Friday, April 20, 2007

Congressman Defends Trip

Embattled New York Democrat Gene Elliot, chairman of the House Committee on Morals and Ethics, today defended his recent trip to the red-light district of Amsterdam, where he spent over $10,000 on prostitutes and coffeehouse marijuana. The news furthered the scandal surrounding the longtime representative after records revealed that already in 2007 he had made a “Fact Finding” trip to Hedonism II in Jamaica, a visit to the Mustang Ranch in Nevada, and spent campaign contributions on a riverboat gambling trip in Mississippi.

“I’ve done nothing wrong, and the investigation will prove that,” a defiant Elliot said from the steps of congress. “It’s my duty as the chair of the committee on Morals and Ethics to keep abreast of the cutting edge of depravity, so I make sure to visit every opium den, whorehouse, and gambling establishment I can find, both nationally and internationally. I take my duties to the people very seriously!”

“Congresspeople take fact finding trips, that’s all there is to it.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said. “Nobody said anything when the Republicans were in charge, but now it’s some kind of scandal when Democrats visit Belgium to discuss financial services, or check on Homeland Security at ritzy hotels in the Virgin Islands? I think it’s a double standard imposed by right-wing media outlets like CNN.”

Not every democrat was agreed with the Speaker. “I’m outraged!” Longtime senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) said in a statement. “All this time Gene has been paying for hookers and drugs with congressional funds, and he never once threw anything my way? I thought we were friends!”

Republicans acted quickly when news of the scandal broke by shooting themselves in the foot and failing to capitalize on it. Spokesman for the party Mick Blabberbutt said “Did you know that we have an acting congressman who thinks he’s the reincarnation of Daniel Boone and wears underwear made of endangered animal pelts? Guess which one and we’ll also throw out the name of the congressional staffer who involved with a translator at the UN and has been leaking sensitive intelligence information to Iran!”