Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Coming Soon to Theaters Near You!

With the success of Rob Zombie’s prequel to Halloween, I would like to formally submit my re-imagining of several other well-known schlock horror films in an effort to get my script treatments purchased by a well-known Hollywood studio with more money than taste. Which is pretty much all of them.

Friday the 12th: Focusing on Jason Voorheis’ troubled childhood in the upper peninsula of Michigan, where his abusive, alcoholic, Gulf War veteran father used to beat him and his mother until Jason kills him with a hatchet. He and his mother buried the father in the permafrost behind the house, until global warming thaws the body out and his father’s zombie goes on a killing rampage seeking revenge. At the end of the movie a troubled Jason is sent off to a Summer Camp full of half-dressed councilors to hopefully reclaim some of his lost youth…

Day of the Triffids - Corn's Children: A group of Spring Breakers from Midwestern State U on their way to Key West find themselves trapped in hell when they stop to tour the famous Iowa Corn Maze and discover that genetically modified corn and chemical pesticides have combined to create something terrible out in the maize. Directed by M. Knight Shyamalyan, with secret surprise ending where all the half-dressed coeds are actually corn monsters as well.

The Texas Subprime Home-Loan Massacre: An immigrant couple in Los Angeles has their dream home foreclosed on during the subprime meltdown of 2007 and is forced to move in with their friends in Crawford, Texas. There they discover that the neighbors are horrible, gun-toting, NRA-voting, inbred cannibals. After her husband is brutally murdered, the panties-clad wife decides to show those Texas hicks what a real Angelino is capable of. Britney Spears guest stars as lingerie-wearing cannibal victim #2.

A Bad Dream on Elm Street: Freddy Krueger is an arc welder who discovers his sensitive side when he has an attraction for a male co-worker. They two become romantically involved, but society looks down on them, and when the city council refuses them a marriage license Freddy’s lover commits suicide by immolation. Horribly burned from a failed rescue attempt, Freddy begins living in the sewers and vows revenge on the town for is failure to pass Proposition 69. Can a group of half-dressed teenagers stop Freddy before his rage consumes the entire town?

Omega Ham: In this chilling portrait of the near future, heat waves and rising sea levels have led to the destruction of almost all civilization. People are kept in giant pens as feed animals and consumed by the horrible Industrialists, a shadowy race that now rules the planet. One man escapes and begins looking for the holy city of San Francisco, pursued by agents of the sinister Industrialists. Along the way he gets assistance from a group of scantily-clad vegans, but will it be enough to save him?

The Things in Outer Space: After an election in 2008 filled with allegations of fraud, the Republican Randall Gulagani is elected president. Only then does he begin to act strange, ordering NASA to build a giant transponder that the president can use to transmit secret messages into space. Only one brave Illinois senator, Arback Moaba, has the wits and intelligence to lead a group of topless congressional pages against the president and prevent a full-scale alien invasion.

The Blob 2008: Everybody knows that at the end of the classic Steve McQueen The Blob they haul the gelatinous monster up to the North Pole, where it will remain frozen forever. During a circumnavigation of the Arctic Ocean made possible by global warming, an intrepid yachtsman picks up a strange rock that he finds attached to the body of a drowned polar bear. He brings it back and the rock thaws out in the shower room of a girl’s college dormitory, setting in motion a series of sexy terror that ultimately leads to hundreds of naked coeds being destroyed before the hero can stop the madness by driving a Prius and cooling the globe.