I haven’t yet seen even one play of one NFL game. But I’m going to predict this weekend’s games. Before you pooh-pooh my Delphi-like precision, remember: I got one game completely correct last week.
So this weekend we can expect to see:
Houston vs Carolina: Carolina, 27-20. Though they might be undefeated, who has Houston really played? So they’ll probably fold up under the Jake “The Delhominator”, just like the vaunted St. Louis defense did last week. On second thought, maybe I have that score reversed…
Cincinnati vs Cleveland: Cincinnati, 66-3. Browns coach Romeo Krennel makes league history when he not only benches current QB Derek Anderson but has his legs broken at halftime. Hot rookie Brady Quinn is severely overmatched in the pros, just like he was when he played real teams at Notre Dame. In a related development, Charlie Weis calls the Browns front office and says he’s available for the right offer and has “lots of experience getting Brady to play like the mediocre quarterback he is.”
Atlanta vs Jacksonville: Atlanta, 10-7. PETA writes two ringing letters of complaint: one against the continued existence of the Falcons as an organization, and the second saying that pitting two endangered species against each other makes the NFL “worse than a hundred Hitlers.” The fans respond by leaving the stadium in droves, or just not showing up at all.
Green Bay vs NY Giants: Green Bay, 45-31. At halftime, the jumbotron displays the message “Brett: will you marry me? Peter” Eli Manning doesn’t play due to injury, but coach Tom Coughlin blames him for the loss. NBC commentator Tiki Barber disagrees, saying it is Coughlin’s fault. Manning, in an interview, sticks up for Coughlin by blaming Barber.
Buffalo vs Pittsburgh: Buffalo, 20-17. Faced with an actual defense and having to move up the field shows the full potency of the Pittsburgh offense. Facing an offense that doesn’t hand away the ball, the Steelers defense shows its full potency as well. Unfortunately, neither is potent enough to beat the woeful Bills.
San Francisco vs St. Louis: St. Louis, 30-10. Fresh off their signature victory against Arizona, San Francisco falls to the mediocre Rams. Trash-talking the Rams QB about the size of his Bulger backfire, as he passes for 400 yards and 3 touchdowns.
New Orleans vs Tampa Bay: New Orleans, 632-0. Infuriated by their thrashing at the hands of the Colts, the Saints take out their aggression on the all-quarterback team assembled by John Gruden. Gruden’s reputation as a genius begins to wane.
Indianapolis vs Tennessee: Indianapolis, 45-10. Tennessee rushes for 125 yards in the 1st quarter but still trails by 14, so they switch to the pass. That’s when things get really ugly. Peyton Manning reveals team goal to average 45 points per game.
Seattle vs Arizona: Arizona, 20-17. People will hail this as a surprise upset, until they realize Seattle sucks. Arizona will strut around like they’re a big deal until giving up 100 points next week. Who’s their opponent? I dunno, but it’s probably somebody better than the Seahawks.
Minnesota vs Detroit: ??? Neither of these two teams played last week, so far as I can tell. So how should I know who will win? I’ll guess Minnesota, with a score of 21-14.
Dallas vs Miami: Dallas, 35-14. The postgame celebration is marred by a collapse of the press room when the combined egos of Jerry Jones, Tony Romo, and Terrell Owens exceed the weight limit of the structure. Miami continues to struggle because they are not a very good football team.
NY Jets vs Baltimore: Baltimore, 14-13. Rechristening themselves the “Baltimore Kodaks” for one game and wearing cameras on their helmets, the continual playing of Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me” appears to disrupt the Jets staff, who whine about “dirty tricks” in the postgame conference. Meanwhile, neither team is very good and will be out of the playoff hunt by Halloween.
Kansas City vs Chicago: Chicago, 2-0. Now that Nick Saban is gone, the league’s most corrupt coach (Herm ‘Screw Your Contract’ Edwards) meets the league’s most incompetent quarterback (Rex Grossman). Can you imagine the joy if Edwards coached Grossman? I bet that team could score negative points.
Oakland vs Denver: Denver, 55-7. Denver coach Mike Shanahan complains bitterly about his teams’ failure to hold Oakland scoreless. He is also seen prowling the sidelines with a clove of garlic, a wooden stake, and a hammer “just in case I see that vampire bastard Al Davis.” Also worth noting is that Oakland’s continued futility.
San Diego vs New England: San Diego refuses to take the field after several of their players are run down outside Gillette Stadium by a car driven by a mysterious figure in a hooded sweatshirt known only as MegaloMan. Bill Bellicheck denies any involvement, although the car’s license plate read “SCRWPYTN”. Norv Turner is grateful that, two weeks into the season, he still hasn’t had to coach against an actual NFL team.
Washington vs Philadelphia: Philadelphia, 28-17. After a week of celebrating their masterful victory over Miami, Washington faces bitter defeat when they have to play professionals instead of amateurs. After the game, Darth Snyder says he is “disappointed in their lack of vision.”