EU Emergency Summit to Draft Pre-Emptive Surrender Guidelines

EU countries begin an emergency summit in Brussels next week to draft pre-emptive surrender guidelines in the wake of widespread criticism of their response to Iran’s seizure of 15 British navy personnel.

“It is very important that we not allow one country to be defiant in the face of external threats,” noted Français Serendre. “We must stand firm, as one unit, and declare our willingness to surrender and collaborate with those who would do us harm.”

The delegation from Germany was not agreed, however. Deutsch Sichbegeben said “Germany does not agree with this position; it is far better to cast blame on the Americans and then have your political leaders take highly-paid positions within the state-owned companies of your former enemies. We do not believe in collaboration.”

Delegates from all EU member states expressed hope that they could come up with a uniform surrender doctrine, so that in the future there would be less doubt about where the EU stood if such an event was to occur again.

The English delegate, Britt Givupp, was the main holdout against pre-emptive surrender. “I’d really prefer that we sent two or three nasty missives and threatened action, then surrender. I think that declaring unconditional surrender before the crisis sends a bad message.”

Español Trasladarse, the Spanish delegate, put the EU delegates’ distaste for this method in very clear terms: “The Americans might want to fight against other countries, but the Europeans would simply like to surrender and head towards the peaceful utopia we had almost achieved in 1940 before their warmongering nearly destroyed our continent.”

Serendre was agreed, adding “With this act, we can achieve peace in our time.”