Thursday, September 20, 2007

Global Warming Strikes Neptune

Stockholm, Sweden: Alarmed scientists today issued the sternest warning yet on Anthropomorphic Global Warming, saying that it’s responsible for climactic impact even on the furthest planet from the sun, Neptune.

Susan Robbins, head of the Astronomical Scientific Society to Halt Anthropomorphic Terraforming (ASS-HAT), said today that “Recent data shows us massive heating and methane releases at the southern pole of Neptune, whereas before there was nothing. Since it’s currently in the part of its orbit that brings it closer to Earth, it’s clear that this methane is anthropomorphically caused by people on Earth driving big cars and eating too much reindeer meat.”

Tim Sarandon, vice-president of ASS-HAT, said that “In the 19th scientist found that Venus was a pleasant, cloud-covered plant; then in the 20th fossil fuel burning turned it into a volcanic inferno. Scientists discovered that Mars had canals in the early 20th century, but they’ve all dried up since NASA started driving their intergalactic Hummer around up there. Is it any surprise that we’ve turned Neptune into a hellhole as well?”

Frunk StrĂĽpenbeydenhöfflern, head of the Nobel Prize Decision Committee and the European coordinator for ASS-HAT, issued a statement saying “AGW is the greatest threat to the world today. That’s why we’re currently debating whether to give Al Gore two or three Nobel Prizes for his work in increasing public knowledge about the coming crisis. Also, the committee understands that he needs help paying for his utilities and covering the parking fees for his private plane.”

Sally Stropthers, a whiny linguaphile holding a “Bush No Good!” sign outside of the meetings, said she was concerned about AGW impacts on linguistic decline. “We’re running out of languages to use to call George Bush an Earth murderer. Just think of the culture that is draining out of the planet every two weeks. Impeach Bush, the real terrorist!”