Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Ruh-Roh, Raggy's a Commie!

When you watch Scooby-Doo, do you enjoy a simple cartoon about a band of mystery-solving teenagers and their dog? If so, then you’re an idiot. Scooby-Doo is one of the vilest poisons ever to seep into the cultural fabric of this country, worse than the Teletubbies and Howdy Doody combined.

And I’m not even talking about the drug references. I’m talking about something far more serious: communism. Scooby-Doo looks like it was written straight out of a KGB handbook on insidious propaganda. And now that Vladimir Putin has dissolved his government and gone dictator like his BFF Hugo Chavez, we need to get serious about defending this country from communism again.

Which means we need to get rid of Scooby-Doo. For those of you who doubt, I present the following evidence:

Exhibit A: The Characters

Freddy and Velma are the ‘workers’ of the show who are continually glorified for their intelligence and poise under fire. Idealized versions of what the true human potential, working for the greater good of the group, can really achieve. And who are they named after? Fredrich Engels, who co-wrote Marx’ book Das Kapital, and Velma Marx, Karl Marx’ grandmother and a formative influence in his life. The commies that wrote this show knew they couldn’t get away with dressing them in red, so they put them in orange (Velma’s shirt, Freddy’s ascot).

Daphne represents the ‘unallied nations’ with her on-again off-again relationship with Fred, her vacillations, and her preoccupation with material goods. Whenever she falls too far under the sway of capitalists she becomes Danger-Prone Daphne and has some sort of terrible incident befall her. But in the end she must realize the error of her ways and return to serving her red masters. Daphne wears purple because it’s a natural transition between blue (individual liberty) and red (communism).

Shaggy and Scooby of course represent the USA (their names being alliterative of Stars and Stripes, and Shaggy’s real surname Rogers being the same surname as Captain America). Gluttonous, cowardly, and gangly, these two are the worst kind of stereotypes about the US.

Exhibit B: Every episode is a de-facto indictment of US policies

The basic setup is always the same: gang finds mystery; Shaggy and Scooby panic, run around, eat a lot, and cause all kinds of trouble; Velma solves the mystery; and finally Freddy comes up with a trap that is ruined by Shaggy and Scooby’s incompetence. In the end, the bad guy is caught through sheer chance alone, usually in spite of (not because of) Shaggy and Scooby’s bungling.

The moral of the story is this: if only the rest of the world would stop allowing the United States to blunder around wrecking everything, the communists could solve all their problems.

Exhibit C: Heavily prominent communist imagery

Is it an accident that Shaggy went from wearing the color of money (green) to the color of the proletariat (red) as the show went on? I don’t think so. This is intended to show that, no matter how wretched a capitalist you are today, you too can embrace communism.

The mystery machine is plastered with hippy symbolism, intended to convince youth that war is wrong under any circumstances and that the giant red military monster should be allowed to swallow entire nations with nary a hint of protest from the US. “If the country’s a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking.”

Finally, the belligerent, tough-talking, dunder-headed sack of crap called Scrappy was created as a stand-in for the US congress and made his debut on the anniversary of Joe McCarthy’s first House Subcommittee on Unamerican Activities hearing, and was always intended to make children despise the government and trust in ‘Big Brother’, aka Scooby Doo, aka communism.

Exhibit D: Look at the bad guys
Every bad guy in Scooby Doo is an indictment of capitalism, decrying the vileness of personal initiave and individual freedom. They're poor charicatures of the "Capitalist Robber-Barons" of the 19th century:

The Creeper? Bank executive turned crook, just like all the rest of them. And who finally caught him? The blue-collar security guard, who bravely risked life and limb to expose the villainous plutocrat.

Dr. Jekyll’s Ghost? An indictment of the American health care system, which spawns quack doctors who eventually go on jewelry heists and frame their proletariat maids.

Werewolf? Sheep rustler who was trying to subvert the good of the many for his own personal gain, thus proving that collective agriculture is vastly superior to individual enterprise.

The Carnival of Terror robot? Technology run amok; remember that soviet scientists were always lagging behind, so they had to convince us that technology was worthless or likely to backfire and murder our children at the amusement parks.

Black Knight? Blatant anti-royalist screed that also gets its digs in against the intelligentsia with its image of the rogue university professor running amok.

The Phantom Shadows? Two incompetent lawyers, the moral of this story was that US laws are worthless and administered by incompetents for the gain of corrupted money from a bygone era.

Exhibit E: Scooby Snacks

While rampant shortages were common in the soviet system, they wanted us to believe that someday things would be so bad under capitalism that people would not only be forced to eat dog treats, they would have one they preferred above the rest! Why didn’t the other gang members ever eat Scooby snacks?

Because they were well taken-care-of in their communist paradise, that’s why.

So don’t fool yourself. These new Scooby-Doos may have Smash Mouth and be well-drawn, but you have to ask yourself: has the commie Great Dane really changed his spots?

I don’t think so.