Wednesday, September 5, 2007

More Things I Hate

A reader has asked me to document some other things that I hate. I think he wants to try to figure out how to wager on them and become rich, since my misanthropic tendency is to hate things that are successful and popular.

So, in order not to disappoint half my fan base, here are some other things (in random order) that I hate:

The New Microsoft Word: the top menu is less easy to use, now that you have two clicks to accomplish what used to take one. And the Olympic-Wannabe symbol in the upper left corner isn’t exactly intuitive, guys; it took me some time to find the #*%&! save key. Why oh why must Microsoft eradicate useful tools in order to make things like “Automatic Greek Typeset Pagination” more accessible?

IPhone Chick: First of all, I don’t care about her bill. Second of all, she’s not hot enough to justify the continuous media exposure she’s getting. Third of all, she’s annoying. Fourth of all, the whole thing smells like a scam cooked up by somebody for publicity. I call bullshit.

College Football: What’s not to love? Well, it’s a vicious circle of exploitation, it encourages people to break rules for lowly pursuits, it serves as an extended job training/publicity program for an elite few students at the expense of the rest, and it’s dirtier and more organized than the mafia ever dreamed of. Other than that it’s just innocent kids having fun. Tell me why the nation’s universities are charged with operating minor-league football again?

Boston Red Sox Fans: I wish that MLB would disband the Boston Red Sox, recall every copy of “Now I can Die in Peace” and studios would send out refunds to that stupid “Fever Pitch” movie. They spend like Croesus, whine like Anaken Skywalker, and still cop a holier-than-thou attitude to every other baseball fan in the universe. Give it a rest already, guys. Through their arrogance, I think Red Sox fans have made more people Yankees fans than the Yankees themselves. Newsflash to Boston: the rest of the country thinks of you as Yankees fans with a ridiculous accent.

Cult Movies: I hate Eraserhead. I really hate Plan 9 from Outer Space. I once made myself vomit in order to fake intestinal distress in order to avoid having to see Rocky Horror Picture Show. You take your cult and stick it up your [remaining comments redacted].

Violent Femmes: I believe I already explained this, but I thought I’d put them on the list.

Born on the Fourth of July: This movie stole three hours of my life, and I want them back. I never would have thought I'd say that a movie had too much gratuitous nudity, but there it is.

Liechtenstein: You’re telling me in centuries of warfare, nobody ever though to just take over this pissant country? What gives? I thought the Germans and the French were badasses for about two hundred years. They couldn’t overwhelm a couple hundred Liechtenstonians?

Luxembourg: While we’re at it, the same reasoning applies here.

Royalty of any country: Yes, I hate you all. Seize their property, convert it to tourist attractions, stop their stipends, and turn them out to get real jobs. Before you whine that they don’t deserve it, World War I was their fault. They’ll get no such pity from me for having spawned the great hellhole that was 1914-1945 (yes, I blame them for WWII as well, since it was the natural outcome of WWI).

Paparazzi: I would blame royalty for paparazzi, but that’s like blaming food crumbs for cockroaches. But you still gas the cockroaches when you find them, don’t you?

The Geico Caveman: I just really hate the Geico caveman.