Bill Bellicheck surprised NFL observers today when his new legal team, headed by Donald Rumsfeld, issued a strongly-worded statement to the NFL insisting that “the videotaping and surveillance carried out against the so-called New York Jets and other teams attempting to attack New England was legal and proscribed under the Patriot Act, signed into law in 2001 and renewed by congress in 2006.”
“The Patriot Act gives the New England Patriots the right; no, the duty to take surveillance against any hostiles that they might encounter,” Rumsfeld told reporters. “It would be negligent if Mr. Bellicheck and his staff didn’t take every step to protect New England from further damage at the hands of these fiends.”
Citing the vicious attack earlier this year by a splinter group in Indianapolis, Bellicheck said he felt the additional security precautions were justified. “We had probable cause for this surveillance. The head of this group is a known turncoat, and they have falsified their residency papers to say they’re in New York, when they actually reside in New Jersey.”
Although some damage was reported on Sunday, overall the incident was defused. “We came out of this okay, although losing the video surveillance hit us hard. We had to rely on the audio transmissions we intercepted to break up their offensive attacks, but we made it through.”
Rumsfeld said he expected no action from the league. “It doesn’t matter if this team is in New York or New Jersey: either one is still inside New England, so they have no legal standing to challenge our authority under the Patriot Act. Any curtailment of our surveillance would have dire implications for defending New England.
“And nobody wants that, unless Roger Goodell is secretly a member of MoveOn.org or something.”