I’m not a sportswriter. I don’t study the games. I’m not nearly an expert. So of course, I'm going to predict the exact scores and general outcomes of the games. If the New York Times can do it, so can I.
Saints at Colts: Colts win 41-10. I’m so confident that this will be the outcome, that if this isn’t the score I’ll post nothing but pictures of my butt for the rest of the football season. Probably'd drive up traffic, all things considered.
Denver at Buffalo: Buffalo cruises to an easy victory, 24-4. Denver QB Jay Cutler throws six interceptions and shows why Vanderbilt isn’t renowned for quarterbacks. The game is bookended by Buffalo safeties caused when their running back inexplicably goes the wrong direction twice, and is subsequently made Offensive Coordinator for the Oakland Raiders on the theory that “he scored twice against Denver”.
Steelers at Browns: Steelers win 35-34. Ben Roethlisberger is replaced in the first quarter after coaches discover that he’s a substandard quarterback, but his replacement throws five touchdowns and runs for three more (all called back for holding). An angry Cleveland crowd forces Browns coaches to insert Brady Quinn in the 4th quarter to replace the moderately successful Charlie Frye (28-32, 423 yards, 4 TD), and Quinn immediately throws an interception at the Steelers 1-yard-line. Afterwards Cleveland fans will be heard to say “That kid is really something special. Did you see how well he threw that interception that cost us the game?”
Eagles at Packers: Eagles win 85-3. Brett Favre goes 6-44, with 22 INT and five fumbles. Peter King calls him ‘gritty’ and says his fire will give the Packers a new dimension this year, anoints him ‘comeback player of the decade.’ Donovan McNabb throws ten touchdowns, but his toughness is questioned when he leaves the game after the third quarter because of arm fatigue.
Panthers at Rams: Panthers 17, Rams 21. In a battle of mediocre teams with mediocre coaches, mediocrity reigns. Everyone in the game has exactly average statistics.
Falcons at Vikings: Falcons 21, Vikings 24. Clearly rattled by the continuous playing of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Atlanta plays very poorly in the first half. But the offense clicks when Bobby Petrino realizes that Joey Harrington can actually throw the ball, and they score three quick touchdowns. It’s not enough, though, as a late-game field goal by Minnesota ensures that Vikings fans will be staring at Brad Childress’ bald head for another whole season.
Patriots at Jets: Game cancelled when Jets coach Eric Mangini is rushed to the hospital after being poisoned with Dioxin. Authorities suspect Bill Bellicheck, but nothing can be proven against the criminal mastermind. Randy Moss punches a police horse during the team's escape from the stadium. Police pursuit is fractured in a jurisdictional dispute between New Jersey (where the crimes occurred) and New York (which has naming rights for the team). The game is finally decided by a Madden 2007 simulation, with the Patriots winning 612-10. The league office gives the win to the Jets, saying “They’re in New York, so they must be better, right?”
Dolphins at Redskins: Dolphins 3, Redskins 7. After the game an angry mob of Miami fans drives to Alabama, tears down Nick Saban’s house, burns the rubble, scatters the ashes, poops in his birdbath, tar and feathers him, and then promises to “see you next week.” After the game, Darth Snyder reveals that he is actually Mark Cuban’s long-lost father and urges the young billionaire to join the dark side by buying an NFL franchise. Cuban refuses, insisting he will remain true to the Rebel Alliance Football League.
Titans at Jaguars: Jaguars 20, Titans 17. Although Vince Young has a good game, throwing for two touchdowns and finding holes in the Jaguars defense all day, the real star of the game is ancient RB Fred Taylor, who creaks to 140 yards and two big touchdowns late in the game. The game is decided in the closing minute on a Jacksonville FG and the Titans return team muffs the kickoff, sealing a big win for Jack Del Rio’s team. (Yes, that’s an actual prediction)
Chiefs at Texans: Game called in 3rd quarter with Chiefs up 154-0. Invoking the rarely-seen “Mercy Rule”, the referees send the utterly demolished Texans home before they stain the field any further. The Chiefs, under the illusion that defeating the Texans makes them a good team, run their mouths an entire week before being exposed as terrible frauds themselves in Week 2.
Lions at Raiders: No one will watch this game, not even the families of the players. So how the hell am I supposed to know what the score will be? I’ll say 2-0, and that the Raiders win because a goal post falls on the Lions QB for the safety. After the game Matt “Rasputin” Millen is inexplicably named GM for life by the zombified Ford family.
Bears at Chargers: Chargers 10, Bears 7. The Bears discover that, once again, a quarterback would be handy when they play football games. The Chargers discover that Norv Turner still has the skill to absolutely nullify a good offense as Head Coach when he squanders one of the most talented football players in the game as a decoy all day. The fans discover the Buccaneers-Seahawks game on the other channel.
Buccaneers at Seahawks: Buccaneers 21, Seahawks 21. A rare NFL tie, topped off by John Gruden refusing to wrestle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren for the win after the game is over. Exciting to the last, many predict big things for Tampa Bay this year since they played the Seahawks so tough, until evidence proves that the Seahawks aren’t very good and that the Buccaneers hit their peak in training camp.
Giants at Cowboys: Cowboys 7, Giants 6. An error-filled game leads to Tom Coughlin being bleeped for thirty-two minutes at the press conference after he is asked “What do you think of Eli this year?” Tiki Barber purchases commercial time during the game to say “Look at me! Look at me! Don’t you wish I was still with the Giants? Tom Coughlin sucks and Eli is Peyton with a rag arm. Nyeaa!” Tony Romo begins proving that he’s every bit the backup that his previous league experience showed him to be.
Ravens at Bengals: Ravens 0, Bengals 28. After he catches his first pass, Chad Johnson is mistakenly rushed to the hospital for what appears to be seizures. Without him Ray Lewis’ prediction that the Bengals offense will not score comes true. But Lewis hadn’t counted on the Ravens offense giving up 4 touchdowns in what quickly turns into a rout. Brian Billick's reputation as an offensive genius is put on life support.
Cardinals at 49ers: Cardinals 35, 49ers 49. Arizona roars out to an early lead, scoring five unanswered touchdowns. But with the lead secured they give up an unprecedented 7 touchdowns in the fourth quarter to lose a hearbreaker. After the game, Ken Whisenhunt borrows a page from Dennis Green’s media guide and announces that the 49ers should be crowned “the greatest team in NFL history.”