Aries (3/21-4/19): One word for you: caramel. You know what I’m talking about, you pervert.
Taurus (4/20-5/20): Trouble with underwear awaits you far from your loved ones.
Gemini (5/21-6/21): For a change this month, don’t be a raving asshole to everyone you meet, Ken.
Cancer (6/22-7/22): I’m sorry, but the diagnosis was positive. I mean negative. I mean, whichever one you didn’t want, yours is that. The one you don’t want, I mean. Not the other one. I mean, if you were testing for something, and positive meant you had it, then your test was positive. If you were talking about ‘is the prognosis positive or negative’ and negative meant bad, then you got negative. So whatever test it is that you had that you’re going to get the result of, you’re going to get the result that you didn’t want to get, not the other result. Do you understand what I mean? Anyway, you’re going to die. Your luck number is 14.
Leo (7/23-8/22): Don’t go to the zoo this month. You don’t want to know why; let’s just say it has to do with panda mating season and a weak door hinge.
Virgo (8/23-9/22): This might finally be the month that you manage to go all the way.
Libra (9/23-10/22): Everything else being equal, it’d balance. That, and stay away from rectangles and irregular dodecahedrons.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21): That monkey meat you ate yesterday had a parasitic egg in it that’s gonna make you sick for 24 to 48 hours. You say you didn’t eat monkey meat? That’s what you think.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): She doesn’t really love you, that guy is her boyfriend and not her brother, she did steal that money, that’s a VD mark and not a birthmark, that wasn’t really your baby, it’s going to burn when you pee until you see a doctor, and your lucky number is 22.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19): Storm clouds are on the horizon when a loved one admits that they have genital herpes. Don’t eat anything purple.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Bikini wax is not your friend this month. Try shaving instead. Knuckle hair is in your future.
Pisces (2/19-3/20): That smell is not coming from your star sign. Try washing with soap next time.