Taliban Official: Surge Is Failure

A top Taliban official in Afghanistan today criticized Taliban leader Mullah Omar, saying that his promised Spring "Surge" Offensive was a failure and that the fundamentalist government had become trapped in a “quagmire” in Afghanistan.

“We heard for several months about this operation to destroy the crusader forces led by NATO in the so-called Spring Surge Offensive,” said Mullah Jumblyah on a Taliban-allied website Monday. “But instead our greatest field commander and top-ranked DJ Mullah Dadullah has been killed, our forces have been beaten back at every turn, and we’re being attacked on our flanks by former allies. It is time to declare Afghanistan a quagmire and withdraw to more favorable areas, like Waziristan or Okinawa.”

“Utter nonsense,” said a spokesman for Mullah Omar. “We’re not trapped in a quagmire, we’re just stuck in a situation where we can’t go forward or backwards and we can’t manage to meet our goals or get anything accomplished. But I wouldn’t call that a quagmire. I’m confident that any day now we’ll see the re-establishment of Islamic government in Afghanistan, just like in the good old days between the Soviet retreat and when NATO swept us from power like scurrying cockroaches.”

Military analyst James Jockanoon said that the Taliban’s situation was grim. “It turns out that people like this are very effective against uneducated women and ancient Buddhist statues. Against armed free peoples, they struggle to achieve any real goals.”

Other analysts pointed out that the recent silence from Osama Bin Laden could indicate that he was planning an attack of spectacular magnitude or was dead, but admitted they had no idea which one.