Friday, April 25, 2008

Obama Urges Windfall Tax on Ford

Speaking to a group of rapt college students in Indiana today, Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama said he favored “levying a windfall tax against Ford, who showed over a hundred million dollars in profit the same year that the average American family is being literally thrown out of their house into the street to be devoured by wandering packs of coyotes.”

Obama said the move was necessary to send a signal to other companies. “Profit is wrong, and it always represents the oppression of the poor. We should take 80% of this money and redistribute it people who need it, like unions and students. My administration would send a strong message to American corporations: if you’re in this to make money, then you’re in the wrong country to do it!”

Secret Meeting Notes

Below is a transcript from a meeting between Nancy Pelosi, Howard Dean, Harry Reid and an unnamed Democratic Superdelegate that they tried to convince to declare for Obama so that they can have leverage to force Hillary Clinton out of the race.

Let’s see how it went:

DEAN: We need you to do the right thing for the party and declare for Obama.

SD: Why is that the right thing for the party?

DEAN: Because we need to end this divisive primary race.

SD: So just end it and leave me out of it.

DEAN: You’re a super delegate. It’s your duty to moot the remaining primaries and declare Obama the winner by acclamation right now.

SD: So half my constituents will hate me and I’ll lose my seat? No thank you! You want it done, you do it; you’re the party chair.

DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAARRRRGH!

PELOSI: I think what Howard is trying to say is that you have to remember what the Bible says.

SD: And what does the bible say?

PELOSI: The Bible says, “It is better for thee to voteth for the black guy and be castigated by thy female supporters than to have thine party suffer for they sake.”

SD: Where does it say that?

PELOSI: It’s right after the part about gay marriage and right before the eleventh commandment that it’s okay to have abortions.

SD: I think you’re making that up. What verse is it?

PELOSI: I’ll have to get back to you on that…

REID: Listen, I think I know a way to work through this.

SD: What’s that?

REID: I have this plot of land in Nevada that’s worth a tidy bundle, and if you play ball with us, I can help you get a little piece of it and then resell it for ten times what it’s worth.

SD: Sorry, no game. Obama’s got much more real estate experience than you do and he offered to fix me up in Chicago.

REID: Then if you don’t help us out, I’ll have some goons come around and beat the piss out of you.

SD: Sorry, Clinton’s got better goons than you do, and they’re already holding my wife in an undisclosed location.

REID: So what are you going to do?

SD: I’m gonna wait until somebody else makes my decision meaningless so that I don’t get my nuts cut off by either candidate, then I’ll declare for the winner after the fact. So you guys can just forget about me taking a beating for you! (Leaves)

PELOSI: So how many superdelegates does that make?

REID: Two hundred and twelve.

DEAN: No, two hundred and six!

REID: We already had this argument!

PELOSI: Quiet, numskulls, or I’ll murderize the both of you!

DEAN: Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!

The Real Adventures of Dick Quest

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Can you rescue Christian Amanpour and the rest of the CNN personalities? Can you harness the power of Quest’s signature move, the Testicle Lasso? Are you brave enough to face level bosses like Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity? Can you overcome the ultimate enemy, Rupert Murdoch?

Advanced Gamers Daily says that it’s “more exciting than watching Larry King interview Shirley McClain!”

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Famously Incompetent Howards

Who is the absolute worst Howard ever? Well, the list of contenders is not short:

Howard the Duck
Arguments For: One of the worst comic book movies ever made, which is quite a trick after the numerous Punisher debacles. A total waste of time, its hit song would make your ears bleed if you listened to it. First known cinematic example of Mallard Porn.
Arguments Against: Brought the serious issue of interspecies love into the public discourse with its romantic storyline between Howard and Beverly.

Howard Hughes
Arguments For: Unfaithful germophobe who ended up insane and deluded wallowing in his own filth and living out of hotels to avoid paying any taxes whatsoever. Played by Leonardo DiCaprio in a movie. Crashed a plane on a golf course.
Arguments Against: Billionaire who picked up his era’s equivalent of what would be the Lohan-Spears-Hilton trifecta.

Ron Howard
Arguments For: Named his children after the place they were conceived, thus ensuring that “Vinnie’s Adult Bookstore Howard” would someday murder him in his sleep. Body is slowly contorting into an evil caricature of a human being as it slowly mirrors the evil deep inside his soul. Emblematic of all that is wrong with the Simpsons
Arguments Against: Good director, whose Hollywood success allowed his much less attractive brother to have a great career as a character actor.

Howard Dean
Arguments For: Michigan. Florida. Upcoming chaos in Denver. Is making John Kerry’s presidential campaign look like it was run by Garry Kasparov. Torpedoed his own run at the presidency by screaming like a howler monkey. Has allowed the 2008 Democratic victory lap to devolve into a bitter mud-slinging contest involving the first viable black candidate, the first viable female candidate, and the only living respected former Democratic president. Is seriously hoping that Al Gore and Jimmy Carter can clean up the mess he’s made.
Arguments Against: I got nothing here. He has a first name as a last name?

Thus Spake Zarathustra, Again

My brother, who is being aggressively recruited by the Karl Rove Center for Nefarious and Evil Political studies, just sent me another political forecast for the Democratic race that I thought I’d share with you.

He had a few minutes to kill at the airport waiting for his plane to Waikiki, where he’s going to be a special guest judge for the Miss Hooters Bikini World Contest. He won the trip during a drawing at his local Hooters’ Merry Bikini-Mas promotional last year.

And I’m sitting here holding frozen produce on the open wounds on my ‘nads. I don’t care what my wife says, I’m starting to think he really is smarter than me.

He accurately predicted a ten-point win in Pennsylvania, and then says that the coming media narrative will now be “Can she be stopped?” What happens from there, he says, is not clear; if superdelegates want their future political fortunes ruined, they’ll vote Obama. If they want to be picketed by Al Sharpton, they’ll vote Clinton. If they have any sense, they’ll switch parties, or at least delist their phone numbers.

He has one premium prediction: if Obama wins the nomination, Clinton will do whatever she can to see that he loses, and loses big. She'll probably keep her hands clean, but expect all kinds of mischief to make him look bad. This is one reason why she is trying to destroy him now, party be damned, because she may lose the battle (2008) but win the war (2012).

After all, if Obama wins, she can't hope to be president until 2016.She'll be almost as old as John McCain by then! Plus she'll face stiff competition: not everybody picks a robotic tight-ass like Al Gore as their VP, you know.

So in 2012 Clinton will make the case to a desperate Democratic party that she is only answer to what has now been 12 long years of Republican neglect, thus setting the stage for the Clinton in 2012 campaign.

How can she malign him but keep her hands clean after the convention? Well, just think: Hillary can post on You Tube with aplomb and shred Obama, with an impenetrable veil of anonymity. We already know that McCain doesn't have a lot of cash for oppo research and commercials, so he'll need all the help he can get.

And never, ever forget that the Clintons attract scumbags like light bulbs attract big ugly insects during the summer. And the Clintonistas love nothing more than to deal death by a thousand cuts of rumor, innuendo, and backchannel gossip.

All this without considering that Jimmy Carter will be “campaigning” for Obama in an effort to make him more attractive to mainstream voters, who will quickly remember just what an incompetent ass Carter really was…

Man Shot in Confrontation over Drive-Thru

A Texas man is in stable condition after being shot yesterday during an angry confrontation in a White Castle drive-thru. The dispute started when, in a gesture of kindness reminiscent of “Pay It Forwards,” a woman not only paid for her meal but the meal of the car behind her.

The next patron, receiving a free meal, paid for the order of the car behind him, and so on. Store manager Davey Fitzcombe said that seven cars followed the pattern without incident when the eighth, driven by Houston native Wally Slocumb, circled back through the drive-through and placed a “massive” order.

“He got forty-two large sliders with sides of onion rings,” said Fitzcombe. “It was thirty-seven dollars, a record for our franchise. I had to go get the key to the safe to be ready to make change for it.”

