Iran President Eases Tensions

In a bid to ease tensions over Iran’s desire for nuclear power, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today sent letters to fifteen heads of state, including George Bush. On an exclusive basis TIC News has obtained a copy of this letter.

“Dear brother leaders,

Usually I am suspicious of such letters like this, but I have come to believe in the power of this particular letter. It has a long and glorious history, and I urge you to follow its tenants closely. I have been burned before, like when I got a letter from Robert Mugabe telling me that he had sixteen million dollars in an account where I was listed as next of kin but ended up stealing all my money. Also, I remember when I sent my bank details to Kim Jong Il to expatriate some money from North Korea and he ended up ruining my credit rating, but that is also forgiven since he gave us some nuclear details a few years ago.

This one, though, is different.

You have the luckiest letter you will ever read in your hands. Over eighty years ago a little-known politician wrote this letter and sent it to fifteen friends around the globe. Within a few years, he had become the dictatorial leader of the world’s largest country, a position he held for over 30 years until his death. During this time he was beloved by his country and feted by the intellectuals of other countries, and all the while he carried on a massive campaign of repression and brutality. You can do it too! All you have to do is continue the chain.

Two receivers of the poem were little-known agitators in Latin America, but soon after receiving the note they took over an entire island nation. One of them has ruled since that time with repression and cruelty, and the other is the most popular T-Shirt character since Bart Simpson.

Another person who received the note broke the chain and ended up being thrown in jail by his government. While in jail he remembered the note, sent it on, and eventually ended up with a mighty military empire that threatened to take over all of Europe. His feats of savagery were notorious, but when he got the letter again he contemptuously threw it away, and ended up having to shoot himself in his bunker to avoid capture when his country collapsed into ruin. But I am certain reports of his atrocities are overblown, if they happened at all.

Another lucky respondent did send on the letter, then murdered the fifteen people he sent it to and took over part of his small Asian peninsula. His son continues to rule there, despite the fact that he’s starved millions and is little more than a glorified counterfeiter with bad hair who smells like cat pee.

A receiver in the US did not forward the poem and had his bungling operatives caught while attempting to steal sensitive information from his opponents. Another receiver did forward the poem and became president despite lacking qualifications and achieved almost nothing beyond having great personal popularity. A current recipient has arrogated almost dictatorial powers in South America for himself despite having plunged the country into corruption and disaster.

One recipient of the poem in the Middle East did not forward the poem and found his country invaded and almost destroyed, but managed to send off copies just ahead of his enemies and saved his position as dictator. When he received it a second time, he did not send it out again and ended up toppled, caught in a spiderhole, and hung by his former subjects.

All these reasons and more are why I urge you to forward this note, for the sake of yourselves, that you may stay in power until you die and are not forced to deal with the poverty and destruction that you have wreaked. Remember that the worst fate a despot can face is to have to answer to those he has subjugated.

Take my advice: don’t break the chain!’