Friday, June 22, 2007

SCR Increase Baffles Scientists

In a discovery eerily similar to a recent AIDS study, researchers today announced that incidents of Spontaneous Crotch Rot, or SCR, may be linked to the concentration of diseased prostitutes in a given region. The reason for this is not immediately clear, however, because in every case the victim of SCR denied contact with hookers.

“It’s baffling,” said one researcher. “When we sat down with these guys and their wives, we asked ‘Did you go engage in intercourse with hookers who had pus discharging from their nether regions?’ and they all said no. So we don’t really know why SCR has spread so rapidly in some places, while in others, like Amish country, it’s virtually unknown.”

In men, SCR is characterized by weeping sores and blisters on the penis, a burning sensation during urination like a thousand flaming knives stabbing you in the frenum, and a loss of singing voice. Left untreated it can lead to Spontaneous Bobbination, where the penis comes off “in the hand” during normal use. There is no cure, although with medication symptoms can be ameliorated enough to get a blow job from a nearsighted crack whore. The infection can also lead to divorce.

In women, SCR is way too nasty to describe in a family publication, but suffice it to say that if she has it, she knows it, and anybody within 10 feet of her knows it too.

“I blame global warming,” said Hans Unger, Head of the Painful Pee Research Institute. “It’s clear that with the hotter air temperature the disease is able to migrate through the air and affect these otherwise randomly-sampled men who happen to live nearby whores and frequent the waterfront and warehouse districts for no apparent reason.”