When the patron in front of Slocumb, retiree Gretta Sanders, was told how much the amount was, however, she refused to pay. Slocumb began berating her from his car, calling her a tightwad and flashing his lights. When Sanders still refused, Slocumb dropped his pants and mooned her.

Sanders, an avid hunter, said she “feared for her life” and retaliated to the hostile heinie by firing six shots at Slocumb, hitting him twice in the posterior. Doctors said that there was no permanent damage, although for the next few months he will have to squat over the toilet instead of sitting on the seat.

Police filed misdemeanor charges of aggravated response to mooning against Sanders, although Prosecutors hinted that they will likely be dropped, as “even in Texas little old ladies are rarely going to be convicted for shooting a jackass in the butt.”

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Chill, man

I’ll never eat peas again.

I just spent the whole day with frozen peas on my balls. It was my wife’s suggestion yesterday to use them to keep the swelling down (as well as numerous commentors on this very blog). I, of course, laughed it off and just spent the evening moaning on the couch.

This morning, though, when I found that instead of balls I had this big purple mass the size of a grapefruit hanging under my dick, I became interested in anti-swelling techniques. So I was happy to have the peas on my privates for the day.

And she took good care of me, bringing me drinks, not complaining about my moaning, and letting me watch whatever I wanted on TV.

You know what? Daytime TV sucks ass. Especially in Europe. Just thought I’d mention that. Thank God I work.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Vasectomy: the Director's Cut

After I write this I’m going to go whimper, but I want to set it down while it’s still seared into my mind. And not seared in the good way, like John Kerry in Cambodia, but seared in a bad way, like…well, like somebody just cut holes in my testicles.

I went in the late afternoon to find my doctor, this young guy with a thick Slavic accent, and a nurse who looked like she’d just staggered in from a rave. I stripped down and put on the little gown, and we got started.

First they throw this drape over you that looks like a fugitive from a porno movie, a big blue square with this little hole in it. I was kind of disappointed at the size of the hole, to be honest with you. Couldn’t they just print “FOR XL PENIS ONLY” on every sheet to make you feel better?

Then, the nurse puts this thing on your hip that’s cold. I mean, really cold. She shaves the affected area and tells you “this is going to be really cold.” Then she takes liquid nitrogen and pours it all over your cock and balls.

I don’t care how much of a pervert you are, if you could get aroused after all that, then they should just shoot you as a menace to society.

Now the doctor and his Slavic apprentice, who have been discussing the latest in malpractice insurance, begin.

The first step is to give you a shot in your right testicle with a needle that is as big around as a quarter. The second step is to put this clamp thing on to stretch your ball sack out so that they can get a good look at it. The third step is to cut on it for a while. You can’t feel that, since the drugs have kicked in. But you can hear it, and in some ways, that’s worse.

I spent the whole time yelling “I WANT OPTION TWO, YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS!”

Now they’re done with the right side, and you’re thinking “that wasn’t so bad.” It only took about five minutes. So they start on the left side. Because the lighting isn’t as good on that side of your body, they take your left testicle into another operating theater and work on it there.

At least, that’s what it felt like. Eventually the drugs kicked in, but there was a good 30 seconds to one minute of what felt like him trying to squeeze my testicle right out of my nut sack.

It was all I could do not to cry.

Finally they were all done. The nurse sprayed something from an aerosol can all over my dick, telling me it’d burn. It didn’t; at least, not right then. About an hour later it felt like somebody was putting cigars out on my cock. But that feeling only lasted about six hours.

Then I sat up, and the little half-gown got askew. Quickly, the nurse sprang into action and made sure that my gown was covering my privates.

You know what? After you’ve shaved my balls, bathed them in ice water, and watched two guys cut them open and pull tubing out of them, I think the moment for modesty between us has passed. Get a good eyeful, lady. If this thrills you after doing this day after day after day, more power to you.

But as for me, I’m not going to pop any boners for a week, for fear of springing a leak and bleeding out.

So I hobbled out, in my hospital-issued underwear with my balls wrapped in gauze.

I guess now I don’t have to become a priest. Which is good, since I’m not Catholic.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Say It Ain't So!

Today, I got the call. Let me tell you, my productivity is now shot since I’m filled with the existential dread that in Europe a vasectomy was the same as a castration. Don’t laugh; judging from the men here, it’s possible.

The date is set for tomorrow at 3. My balls already hurt.

Is it too late to become a priest?

Harvard Artist Shocks Campus

A Harvard art student today shocked the campus with her revelation that she had killed herself, had her body cremated, mixed the ashes with rhinoceros feces, sculpted them into pacifiers, and then sold them as teeth protectors at a local rave. She did it, she said, as a form of performance art to “highlight the mounting disparity between rich and poor in the Asian subcontinent” and to protest the ongoing war in Iraq.

The artist, who goes by the name Koko Yono but whose real name is Sally Benchman, told the Harvard Crimson that “I just wanted people to realize that there’s this giant subclass of poor Asians forced to subsist on rhinoceros dung, while we’re so rich that we waste our money baby pacifiers that don’t really protect you from damage when you collapse after a night of clubbing. Plus, George Bush is a war criminal and should be persecuted for his crimes against humanity in Darfur, in Iraq, and in the Sudan, which is why I had myself cremated, just like millions of innocents who have died by his atom bombs.”

Harvard said that the artist had assured them that the whole thing was a hoax. “When she filed for this piece she assured us that she would not really cremate herself, and we are fairly certain that she hasn’t. It’s a piece of performance art meant to provoke debate and to raise people’s consciousness. We only gave her a $40,000 grant, which is pretty much ass-wipe money for us since we’ve been screwing undergraduates for decades now.”

Yono insisted that the piece was real. “I really did cremate myself and I really did hand out rhino-dung pacifiers at rave parties here on campus. The university knows it, too, but with the negative publicity they’re too afraid to admit it.”
While campus officials did acknowledge a rise in E. Coli infections over the past few weeks, they insisted it was because of improperly stored hot dogs and not because of rhino-feces pacifiers.

Pennsylvanian Drowns in Bridge Accident

An embittered Pennsylvania man drown over the weekend clinging to his hunting rifle and a large cross after he lost control of his car and spun off the Peskatuwan bridge near Pittsburgh in Western Pennsylvania.

Although rescuers threw him a life line, the man refused to take it, instead complaining about his poor economic status and the meaninglessness of his life following the closure of the local mill due to NAFTA. He also appeared upset that the rescuers did not look similar to him.

Presidential candidate Barack Obama called it “an expected tragedy” and said he wasn’t surprised because “I think that most Pennsylvanians would prefer to sink into a watery grave than continue on with their grim, unenlightened existence.”

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Wall Street Morons

As part of my ongoing effort to try to study the AoS morons, I decided it might be good to see what the socio-economic status is of the moron army. I figured that there'd be tons of unemployed, bitter, hobo-hunting Pennsylvania millworkers, but scattered among them I hoped to find some few succesful individuals.

I used a blog worth calculator, found here through Technorati.

You may be surprised to learn that the total blog value of the 78 members of the Moron Army is $5,074,052. That's an average of $65,052 per blog.

Now I know what you're thinking: that's great, but who has the highest-value blog? Our good friends at My Pet Jawa, with $703,981. So the next time you need bail money for urinating on your ex-girlfriend's cat, you know who to call.

Ace is second, with $661,640, with Protein Widsom ($566,798), Cold Fury ($492,843), and Stingary ($280,011) rounding out the top 5.

What we need is somebody who has lots of money, would like to use our blogs as part of his media empire, isn't very intelligent, and would love to shut us up. Then we split the money up evenly, 65K a piece, and start up new blogs somewhere else!

Anybody know the phone number for Daily Kos?

UPDATE: Turns out I skipped My Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, which is worth 500k and change and would thus be fourth. That also pushes us to just over 5.5 million! Sorry, Beth!

