred billion dollars. “Each can could ruin somebody’s life, which is worth several millions of dollars. Even though I’ve never drunk the cans myself, I have seen them drunk, and I really don’t care for that logo. It looks too much like the Buffalo Bills, aka the Jan Ullrich of the football world.”

Pearson, who also serves as a Judge in the Washington administrative hearings district, added that he felt the case was a sure winner. “The mistake I made in my last case was representing myself. This time I’m representing someone else, but I’ve been sure to file it in my own court so that I can be sure that the judge is friendly. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”