Monday, April 30, 2007

His Greenliness Criticizes Canada, Enters Treatment

Eco-Pope Al Gore entered an undisclosed treatment facility today following a spat with Canadian officials over the weekend. Gore had criticized them for making a new strategy to deal with carbon emissions in the face of global warming, calling the plan “fraudulent” and accusing the government of “misleading the Canadian people.”

From atop his high horse Gore chided the Canadians and warned of impending eco-doom. “Far from honoring their Kyoto obligations, the Canadians have flouted their responsibilities and are now positioned to have CO2 emissions over 40% higher than those they agreed to in 1990. Now their snake-oil salesmen in government arrive to promise a 20% reduction from this disastrous overreach, which leaves them only 15% over their Kyoto targets. For shame, Canada!”

The Canadian Environmental Minister, John Baird, responded in similarly harsh words to Al Gore. “I wasn’t aware that Al Gore was running for president of Canada, but apparently he is. Maybe while he’s jet-setting around the world on private planes picking up film awards somebody can explain to him that since he didn’t do anything to cut CO2 emissions while in power, we decided that his fulminating as a non-candidate was just a bunch of hot air.”

However, His Greenliness extended an olive branch Sunday night to the Canadian government and its people. “Look, I know how hard it is to be environmentally responsible,” he said. “My Tennessee house alone emits more CO2 than most Canadian towns. And I don’t even want to get started about heavy metals run-off from my zinc mines. That’s why I am prepared to offer CO2 Indulgences to my dear friends in the great white north.”

Explaining the plan, he said that by buying CO2 Indulgences the Canadians could meet their targets and send him money at the same time. “My company, Generation Investment Management, is incorporated in England for the purpose of matching CO2 emitters with CO2 reducers. We have such innovative programs as ‘Hold Your Breath’ and ‘Shaggy Lawn = Happy Penguins.’ By these and other innovative and wholly unverifiable programs, we’ve managed to make millions of dollars for the main stockholders and founders of the company without contributing anything of substance to the scientific or moral discussion of environmental responsibility.”

Asked for comment, several Quebecois responded in French, which none present understood. But they did use the phrase “Al Gore est un conard.” quite a bit, which appears to sum up their admiration of the former US Vice President.

Reached for comment, a Gore spokesperson said that His Greenliness was simply suffering from “exhaustion” and seeking a place for quiet contemplation, and was not being treated for irony deficiency as had been feared.