Thanks, SEIU Spam-Bot!

For some reason, I received a missive from the SEIU just after the debate last night. I guess their spam-bot is confusing me with Dilton Dollop, renowned labor activist or something. Let's take a look at it, shall we?
OBAMA WINS DEBATE – SHOWS HE IS CLEAR CHOICE FOR WORKING FAMILIES

Well, if they say so, but every other outlet has him tanking in the debate.
SEIU released the following statement from Secretary-Treasurer Anna Burger after tonight’s Democratic primary debate at the Kimmel Theater in Philadelphia . In addition to the SEIU members who attended the debate in Pennsylvania , SEIU hosted a debate watch party at its office in Washington , D.C.
Secretary and Treasurer? Anna Burger must be all-beef patty on a sesame seed bun! I wonder how much she pulls down a year? Other than pants, I mean. And why is the SEIU Secretary/Treasurer/Dominatrix having her statements released? Were they being held captive? What does SEIU stand for? Stop Easter Island, United? Are those the people who want to destroy the giant heads because they think there are stone bodies under there and someday they'll wake up and take over the Earth? Those people are crazy.
“Senator Obama showed this evening why millions of working Americans across America are enthusiastically supporting his campaign to become our next president. Early on in the debate, Obama set the tone with specific proposals to bring the positive change our country needs.

Because that sounds so much better than "Senator Obama fumed and flustered and basically fell apart in the face of semi-difficult questions from a midget former Clinton apparatchik." I thought Obama's bitch was that early in the debate they focused on meaningless things. Ergo, his specific proposals are meaningless?
“As president, Obama will protect families from foreclosure on their homes, reform bankruptcy laws that are stacked against workers and protect consumers against abusive lending practices. His commitment to ensuring access to health care for everyone, raising the minimum wage and creating good paying jobs that can support a family will help create a new American Dream for all of us.

They forgot shoot rainbows out his ass, create a dietary supplement that tastes great and helps you lose weight, and federally require old women to stop wearing too much perfume and gag those around them. And I'm confused; how does the Secretary-Treasurer-Donkey Masturbater figure that the president creates jobs? Is she recommending a massive military buildup and an invasion of Easter Island to destroy all those giant heads? She is, isn't she? Warmongering bitch.
“Most importantly, Obama can unite the country and end the partisan politics. Obama is not beholden to special interests and is the only candidate we can count on to take on the big oil companies, HMOs and drug companies.”

I had an HMO once. Kid only cost me a $15 copay. Then I didn't have an HMO, and the second kid cost me $2,145. What's so bad about HMOs, again? And Obama's beholden to terrorists, sleazy con men, and racist pastors. That's much better. And I notice that, despite her fixation on destroying the Easter Island heads, he doesn't mention it at all. Is this another NAFTA episode, where he says one thing but does another? Is he telling her that he'll nuke the heads, but secretly telling Easter Island they can put a head on the White House lawn and doom us all?

Stupid tools.

Such a turn off...

My wife’s gonna kill me. I got the call from the doctor today, but it came to my cell phone and I had the ringer turned off so I missed it. He didn’t leave a message, and I tried to call back but he wasn’t there.

What if I missed my chance? What if my wife will never make love to me again?

I’m so screwed. Or not, as the case may be.

Political Joke

An interviewer asked Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain about their hunting experiences.

Obama: I once went turkey hunting when I was a bitter, alienated youth. Remember that this was before I had the audacious hope that someday I could help bring this country up from its shame by anointing it with my beneficent presence. Unfortunately, though, unlike chickens, the turkeys never came home to roost, and I had to sate my appetite with an arugula sandwich from the Whole Foods. It was very expensive.

Clinton: I once went hunting in Arkansas without one of those orange vests, and bullets were flying through the air, and I almost got hit several times, but I still bagged a ten-point buck that I brought down with a bow and arrow. Even Bill, who has an impressive hunting record, has never mounted a trophy half as good-looking as that one.

McCain: With all due respect to Mrs. Clinton, my life story is full of harrowing experiences, from being tortured in a VC prison camp to flying fighter jets to trying to pass comprehensive immigration reform while Rush Limbaugh calls me names on talk radio. And all of that pales in comparison to my experience hunting with Dick Cheney.

Happy Earth Day!

I know this is early, but follow the link over to Demure Thoughts and enjoy a good laugh at Earth Day's expense.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Communication Problems

Actual transcript of a conversation this afternoon:

Wife: “Did the doctor call you today?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Wife: “Did you call him?”

Me: “Why in God’s name would I call him?”

Wife gives me stare of doom.

Me: “I mean, he’s a professional and he has an office staff and everything. He’ll call if there’s an opening, I’m sure.”

Wife: “You know I’m not having sex with you until after you’ve had the operation, right?”

Me: “Does that count blow jobs?”

Wife knees me in groin.

I sleep on couch.

I never thought I’d say this, but I hope Doctor Nuttencutt calls me tomorrow.

Giant Monster Attack ‘Inevitable’

A panel of experts told the US Senate today that a giant monster attack on Washington DC was “inevitable” and that the best they could do was hope that the monster sated itself on tourists before passing out in a drunken stupor in the reflecting pool.

“We can say with certainty that there will be a giant monster attack on Washington DC within the next twenty years, and that this monster will probably pee on the Jefferson Memorial, which looks a lot like a toilet,” said GMA expert Charles D. Ward. “Anyone who lives in the metro area is likely to be consumed and, depending upon the nature of the giant monster, impregnated with its brood.”

The scientific panel said that most likely the source of the Giant Monster would be pesticide-laden bugs grown to enormous size, but that a single deep-sea monster was not out of the question. “I think it’s very likely that Cloverfield would end up looking like a best-case scenario,” said Kitty Carlisle, head of NASA’s GMA Research Center. “The reality is that conventional weapons would be useless, and we’d be left scrambling to find a giant monkey to combat the threat.”

Former Vice President John K. Mondale, speaking from the National Hollywood Reporter’s Convention where he was accepting a lifetime achievement award for his film An Uninvited Guest, said that he thought the panel was being optimistic. “During my time in office I worked tirelessly to get a Kong Defense System implemented across the Easter seaboard to protect us from this kind of threat, until George Bush derailed it and put us all in harm’s way. I recommend people stock up on bullets and prepare for the worst.”

Senators expressed alarm at the findings, and promised to raise taxes on something in a desperate bid to squeeze some more money from the economy.

Other things Ahmadinejad Believes

9/11 Truther? Holocaust Denier? Yes, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg for Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Get a load of some other things that he believes:

The Tooth Fairy is a Zionist
If you don’t brush your teeth, the tooth fairy comes in the night and rubs them with pork rinds, causing them to rot right out of your head. She also sells your teeth in order to finance the Israeli lobby that controls America.

Women can’t get pregnant unless they have an orgasm
This explains the low birth rates in European countries, where men are less endowed than the ‘Arabian Stallions’ of the Middle East.

Chinese Restaurants Use Cats
From a speech last month: “this is the reason why the meats in most Chinese entrees are stringy, it is because there are cats inside the meat, because it is cheaper to use cat meat than to buy cow meat, and everyone knows that this style of cooking was exported from the Zionists to the Chinese, as part of their plot to rule the world.”

No Gays in Iran
“This gay phenomenon does not exist in my country.”

He really only believes one of those things, but it’s also the only subject that appears on a major platform of a US Political party.

Tell me why he’s such a super guy again?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A brief reprieve?

I didn’t get the call today. I told my wife I was disappointed, but in reality, since I’ve been singing higher than Mariah Carey since Doctor Nuttencutt’s yesterday, I’m quite pleased with the results.

Dare I hope that the operating rooms are jammed with people who need them more, like those getting needed butt lifts or teeth whitening?

As you can tell, I’m not exactly rushing into this or anything.

