Thursday, September 6, 2007

Periodic Table of the Candidates

Below find a primary summary that a Chemist would love. Yes, that's right, it's the periodic table of the candidates!

Element Name: Footmouthite
Type: Extremely lightweight gas
Appearance: White in presence of black elements, black in presence of white elements
Notes: Fades with recurrent use, loses structural integrity over time. Several attempts have been made to react Bo with Hc but met with limited success. Has an affinity for poisonous elements.

Element Name: Slicktonium
Type: Lightweight Demagogic Metal
Appearance: Richly attired and well-coiffed
Notes: Will not react with right-wing media elements, tendency to run under stress, totally opaque to its own structural flaws. Poor results when combined with Wintersolderium (Ws) during experiments in 2004. The only Democratic scientists who seriously work with Ed are the Internet simulators, whose predictions are notoriously unreliable.

Element Name: Hesitanium
Type: Noble gas
Appearance: Colorless, but with the right electron spin appears to have any color the viewer wishes
Notes: Republican scientists have been clamoring to experiment with Ft for some time, but only recently has its use been approved by the sole supplier for laboratory experiments. Even then, it is often only sold to specialist labs and kept away from exposure to baser elements, such as Rp.

Element Name: Draconian
Type: Socialist transition metal
Appearance: White in the presence of white elements, black in the presence of black elements (with some audible distortion possible)
Notes: After eight years of substandard results (particularly a disastrous medical experiment in 1993), top-level work with Hc was halted in 2000. Some local-level work was done in New York’s Pandering Laboratory, with only mixed success. Work has recently started again, but Democratic scientists have complained about the generally poor quality of other materials available to react it with. Hc does not show an affinity for other materials, particularly the otherwise reactive Bubbanium (Bb), which has been known to attach itself to such diverse materials as diverse as Pig Iron and Skanktomium.

Element Name: Culton
Type: Rich weirdo element
Appearance: Normal, but suspiciously different
Notes: Well-tested both on the East Coast and in Utah, Republican scientists have noted with alarm that older versions of Culton were known to be contaminated with Liberalite. Persistent rumors continue that Lds has a crystal lattice that responds to vibrations from Salt Lake City, but this has never been proven or demonstrated. An irrational fear of Culton has arisen in some parts of the country, but Republican scientists insist this is unfounded (for reference, see 1960 Journal of American Chemistry article on Kennadium).

Element Name: Amnestium
Type: Media Magnetic Element
Appearance: Anger-tinted crusty powder
Notes: This element is highly attractive to media elements, but not to other right-wing base elements. Some Republican scientists have taken to calling it Rinoium over its strange reaction to foreign elements and its response to free speech. This element has been extensive tested by the US Army and received a favorable rating.

Element Name: Mayorium
Type: Heroic metal
Appearance: Shiny, with long history of reactions and accomplishments under difficult circumstances etched on its face.
Notes: Mayorium has undergone several experiments by Republican scientists, who are certain that it does not actually exist in a pure form but is instead contaminated by Liberaltite. Thus far they have proven that some strains of Ny-Lt exist, but not that it is the dominant form. Mayorium has been extensively tested in New York laboratories.

Element Name: Nochancium
Type: Trace mineral often found in presence of Hc, Bo, and Ed
Appearance: Whitish substance of no particularly noteworthy appearance
Notes: This mineral is notable for its ability to fill out a debate podium and not much more, despite its generally heavier density than more-reactive elements such as Bo and Ed, and its much higher heat value than Hc. Democratic scientists have largely abandoned any serious work with Od, preferring to focus on forcing Bo and Hc to positively react.

Element Name: Obscurium (also, Whocaresite)
Type: Base elements often found in the presence, of Mc, Lds, and Ny
Appearance: Drab, unremarkable right-wing minerals
Notes: If not consumed in the early reactions between Mc, Lds, and Ny, Republican scientists believe that one of these may possibly form a stable compound in 2008.

Element Name: Spam
Type: Wild-eyed, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, drooling, moronic, dense-headed metal
Appearance: Unfortunately commonplace in online surveys, rare elsewhere
Notes: This corrosive, radioactive element is an unfortunate contamination from the reaction of other Republican-based experiments. Causes an intelligence drop in those who use it. Republican scientists are working right now to reduce or eliminate this byproduct altogether.

Element Name: Xenophobite
Type: Right-wing dense earth mineral
Appearance: Extremely white
Notes: Reacts poorly with any non-white metal