Football Forecast: 16-0 Week!!

Unlike those sleazy 900-number guys, I’ll tell nothing but the truth: not only did I get every pick right, I accurately predicted two final scores.

The Yahoo “experts” only went 11-5. Some experts; the morons can’t even pick a football game. Now, some of you nitpickers might point out that using traditional metrics, I actually went 7-9. But you’re limiting your minds. Let me explain:

I accurately predicted the Denver final score (14). Due to an error in the NFL’s defensive metrics page, my calculations didn’t account for the Jaguars high-octane offense being able to score 23. So you can pretty much count this as a victory for me, because it was the NFL’s fault, not mine. So I’m really 7-9.

In the Indianapolis game, I said Indy 30 and Houston 31; the final score was Indy 30 and Houston 24. If there hadn’t been a dropped TD pass, I’d have been correct. So you can pretty much count this as a victory for me, too. So I’m really 8-8.

Does anybody really believe that Kansas City beat Minnesota? I think it’s a conspiracy, personally, probably spearheaded by the Trilateral Commission for some nefarious purpose. So I’m really 9-7.

I said that the final score in the Miami game would be Miami 17, Jets 14. The actual final score was Miami 28, Jets 31. 14+17=31, and 14*2=28 (2 for the number of teams involved). So you can see where, since I accurately by summation predicted the score for the Jets and by multiplication predicted the score of Miami, I pretty much got this correct. So I’m really 10-6.

In the Philly game, nobody told me that Andy Reid was making the Eagles clean the stadium after every game. Why else would they have shown up wearing work-release clothes? So I would have predicted the Eagles to score a lot more points, thus winning, if I’d only known. So I’m really 11-5.

I didn’t realize that Arizona and Baltimore would play an extra quarter after their tie; if I’d known, of course I’d have said Arizona 23, Baltimore 26. So I’m really 12-4.

I can’t be bothered to come up with excuses for the Pittsburgh, Oakland, and Washington wins. Let’s just say that I didn’t factor in the wind, which would explain the slight disparity in my predictions.

So you can see where, for all your football information, my totally unbeatable system is the only guide you’ll ever need.