Jar-Jar Carter?

You might think that Jimmy Carter had only one brother, but in fact he had two. Consider the powerful evidence:

Jimmy Carter supports tyrants in the name of “dialogue” as long as they are anti-Israel.

Jar-Jar Binks embraces tyrants by giving a demagogue extraordinary powers so long as he is anti-clone.

Jimmy Carter was terrorized by a killer hare that threatened to capsize his boat.

Jar-Jar Binks was terrorized by a giant killer fish that chased his ship beneath the waters of Naboo.


Jimmy Carter was of absolutely no value as a president, yet ended up getting a Nobel Prize and is somehow regarded as a “statesman.”

Jar-Jar Binks was of absolutely no value during the great battle against the Trade Federation, yet ended up getting an honorary appointment as senator.

Jimmy Carter somehow makes these two morons look like Sith Lords.

Jar-Jar somehow made us miss the effete robot sidekick from the first three movies.

It’s high time we recognized this by either making Jar-Jar Beer, or making sure that Carter is never allowed to appear in public again.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Kim Jong Il warns Hamas

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il issued a strongly-worded statement to Hamas today, warning them to "keep your hands off my bitch" and saying that he did not authorize former US President Jimmy Carter's visit to the West Bank.

"I am supreme Carter Pimp!" the bespectacled leader said in his weekly radio address. "You will not touch my ho without my say-so! You may think you are appeased by him, but only I can be a-pleased by him!"

A spokesman for the Nobel Laureate and overall moron said that he hoped to meet soon with other terrorists in a bid to "renew the spirit of Chamberlain around the globe."

Rumors of a seance to summon the dead spirit of Hitler so that Carter can grovel to him have not been confirmed.

The Unkindest Cut

So I saw Doctor Nutencutt yesterday. If you’ve never had a consultation for a vasectomy, let me tell you how it goes:

First of all, the doctor has to see if you’re serious. In my case, the doctor was about seventy years old and a chain smoker. For some reason, once I’d verified his hands were steady, that made me feel better.

He gave me the third degree about why I wanted a vasectomy, because it was damned well gonna be permanent and irreversible. Before answering, I took just a moment to verify he wasn’t thinking of castration. His answer, while vague enough to stand up in court in case there were any "misunderstandings", satisfied me. And he promised me sexual powers, or at least that my sexual powers wouldn’t diminish, which is really all a guy can ask for.

I told him that I had children, didn’t want any more, and my wife took a medicine that caused birth defects so we needed a certain method of birth control. He needed further convincing that I was serious and kept grilling me. Finally I said “if I don’t get a vasectomy my wife isn’t going to make love to me any more.”

“Drop your pants and hop up on the table so I can examine you,” he tells me.

If you’re keeping score: a two-headed monster baby is a maybe, but your wife cutting you off means clear sailing ahead. I've no idea whether or not the same thing works with a female doctor.

So then I’m laying on a table with no pants on. The doctor grabs my scrotum, makes a little skin puppet out of my ball sack, and then says “hi, I’m doctor testy! Do you want the local anesthetic, or option two?”

At this point I was trying to swallow my tongue and die. Failing that, I yelled out something about how I wanted the local anesthetic and agreed to be his bitch if only he’d let go. Only later did I even realize that option 2 might be blissful unconsciousness while he dissected me like one of those poor frogs in junior high. But it was too late by then.

Next thing I know I’m laying there feeling vaguely violated and trying not to vomit, and he drops this happy little bomb on me: “maybe I can fit you in for a vasectomy next Tuesday, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know.”

I had no idea that there was a line of doctors itching to chop on a guys testes. WTF is wrong with Europe that it takes seven months to get a shoulder replacement but vasectomies are basically done at the walk-in clinic? (kudos to S. Weasel for predicting this in the comments)

I’m seriously thinking about becoming a priest.

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Vasectomy Chronicles

A year ago my wife and I decided that it was time to get the final solution. That’s right: it was time for me to get a vasectomy. Like a good husband, I immediately began working on it. I got the number of a urologist and then didn’t call, because I sure as heck don’t want somebody cutting on my testicles.

Fast forward to this weekend, when my wife gave me this delightful ultimatum while cutting vegetables for dinner on Sunday: “you’ve got three options: you call the doctor tomorrow, we stop having sex, or you drop your pants right now and get this taken care of.”

Needless to say, I called the doctor today. Now, you have to understand that we live in Europe, home to socialized medicine and forty-minute waits just to buy something in the grocery store. So what’s the likelihood that there’s a doctor waiting to perform vasectomies on demand? I was feeling pretty smug, I tell you.

You know what? Turns out that not only is Doctor Nuttencutt available, he can see me THIS AFTERNOON for a consultation! I’m freaking out now.

But honestly, what is the likelihood that I’ll be getting cut on within the next six months? Pretty low, I’m thinking.

Shoe the other foot

I think I can help heal this divide between privileged liberal and poor redneck. I’m going to reverse-translate Barack Obama’s commentary so that liberals can understand what so-called small town America heard from him over the weekend.

Imagine that GOP Presidential candidate Eustus P. Hogg III is speaking to the Upper Mudflap Rotary Convention in Mudflap, Pennsylvania, and he says the following:

“Y’all know that in some places, like San Francisco or New York, there are boys who grow up without ever learning what it means to be a real man. So they dress like metrosexuals, they drink lattes instead of coffee, they’re incompetent with basic power tools, and they get degrees in law or philosophy instead of learning a real trade that adds value to the country. It’s high time that they got their painted nails a little bit chipped by helping make this country great, don’t you think?

“I understand that being a real man cuts into the amount of time you can spend sticking stuff in your ass to find the limits of your accomodation. But I don’t think the founding fathers really valued that kind of activity.”

His apology would then go something like this:

“I’m sorry that a whole bunch of pantywaist queerbaits got upset about my comments yesterday. I think it’s a good thing that they’re not real men, and I think it’s fine that they like to spend time grooming their eyebrows and debating Proust or whatever. Those are fine American pursuits. The whole thing is a distraction from my ‘Gun in Every House’ campaign that the out-of-touch Limousine Liberals don’t want to talk about.”

Then a strategist for the GOP might say something like this:

“There’s this assumption in Conservative circles, this way of speaking, that you just don’t talk about aloud. Everybody knows that liberals are Godless heathens who like to form trysts with animals, but saying out loud is considered gauche. We have to be polite to them, because they do make up a valuable segment of the electorate that we want to exploit.”

Advice You Don’t Need

So Jimmy Carter and Al Gore are supposedly going to give Hillary Clinton “the talk” and try to get her out of the race for the good of the party. What, was Michael Dukakis not available?

Seriously, Clinton needs to remember two things when dealing with these morons:

1) Carter’s legacy is more tarnished than the silverware on the Titanic. I can’t believe he’s going to be able to fit Clinton in between meetings to appease Hamas and his busy schedule of sucking Kim Jong Il’s dick. What a tool.

2) Gore would be president today, easily cruising to his second term, if he’d simply bowed out in 2000 “for the good of the country” and then spent the next four years running in the newspapers (a la Andrew Jackson in the early 1800’s). But instead his overweening selfishness forced a court battle he was never going to win, soured the public on him, and marginalized his political career forever. Now he has to settle for being a junk science tout.

If I were her, I’d call them both what they are (losers) and tell them to take a hike.

You might say she should learn from Gore and gracefully bow out, but remember: primary battles are *supposed* to be bruising, ego-centered contests where candidates tear each other apart. That’s just the way it is.

How is it that the only woman in the race has the biggest balls?

I’m no genius, but…

Doesn’t it seem that for a guy who is supposed to be such a great orator, Barack Obama says “perhaps I could have phrased that better” an awful lot?

Stupid is as Stupid Does

So Lindsey Lohan is going to appear naked in a movie to prove that she’s a serious actress. Because this always works.

