Space: Now 150% Deadlier!

Forget all of Gene Roddenberry’s hogwash about the final frontier: space is dangerous.

Send a microbe up into space and what happens? It comes back as a Rambobe, with thirty times the lethal killing power of its earth-bound brethren. Why? The scientists will give you some kind of claptrap about fluid shear, but we know what it is: deadly space radiation.

But we’re already seeing its effects here on earth. Reports of a baboon crime spree in South Africa are the natural result of NASA’s intemperate policy of firing monkeys up into space. Of course they got juiced up and came back with ‘roids rage. It’s what space does. And it’s not just baboons: orangutans (probably from the old Gemini missions) are going berserko, too.

Lest you think humans are immune, I have one name for you: Lisa Nowak. You think it’s coincidence that Buzz Aldrin defended her, or has he driven across the US in a space-addled rage wearing zero-G diapers swilling down TANG packets plotting the destruction of his rival?

The only solution is for us to immediately halt all space exploration and exploitation. I know, it’ll be tough without 24-hour satellite porn channels, but the Internet has grown so much now that I think we can satisfy our baser urges with streaming videos and stop playing Russian roulette with death from space.

Because with over 6 billion potential zombies on this planet, can we really afford to continue important space-strength bacterium?