Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Slapfight on Capitol Hill

Several Democratic senate members and presidential hopefuls erupted into a slapfight at the Capitol today during a meeting between them and fellow campaigner John Edwards, who has been critical of the senate’s handling of the Iraq war spending bill. Majority Leader Harry Reid tried to separate the combatants, but quickly admitted defeat and retreated to Vermont.

“It was utter chaos,” said one campaign staffer. “Somebody asked for the presidential hopefuls to stand together for a photo, and Edwards told Chris Dodd that only the serious candidates should be in the picture. From there it got nasty.”

Arguments among the five had started early, when after Hillary Clinton sat down at the meeting table they all tried to sit to her left but could not find chairs. Finally Reid stepped in and, showing his leadership skills, asked everyone to meet standing up.

“I hope everyone knows that violence is the opposite of hope.” Said Barack Obama. “And hopefully we can find new hope from the ashes of our old hopes to find common hopes on which to build our future.”

Clinton spoke bitterly of the event. “It’s just another manifestation of the vast right-wing conspiracy. I think I saw Rush Limbaugh’s shadow in there, and I know I saw Karl Rove’s fingerprints all over the seating arrangements. Nobody’s more left than me, for goodness sakes. I’m practically a socialist!”

Edwards was not available for comment, as he had to be rushed from the room for an emergency mousse transplant after some water hit his coif.

Chris Dodd was still fuming hours after the incident. “I’m a serious candidate, honestly. Just because most people don’t know who I am or what my qualifications are or what I believe in doesn’t mean I’m not a serious candidate. I’ve got actual credentials, unlike some people named Obama.”

Senator Biden said he had no comment, a first for his career.