Does anybody think that Playboy models are deep thinkers because they get interviewed in between shots of them cavorting nakedly? Not really.

I think there’s a cause-and-effect lesson in there somewhere for aspiring serious actresses.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Heston Remake Proposal

Dear Mr. Stone,

I understand that since you’re under pressure from the White House to stop production on your vehicle ‘W’ you are shopping for new script ideas. Since remakes are hot, and Chuck Heston just died, why not remake one of his films? I know that they’re not appropriate for today’s audiences, but with a few tweaks we can stay faithful to the original and still turn out something that will delight the hicks in flyover America.

Here’s my first pass; you’ve got my numbers if you want a treatment on any of these:

Ben Hur
Old Angle: Dude has chariot race, kills old friend.
New Angle: To tell the real story of a fallout between two male friends in the early days of the Roman Empire, think “Brokeback Mountain” meets “Gladiator”. Guaranteed 200 million plus domestic box office.

The Ten Commandments
Old Angle: A bunch of preachy blather and unrealistic special effects. Who’s going to believe the whole staff-to-cobra thing?
New Angle: This movie needs a radical reimagining. Cyborgs are hot; why don’t we set this in the year 2200 and have Moses be leading his people out from under slavery to the Cyber-Pharaoh, who is forcing them to build a giant digital storage system where they will be enslaved to provide power for his legion of robots? The Pharoah’s name could be Bush 8.4.
Alternate New Angle: If you want a ripped-from-the-headlines feel, you could pick up where Moses leads his cronies into their so-called “Promised Land” and find it inhabited, so they begin massacring the Palestinians, the rightful owners of the land. We could even mix in some footage from today to show that this dynamic has been repeating over and over for the past 4,000 years.

Planet of the Apes
Old Angle: Lost astronaut meets talking monkeys.
New Angle: Unfortunately this got remade recently with Donnie Wahlberg (or was it Mark? I can never keep them separate), the strychnine of box office receipts. We’ll have to take a pass on this. Which is too bad, because we could get a lot of mileage out of having the emperor ape named George and having an evil priestess ape named Hillary and having the hero be the noble Barack.

Soylent Green
Old Angle: Overpopulation leads to overacting.
New Angle: It’s the year 2020, and the rise in temperatures has led to a nightmare that makes Ted Turner look optimistic. With cannibal gangs running amok in America’s heartland, one brave scientist has to work to find a solution to stop global warming and secure the food chain before rising sea levels drown us all. Possible Keanu Reeves vehicle, since he did so well in “Chain Reaction”.

True Lies
Old Angle: Terrorists are bad, marriage is good.
New Angle: A middle eastern falafel stand owner and his mistress must stop a diabolical government plot by the US Government to detonate nuclear weapons in the Venezuelan heartland and bring down noble president Hugo Ch├ávez, all without being discovered by the hero’s deranged wife who is always railing about their marriage vows being ‘sacred’ or some other crazy religious code word. Possible problem is the only Middle Eastern actor I know is Tony Shalhoub, and he seems weird.

Omega Man
Old Angle: Vampires chase only human left.
New Angle: Actually, that’s a pretty good angle, with one change: the human is actually a WEREWOLF! I bet you didn’t see that coming, did you? Plus, there’s a population of Franknesteins that worship an atomic bomb living in the catacombs beneath the city.

The Buccaneer
Old Angle: How the hell should I know ? This movie was way too complicated to follow. They fought a battle after the war was over? WTF?
New Angle: US troops commit atrocities against Iraqi civilians without any remorse whatsoever, then return to the states to commit atrocities against citizens without any remorse whatsoever. The screenplay practically writes itself!

So give me a call so I can get working on this. It's time we put that new writer's contract to work for each other!

Sky Heavier than Thought

NASA revealed on Wednesday that, according to data from their latest satellite measuring the atmosphere, density in the Lithosphere is twice what had previously been theorized. Since the Lithosphere represents almost 1/5 of the total volume of the atmosphere, this means that the sky is 10% heavier than previous measurements.

“This spells disaster,” said Tim Hansen, head researcher of NASA’s Falling Sky Program. “We knew the sky was heavy, but we didn’t realize how critically heavy it really was. It’s going to come crashing down on us and destroy us any minute now.”

NASA recommended immediate panic, with people cracking open each other’s head and eating the goo inside.

Movie Budgets Fall: Peacenicks, Gay Cowboys Hardest Hit

So we won’t be treated to any more of these spectacular 3 to 15 million-dollar dark movies about gay cowboys overcoming their war trauma and inbred Middle American family prejudices? My, whatever shall we do with ourselves?

Whatever you do, do not attempt sexual intimacy, because years of exposure to TV radiation has left your genitals shriveled and useless…

(H/T Libertas, just the best film site ever)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Congressionalmania

My brother, who has never blogged in his life, scored tickets to be in the online gallery for the live premiere of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. So he’s decided to start up his own blog so he can weblog the event. Not only do mom and dad love him best, he’s an asshole.

Meanwhile, as per his great idea last week, I’m set to liveblog the Congressional Hearings on Professional Wrestling on C-Span. I guess after they reformed baseball they figure they can clean up the sewer of gutter trash and ‘roid-heads that is professional wrestling. I’ve got my TiVo ready so I can make sure I get the quotes right. This should be great. Not.

I hope Victoria’s Secret debuts the new Kathy Bates thong.

Liveblog of the April 14 Congressional Hearings on Professional Wrestling:

10:30 AM: I just realized that if it weren't for the word "Professional" this would be the CHOW hearings. Instead it's CHOPW. Way to screw up the acronym, Congress. Anyway this appears to be a mixed committee of Representitives and Senators, which I didn't even think they did. But apparently everybody wants to be seen grilling the steroid freaks of wrestling, because all the big names are in the room. Ted Kennedy, Pelosi, Lieberman, Waxman, Arlen Specter, and even Larry Craig. Huh, you'd think he might want to stay away from issues involving big, sweaty men engaged in homo-erotic grappling. Or maybe not.

10:50 AM: They finally got through the introductions of the panelists and witnesses. We’ve got some real “celebrities” here today. Did you know that Hulk Hogan is now balder than George Costanza? He’s almost as buff, too. What’s the point of this, again? Anybody who’s seen a Slim Jim commercial knows that Macho Man Randy Savage is strung out on ‘roids. It’s not a “yes/no” question, it’s a “how much” question.

11:03 AM: First question comes from Teddy Kennedy, who needs the early slot because he’ll be getting plastered at lunch. His question (and I’ll take out the numerous “Ah” and “er” and other stumbles to save space): “How is it that Randy Orton is able to purposefully disqualify himself in No Way Out 2008, lose the match, and yet retain his title? Don’t you think you owe it to fans to have meaningful penalties when competitors seek to game the rules?” What the hell? I guess Ted had lunch early today or something. For the first time ever Vince McMahon is speechless, as is his lawyer, who had doubtless expected a different line of questioning.

11:05 AM: Thirty-five minutes into it and we get our first reference to wrestling as a sport, with no laughter from the gallery. Speaking of which, how did these seedy crackpots get past security in the capitol?

11:06: Ted cuts off Vince, asking him if it’s reasonable that a person could lose a match but retain his championship. Waxman adds that he wants to know what the difference between the different championship belts is. But Vince doesn’t get a word out; instead Specter answers for him, telling the others that “we’re not here to determine how Wrestling structures its championship system, which is no more convoluted than the BCS.”

11:11 AM: Pelosi is drilling McMahon and asking if he thinks the WWE Divas are good role models for girls. “I find it commendable that they enter the ring to defend their allies, but don’t you think they deserve costumes that don’t fly apart and reveal their breasts to forty million people?” She draws a comparison to Janet Jackson more torturous than the final scene of Braveheart, but Specter jumps on her with both feet telling her this is Pay-Per-View and not subject to the FCC.

