Wednesday, May 30, 2007

What to do with Brittney and Lindsay?

As you may have read, rehab didn’t take for Lindsay Lohan, who was once again arrested for DUI. And it apparently didn’t take for Brittney Spears, who has taken to blogging rambling apologies for her erratic behavior. What should we do about these two troubled souls?

Never fear! I have developed a solution which will catapult them back to superstardom, help them work through some of these personal problems, and establish a whole new fan base for these two women:

Jello wrestling.

I’m not kidding. Imagine it: these two bikini-clad gladiatresses striving for victory in a twelve-round Jello jigglefest offered only on pay-per-view. La Hoya versus Mayweather? Forget about it. Across the country guys will shell out $49 for sixty minutes of true must-see TV. You get Larry Merchant to call it and it’s a ratings bonanza for whatever network is lucky enough to get the rights.

The still photos alone would be worth millions.

There’s never going to be a better time to get them to agree to it. Brittney’s at the nadir of her legitimate career, the ultimate low point before she takes the plunge and dives into late-night cable pseudo porn in a desperate attempt to hold on to her eroding popularity. And every day brings us closer to the seemingly inevitable Lindsay Lohan sex tape, nervous breakdown, or both.

But all those problems can be washed away in a tide of jello.

First of all, the winner can then declare herself “Jello Champion” and challenge other troubled performers to take her crown. Imagine Brittney defending her crown versus Paris Hilton, Anne Heche, or (dare we dream?) a tag-team match of Lohan/Spears versus the Olson Twins.

I can see this becoming a trend. Any actress or singer hoping to regain some popularity would gladly add this to the front end of the predictable “Playboy-Skinimax-Breakdown-Infomercial” route. If nothing else it’s good exercise.

The loser can pocket her earnings and either retire or, if she wishes, hit the daytime talk show circuit and complain about exploitation and her emotional problems. She could cry on Oprah’s shoulder about how she had jello stuck in her ears for a month, or that she was coerced into it by her boyfriend, or whatever. She could appear on E!’s “Behind the Jiggle” special.

And let’s not overlook the psychological boost that is sure to come from being the center of attention again, coupled with the excitement of competitive sports. Add to that the joy of getting to knock senseless one of your competitors for the hearts and minds of the fickle American public, and I think you’ll agree that we’re going to see some real fireworks in those jello tubs.

And we all know that every red-blooded American male loves a catfight!