Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Signs your Team Sucks

Well, we’re near the end of baseball season, we’re fully 5% of the way through football season, and basketball has reached the halfway point of a referee corruption scandal that will shake public confidence for the next 50 years. And hockey’s either disbanded or in a lockout or moved to Canada (I don’t know, and quite frankly, I can’t be bothered to keep up with minor-league sports).

With either Michigan or Notre Dame now assured of going 0-3, I thought it might be helpful to you fans out there to give you some sure-fire signs that your team sucks. That way, you can be sure to figure out whether you should be merely discontent ("we’ll get ‘em next year") or despondent (i.e. call the movers).

Here are some signs that your team really, truly sucks:

1) Coach’s sideline phones connect directly to suicide hotline

2) Top apparel choice for fans is the sweatshirt with full-face hood to keep wearer anonymous

3) The only time your team appears on Sportscenter is as the losing team for somebody else’s “Play of the Day”

4) Older fans often say to you “Oh, they still have a team?”

5) Whenever sportswriters pine for relegation like they have in the English Premier League, your team is cited as the prime example

6) Talented college teams are said to be able to beat your pro team

7) The last Hall-of-Famer you had inducted also fought in World War 2

8) Your team plays in Arizona

9) When your team signs a 20-year veteran who’s been out of the game for 3 years to a starting role, you think it’s a good addition

10) They’re in the tenth year of a three-year rebuilding phase, which was preceded by 20 years of futility while they waited for a new owner/stadium/city

11) Players who have spent their careers with your team leave in their twilight to play for the Yankees so they can “finally get into the postseason”

12) One of Bill Bellicheck’s former assistants is your coach

13) You’re the sexy “dark horse” candidate to win it all, because you were such a good “spoiler” late last season

14) The coach’s office has a revolving door

15) Nary a hint of a steroids scandal for the past 15 years

16) “Lather, rinse, repeat” describes how your coach breaks in rookie pitchers

17) Even the cheerleaders are ugly

18) Your team has a bear as a mascot

19) Your girlfriend asks you if that's a pro team or not

20) The only victories they score are moral