11:15 AM: Have you ever noticed that Pelosi looks like she’s wearing a Nancy Pelosi plastic mask? Kind of like Mike Myers and the William Shatner mask in Halloween, only Myers is more competent about his business. Still, there’s been about two minutes of silence as she and Specter glower at each other across the room.

11:16 AM: Vince McMahon tries to be the voice of reason and promises that “at the WWE we push the envelope, but always keep it within acceptable social norms.” When Vince freaking McMahon is the voice of reason, the crazy train is off the rails, my friends.

11:34 AM: Well, this is the one hour point, and we’re almost to the fourth question. My brother just text messaged me to tell me that VS has come out with a new “PermaWet” tight white T-Shirt for big-breasted women. I hope it’s modeled by Roseanne Barr.

11:41 AM: Lieberman has finally finished his soliloquy about how wrestling was more pure back when Gorgeous George wore the spandex armor or some such bullshit like that. He’s asking Hulk Hogan if he can explain why so many good guys “go bad” and admonishing Hulk for not telling more people about the pain of his own time on the dark side. I never thought I’d agree with the Kos Kidz, but Lieberman might actually be suffering from dementia.

11:45 AM: The Hulkster didn’t get much time to answer before Waxman asked about possible EEOC implications of McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass” club and forcing people to join it. Specter jumped all over that one too, saying that Wrestling is a right-to-work endeavor and that Congress has no right to restrict McMahon’s employee policies.

11:47 AM: I’m gonna have to get a transcript, because even after rewinding this thing like ten times I can’t tell if Waxman, in a question about whether McMahon had more or less power than a typical sports commissioner, just referred to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell as a Kleagle or a Weiner. It’s gotta be the latter, though, because Democrats never stoop to using racial epithets.

11:48: Fireworks just before lunch, as Pelosi is telling McMahon that wrestling is a monopoly and has abused its power and thus needs to be controlled. McMahon’s protesting he’s an entertainer, but nobody’s listening to him anymore. Specter is saying other wrestling corporations have existed in the past and will exist in the future and is railing about free markets.

11:50 AM: BAM! Pelosi gaveled Specter to silence: “I sincerely hope that the assorted representatives will begin taking their roles seriously and do the people’s business!” Specter is not happy about that!

11:58 AM: Took a quick break to vomit, try to hang myself. Unfortunately I couldn’t find enough rope to get the job done. I got another text message from my brother: “Crotchless Panties are in This Season!” Bastard. I hope all the models have crabs.

12:05 PM: Okay, I admit I fast forwarded through some shit, and now Lieberman’s sitting on the other side of the room next to Specter. And there’s a buxom young blonde standing behind Kennedy now and whispering in his ear. I hope she brought a swimsuit, because when you hang out with Kennedy you need to be ready to go swimming at a moment’s notice.

12:08 PM: They just held the first vote, on whether to grant immunity to witnesses, and Lieberman voted with the Republicans. Pelosi is seriously pissed off now, and she bangs the gavel down like she'd rather be slamming it into Lieberman's skull. At least this is more entertaining than hearing Vince McMahon try to dodge questions about steroids.

12:10 PM: Kennedy and Craig are in an argument now. They’re both on their feet staring each other down, and suddenly the woman (who Kennedy introduced as his campaign manager, Honey Thize) has ripped off her conservative business suit to reveal a sequined bunny outfit and is cavorting behind Kennedy, trying to distract Craig! It’s not working.

12:13 PM: I’ve gotta repeat this exchange word for word, with Kennedy’s accent in full bloom:
Kennedy: You, er, ah, want, ah, that Wrestling is, erm, teaching ah children that cheating is, ah, wrong?
Craig: I’ve always taken the position that-
Kennedy: We know all about your, erm, wide stances!
Craig: Drunken murderer!
Kennedy: Cahk hunting dee-vee-ant!
12:14 PM: I guess Kennedy won, since Craig sat down first. Then Kennedy kind of listed and had to have help from Honey to sit. It reminded me of the way the Titanic sank in the movie. Speaking of which, you know what the difference is between Ted Kennedy and the Titanic? When the Titanic went down people helped each other get out of the water.

12:25 PM: Ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back: hearing Henry Waxman excoriate Vince McMahon for the Floyd Mayweather/Big Show fight, where Mayweather won by using brass knuckles. I think Waxman said “scurrilous” thirty times.

12:28 PM: Finally, some action! Specter kept telling McMahon he didn’t have to answer, since the integrity of wrestling isn’t in question, until finally Pelosi gaveled him out of order. He was so mad he made a big show of getting up and leaving the hearing, strolling down the aisle like he was just daring anyone to say anything. I didn't realize Arlen Specter had a pimp stroll. Waxman then tried to make some kind of point about how wrestling was corrupting other sports, for some reason bringing up Pacman Jones. Lieberman tried to make a joke about boxing being the only "pristine" sport left, but Pelosi was having none of it. I think maybe he's dead to her, she wouldn't even say his name, just "the Senator".

12:35 PM: Pelosi takes a turn now, totally ignoring Larry Craig. She bores in on McMahon about wrestlers using hidden weapons in violation of "league rules" (her words - does wrestling even count as a "league"?) She asks the Rock about that, and you can tell he's trying to distance himself from all this as much as possible. He tries to make a joke about how his arms are lethal weapons, and Pelosi dresses him down for making light of the potential for serious injury. Then, and I swear this is true, she shows a montage of wrestlers using "weapons". Mostly folding chairs but a few chains, some brass knuckles, and one truly awesome scene where Ric Flair goes to town on some guy with a cheese grater. (I kid you not). Afterwards Pelosi demands of Flair to know how long the guy was in the hospital. He tries to tell her he didn't really hurt the guy, but Pelosi is all "What about the blood"?

12:42 PM: As a side note, watching Pelosi question Ric Flair on splitscreen was like watching Granny berating Jed on The Beverly Hillbillies.

12:45 PM: Okay, now this is getting weird: Arlen Specter is back, and he’s wearing a ski mask like he’s going to rob a bank. He’s slammed down a nameplate that says “Phil A. Buster” in front of him and is sitting there with his arms crossed, leaning back, just daring anybody to speak to him. I think they’re afraid to make eye contact, personally.

12:48 PM: I think Senator Buster’s getting pissed that Pelosi won’t recognize him. She won’t even look at him. This is high comedy. I don’t even care that my brother just sent me a text message that the models are now circulating in the crowd so that the journalists can experience their new line of Nipple Perfume.

12:50 PM: Waxman starts talking about health care coverage for injured wrestlers when his mike goes dead. Senator Buster has jumped up on the table with a bullhorn and is now raving at the crowd about how Wrestling is an American tradition, how George Washington would have been the first Heavyweight champion, and the Democrats are trying to ruin a piece of America because they’re not patriotic. He says if anybody stands against them, they’re going to get hit by the Flying Subpoena.

12:55 PM: Pelosi’s had enough and she calls in the guards to take Senator Buster away. There’s a scuffle, and Specter holds up pretty well against three guys. They wrestle him down, though, and Pelosi tells them to “reveal who the Masked Senator really is!” They do and

12:56 PM: OH MY GOD! That’s not Arlen Specter! It’s NFL washout Heath Shuler. WTF?! I can’t believe it! What is a Blue Dog Democrat doing in league with Arlen Specter? Has the world gone mad?

12:57 PM: Suddenly here’s Arlen Specter and Trent Lott and Ted Stevens, all rushing the stage. They’re grabbing for the gavel and shouting at Pelosi, and POW! She drops Stevens with a gavel right between the eyes. I don’t like Nancy Pelosi, but she just lived every American’s dream.

12:59 PM: Jack Murtha just came out of the crowd and knocked over Trent Lott! Specter’s got the gavel, but he’s also got a big cut across his forehead. Pelosi’s nowhere to be seen. The crowd is really going crazy, hooting like the audience at a bad new Fox comedy.

