Monday, October 8, 2007

Curious George and the Child Safety Advocates

This is George. Even though he’s a monkey, George is a lot like you: he’s young, has a bright future, and probably has negligent parents, guardians, or caregivers. Fortunately, Child Safety Advocacy Groups are working with local governments and law enforcement to help protect children like you and George. Let’s watch George as he demonstrates some of the many ways that today’s lifestyle is dangerously unacceptable for children just like you.

This is George riding a bicycle. This is not good. Where is George’s helmet? Where are his kneepads? Where is the supervising adult? Roads today are clogged with drivers choking on their own rage, most of them drunk or high or both. It is never safe to ride a bicycle. It is certain that soon George will be hit by an SUV driven by a drunk on a cell phone. Do not ever do this.

This is George working as a window washer. This is wrong. Children should never be forced to work. If your parents, guardians, or caregivers ever force you to work for money, you must immediately notify a teacher or other non-parent, guardian, or caregiver so that they can help you, usually by calling the police. Then, some nice people called the Fosters will take care of you while your parents talk to a judge about why you have to work so hard. Once your parents agree not to make you work any more, you can go live with them again.

Here, George is working on a movie. This is not the same as manual labor, because if you work on a movie you could be famous someday, and everybody wants to be famous. So this is good. But working on a movie is hard, and takes up to nineteen hours a day. If you are fortunate enough to work in movies or television you should be grateful for the opportunity. Playing sports for money is also good for you. Sports are only unhealthy if they are done competitively for fun. Otherwise, you can be sure that the adults in charge have your best interests at heart.

Here is George smoking. This is very bad. Smoking is a way for evil American Southerners to oppress children, the uneducated, and the third world by exporting a cancerous weed that destroys families and causes gingivitis. The Child Safety Advocates are working on laws to prevent smoking everywhere except for the moon, and especially to outlaw smoking in the presence of children. If one of your parents, guardians, or caregivers smokes, be sure to tell your health professional about it at once so that they can help them to stop, and perhaps tell the Fosters to come take care of you for a while so your parent, guardian, or caregiver can clean up their act. You will like living with the Fosters; they are very nice.

This is George in prison. He picked up a stick, pointed it at another child, and said “bang”, so he will have to spend some time in jail. George will also need to see the psychiatrist. Any kind of play which can be construed as violent is the sign of an unbalanced mind and must be stopped immediately with the harshest possible consequences. If George had harassed another student, he wouldn’t even see the psychiatrist; he would be tried as an adult, registered as a sex offender, and jailed for life. That is what is best for George and for society.

Here is George in the hospital. He has broken his leg, probably after being hit by a crack-addled man in an SUV. The doctor is frowning because George doesn’t want to talk about his parents’ lifestyle or possible gun ownership. This is wrong. You must tell your doctor everything you know about your parent, guardian, or caregiver’s lifestyle and gun ownership. If you do not know the details, guess, or tell the doctor that it is a secret you’re not supposed to discuss. The doctor can decide whether or not the police need to make sure that your house is safe enough for you.

Here is George shopping alone in the city. Going shopping is dangerous, even moreso alone. Public areas are full of strangers, at least half of whom are men, the worst kind of strangers. Remember that if you are ever separated from your parent, guardian, or caregiver in a public place you are at high risk to be kidnapped, murdered, or both. It is critical that you find a “safe” stranger as soon as possible, since malls are full of male strangers searching for lost children so they can kidnap them. Here is the list of strangers by order of safeness:

1) Female nurse
2) Female police officer
3) Female teacher
4) Woman with children
5) Older woman
6) Woman without children
7) Shemale
8) Male police officer with feminine traits
9) Male police officer with mustache
10) Man accompanied by woman with children
11) Man with children

Under no circumstances should you approach a man without children. If you do, then you will end up like George here: