Saturday, April 7, 2007

Foul-Mouthed Auctioneer Ruins Church Bake Sale

Residents of the small town of Dunham, North Carolina were scandalized at a Palm Sunday bake sale by a longtime church member who took his role of auctioneer too far, at times exhorting the women to “show a little jiggly spirit for the lord” and urging parishioners to “spend their way into God’s good graces.”

The auctioneer, 37-year-old Neal Krall, explained that it was all in good fun. “Hey, I was trying to pump up bake sales. I can’t help it if some of them took it a little too seriously.”

“It was in poor taste, that’s all it was.” Said Hattie Juddah, a member of the Oak Grove Valley Church for over sixty years. “He told everybody that I’m so old I might not live to bake another cake, so they’d better buy this one as a memorial.”

The pastor of the church, Reverend Johnathan Hopchick, was not amused. “We sincerely regret what happened on Sunday and the distress that it caused many of the families. Mr. Krall and his family had been model members for many years. How was I supposed to know he’d turn into a combination of Redd Foxx and Bob Sagett?”

Not every parishioner was upset. One woman, Vera Dwight, said she thought that it was a welcome change. “Church is too serious, you know? Especially around Easter. Even though he dumped a pitcher of ice-cold water over my head and yelled ‘wet-t-shirt contest’ I didn’t mind because it was all in the name of charity.”

Several members have called for the auctioneer to be thrown out of the church, but Krall defended his actions by saying “We made more this year from the bake sale than the last five years combined. I’m not going to apologize. Maybe having that kid fight the dog in the parking lot was a little much, but everybody knows that God needs the money.”

Although congregational unity was strained, Pastor Hopchick was hopeful that they could use it as a bonding experience. “I’ve asked Mr. Krall to redeem himself this weekend by running the Easter Pot-Luck Luncheon, where he can prove that he has the proper reverential spirit.”

Asked if he had any plans for the event, Krall smiled. “Let’s just say I bought a cake large enough for two women to fit inside, if that gives you any ideas.”

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