1:01 PM: Honey Thize and Larry Craig are going at it, and she’s ripped his shirt off and I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! LARRY CRAIG WEARS A PINK CORSET WITH PURPLE BOWS ON IT! I’m speechless. I’d say that no one will ever respect Larry Craig again, but that day had probably already come and gone.

1:02 PM: There is a God, because my brother just texted me saying that VS is also debuting their new line of transvestite nipple jewelry at the show, the Hairy Pit Collection. Advantage: Plebian!

1:04 PM: Waxman has pulled off Lott’s hairpiece and is trying to make him eat it. Pelosi is at the edge of the room, guarded by about four or five other representatives, and is saying that this fight isn’t finished. She’s calling for her supporters to come back over but

1:05 PM: OH MY GOD! LIEBERMAN JUST HIT TED KENNEDY WITH A FOLDING CHAIR!!!!! THE WHALE IS BEACHED! REAPEAT: THE WHALE IS BEACHED!

1:07 PM: Specter’s up on the table with the mic ranting about how “Now is the time for a new world order! We are the Master Debaters! All will serve us! Republicans and Democrats are no more! We are the Master….Debaters!” He screams the last part in a high-pitched voice while Heath Shuler is flexing down at his feet, the veins on his neck straining to burst.

1:08 PM: The screen just went black. Wow. Are all Congressional hearings that good?

Environmentalists: Zanns in a Janna world

You know what occurred to me the other day? Environmentalists are all just like the Wondertwin Zann. You remember him, the dickhead who was always sure that the key to defeating the giant alien monster was to transform into a bucket of water? Only numb-nuts never actually brought the bucket; he had to rely on Gleep to have one to catch his sorry ass before he went down the drain?

Similarly, environmentalists love to write these stories about how water levels will rise and we’ll all die in a giant tidal wave of doom unless we activate some utterly unworkable solution of dubious merit, like eradicating the world economy and forcing a massive human die-off.

Um, dipshits? Even if you’re correct (which I doubt), the water’s not going to come tomorrow. And as it comes, we’ll fix it. For example, there’s this fantastic new device called a dike that can be used to REPEL WATER!

I’ll grant you that it’s a technology in its infancy, having only been used about four centuries in the Netherlands, but using advanced computer models and giant government subsidies I’m sure we’ll come up with some stopgap applications to keep us all from drowning.

See, I’m a Janna at heart: I don’t care what the threat is, I figure if I transform into a Zorgonian Forty-Ton Laser Rhinoceros, I can at least severely wound it, if not outright kill it. If my dipshit tagalong thinks that a giant popsicle is the way to go; well, good luck with that, but don’t count on me transforming into a Pitonian Humming Beetle just because you suggested it.

The worst is the politicians, who are all Gleeps at heart: always causing trouble and helping dumbass Zann with his half-cocked schemes by carrying the bucket, or sticking their noses in to help him transform into something utterly useless.

The least you could all do is just get out of the way and let us Jannas go to work. If there’s a problem, we’ll fix it.

Or at least severely wound it.

ESPN looks up, finds nadir

In a piece for ESPN the Magazine on Barry Bonds, Bill Simmons drops this little boy in an aside:
the Smithsonian doesn't ignore nadirs in this country's history like slavery, Hiroshima or Vanilla Ice.
Cheers for using the word “nadir.” I would have guessed that no ESPN writers even knew what the world meant, much less that they could correctly use it in a sentence.

Jeers for his choice of nadirs beyond slavery. Did none of the editors (if there are any) at ESPN.com think to point out that maybe Hiroshima was not considered by a plurality of Americans to be a nadir? Or is this groupthing at its finest? 200+ years, and he comes up with Hiroshima?

If he wanted a bombing, couldn’t he have at least picked Nagasaki? As the descendant of someone who fought in the Pacific in World War 2, I’m kind of glad that we didn’t lose hundreds of thousands more soldiers in the island hopping campaign, perhaps including my grandfather, which perhaps means I wouldn’t have been born.

And Vanilla Ice? He broke the rap color barrier and allowed white rappers to flourish, like Eminem and, uh, all those other guys. Where we would we be today without him? In a much poorer place.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Leatherhead Writers Demand Credit

The screenwriters for box-office turd Leatherheads filed a petition with the Writers Guild of America today demanding that the credits be updated to show the contributions of everyone involved.

“If you saw Leatherhead today you’d think it was written by Duncan Brantley and Rick Reilly,” an attorney for the two said in a statement in Variety. “But in reality George Clooney wrote this piece of dreck. All he kept from my clients was the title and character names. Everything else is all his, and they want that to be reflected.”

While the WGA considers the case, the two have taken the rare step of requesting that the film’s distributor, Universal, change the writing credit for the screenplay to Alan Smithee in solidarity with Clooney.

“It’s unacceptable that he’s not getting top billing,” said a statement. “In fact, he should get sole billing for this unique movie. We don’t want any of the credit at all. None. The more we think about it, the more sure we are that we didn’t write it, either. We think probably our names got put on it by mistake. Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

Monday, April 7, 2008

MLB Forecast

Good news, gambling derelicts everywhere! I have figured out how the MLB season will end. That’s right, it’s time for a RIDICULOUSLY EARLY SEASON FORECAST!

AL East
Even though the Orioles are currently in first place, they will tank in the second half of the season like they always do. So this Baltimore team, like so many others before them, is a mirage. You know, they ought to change their name to the Baltimore Mirage. Or does that sound like a seedy strip club? They are owned by Peter Angelos, who is a lot like that weird guy in the back of the strip club who never tips the dancers and keeps his hands in his pockets the whole night…

This division will be won by the Red Sox, with the Yankees in second place taking a Wild Card bid, just as God, ESPN, and the cosmos demand.

AL Central
Stick a fork in the Tigers, they’re done. You don’t lose six games in a row and come back to win it all, that’s for sure. It’ll be a two-way death match between the White Sox and the Indians to see who gets to lose to the Red Sox in the first round of the playoffs.

I’m aware that Kansas is 4-2. With some luck they might just double that win total by July 4th.

AL West
There’s only one team (Los Angeles of Anaheim) with a winning record in this putrid division of stinking, festering, garbage-heap teams. So you can forget about them for the rest of the year.

If these teams were any good they’d play east of the Mississippi. Whoever wins here will end up losing to the all-mighty Yankees in the Playoffs, setting up the inevitable Red Sox-Yankees showdown for THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE BASEBALL UNIVERSE!!!

You will be riveted to your televisions, pursuant to Federal Law.

NL East
The Mets are just laying low, lulling the other teams into a sense of false security before they roar ahead midyear, make several foolish acquisitions just before the deadline, and then fade from the top in late September. Just like every year!

But Florida’s hovering at 3-3, a sure sign that a surprise World Series win/team dismemberment is on the horizon.

NL Central
No longer does the stench of failure and stale beer haunt Milwaukee, my friends: that 5-1 record is the sign of success! This team will surely roll to a first-round playoff loss and all the fan joy that such a failure entails.

Accompanying them as Wild Card will be the nigh-unstoppable Chicago Cubs, since Bud Selig will rig the season and the playoffs to eliminate the last “curse” from his sport. Rampant steroids and out of control spending? Much less important than making Chicago fans feel better about themselves. Much less important, indeed.

NL West
Here’s an idea: why not take every “West” team and spin them off into their own baseball league, called The League of Suck? All these teams suck, right? Don’t let those gaudy records in Arizona and Los Angeles fool you; once they have to play real teams in New York, they’ll start folding like a Laundromat.

I’m sure the Giants, led by slugger Barry Bonds, will come back to capture this division. What’s that, you say? Bonds doesn’t play for the Giants? Not yet, he doesn’t.

[Update: Fred at Real Debate points out that my earlier gag on the Brewers doesn't work because they went to the series in 82. So I had to change it. Now this post is dead to me!]

Friday, April 4, 2008

Enough is Enough

It is time for us to stop pretending that we’re not at war and get serious about ending the most dangerous threat ever to face our great nation. We’ve shrugged off attack after attack on our military and our civilian infrastructure, and the only thing our tolerance has brought us is more hatred.

That’s right: it’s time to destroy all the animals. We can no longer turn the other cheek and listen to the mealy-mouthed liberals who want to let them take our way of life from us.

We’ve known this day was coming since the day that a deranged rabbit tried to kill President Carter. I don’t care how incompetent the president is, I don’t want some scraggly-assed savage taking shots at him without experiencing extreme retribution.

Fortunately Carter managed to escape the bucktoothed agent of death, but can we take a chance that our other elected officials will be so lucky? In India, the deputy mayor of Delhi was killed by wild monkeys. Our clear impotence at their outrageous attacks on our key allies only emboldens them further.

Worse, some traitors in the US try to foist upon us that these animals are peaceful, or even worse, scarce! In a recent holiday, rabbits were portrayed as pink, fluffy, candy-leaving agents of world peace. In reality, they are hissing, buck-toothed assassins who want to tear your throat out and eat your children.

These savages know no bounds or decency: in Boston a schoolgirl is savagely attacked by an angry hawk, which tried to pull her brain out of her head in front of horrified classmates. And it is not only the children who are at risk: just last year a beaver attacked an elderly grandmother who was swimming with her children, probably for impropriety.

How long will we ignore polar bear attacks on our submarine fleets, squirrels disrupting the mail system, and crocodiles stopped only by alert citizen intervention?

It has come down to us against them, their teeth gnashing for our blood. And Ted Turner is already on their side!

Some might tell you that this is a problem that can be solved by law and order; well, I remind you that the guards are often the first victim, as jailers in San Francisco and China found out recently.

We need to get serious about this and vote to secure our great nation from these dangerous animals. If congress would just divert 1% of the funding from their secret project to develop a mind control chemical to add to Coco-Puffs, then we could develop a bomb that preferentially destroys animals but leaves structures and humans intact.

That would go a long way towards cleaning out the real hell holes around the world, like Yellowstone National Park, where ordinary people can’t walk in the open for fear of being trampled to death by arrogant, smelly buffalo who don’t even bother to learn the rules of the road and end up smashing your car for $2,500 in damage that your insurance won’t cover just because you had a few drinks at the lodge.

So this November, while other parties fret about overseas wars and illegal aliens, vote for the candidate who best understands the challenges that face us here in America right now:

Vote Fudd: He'll Get those Wascally Wabbits

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Superdelegates Close to Revolt

Several Democratic Superdelegates are in near-revolt today and have told chairman Howard Dean that they are not happy with the way the convention is shaping up.

“We were expecting a couple of days of partying and goofing off,” said one. “Instead we’ve got all this pressure to choose the next president. And Eliot Spitzer promised to take us on a fact-finding mission in Denver’s red-light district, but now that’s not going to happen.”

Several superdelegates were also concerned about the recent arrest of Tom Athans. “My wife wasn’t going to be coming along to the convention, and I was looking forward to meeting some of Tom’s Big Beaver friends,” said one horny superdelegate. “What am I going to do now?”

Many superdelegates had hoped that they would be serving in a purely ceremonial role and are nervous about finding themselves center stage and charting the future of the Democratic party.

“I have an invitation to go on a tour of national parks at 11 PM from one of the campaigns,” said a Superdelegate. “I don’t know what the hell that is all about, but it doesn’t sound good. If these two are both still campaigning in August, I’m fleeing the country.”

Thus Spake Zarathustra

As it turns out, I have a connection to a powerful political oracle. He’s also my brother, but he’s been positively Delphic in his predictions this campaign season, his most recent triumph being accurately forecasting Clinton’s phoenix-like rise from the ashes of the Texas/Ohio primaries.

So without any hesitation at all I post his thoughts on the future of the Democratic bloodbath:

-Hillary will only leave the race when she’s sure she can’t win, regardless of how many emasculated party elders call on her to go (this means you, Howard Dean)

-Hillary wins big in Pennsylvania

-Of the 10 remaining contests, Clinton wins between 5 and 7 of them; Obama wins no more than 3, and there are between 0 and 3 more-or-less ties

-Superdelgates are sweating in their shorts and being intimidated by both camps. Direct quote: “Who do we think is better at intimidation and bullying? The Audacious Hope or Our Lady of Perpetual Scheming?”

-If it’s close after the primaries, expect Hillary to pull out her trump card: the Florida and Michigan delegations. Again I’ll quote the oracle directly: “Surely she can beat up Howard Dean until he comes up with a "compromise" that seeks to avoid "disenfranchising" voters and just so happens to give her more delegates than Obama. Maybe even just enough to put her over the top.”

He ends with this nugget of wisdom, which quite frankly seems prescient to me:

“That's my current analysis. Everything could change tomorrow, naturally, with another pastor problem for Obama or more delusions of snipers from Hillary. Which is of course the reason Hillary should definitely *not* drop out. If Obama flames out even worse next week and she's dropped out where would the Democrats be?”

Obama is one Dean scream or Monkey Business moment from being dead in the water, and Clinton’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity to capitalize on it by dropping out now. This is actually sterling advice from my brother, who is slightly to the right of Captain America.

Which is why the Democrats will certainly not heed it: it’s too sensible.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

NY Schools to drop Journalism

The New York State Department of Education today announced that it was discontinuing its journalism at all levels, saying that further teaching of this archaic skill would “not being the best interests of our students.”

A spokeswoman for the Department of Education said in a press conference that “Continuing to teach journalism would be like having buggy whip repair courses in the twenties. It’s time to relegate journalism to museums, where it belongs, and concentrate on teaching children the three R’s: responsibility to the environment, respect for other cultures, and raunchy sex videos.”

The New York Times blasted the move in an editorial, calling it “a near-fatal blow to the dream of socialism in the United States.”

Among a poll of students, four out of five admitted that they didn’t read newspapers, although one in four did say that they had purchased a newspaper within the last year. 80% of those purchasing papers also owned pets kept in cages, with the other 20% saying that they were buying the paper for an elderly relative.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said “I wish they’d done away with journalism about ten years ago.”

Morons in the Mist

Recently I joined up in the ever-growing Ace of Spades army of morons (it’s like an army of Davids, only with more swearing). I am proud to be a member of this illustrious organization, which requires that you ask somebody to add you to a list in order to join.

In a nakedly transparent attempt at link-whoring, I’m going to try to study and explain this gaggle of morons, like Jane Goodall with the gorillas. Only I expect to get a little more poo flung at me than she did.

Today I start by examining the reading level of this moron army. On this site, you can find the reading level of your blog. I tapped in the URLs of the 75 AoS morons as of March 30th and found the following statistics:

1) The average reading level is between Junior High and High School.

2) Generalissimo Ace has a Junior High rating. In many countries this would mean he’s ready to seize power in a bloody coup: Junior-High education, lots of moronic followers, and tons of unrequited rage. Here in America, though, he’s forced to stoop to hobo hunting and swilling down Valu-Rite vodka to dull his white-hot rage at disenfranchisement.

3) There are three idiot-savant blogs among us rated as Geniuses, who may or may not need their moron cards now revoked:

Atheistica
ConChrist
D Equals S

Which brings to mind this age-old question: if an atheist and a Christian got in a fight, who would win? Well, if there was pudding and bikinis involved, we all would.

4) We are also joined by 14 Elementary School level blogs. One of those is Steamboat McGoo, which has the delightful habit of linking to porn at the end of each post.

I don’t know what Elementary School the widget is thinking of, but porn wasn’t a staple of my education until well into High School. Except that time in sixth grade when a friend of mine swiped the Sears catalog and we spent all day looking at the bra ads.

Ah, good times.

I forget; what was the point of this post again?

Oh, yeah: I’m a moron.