MLB announced today the results of the Greek Hero draft, something that Bud Selig said was “one of my proudest innovations since the introduction of $8 beer in Milwaukee.” Aimed at making the game more international, the results are listed below by division.
Boston Red Sox: Oedipus. The self-loathing patricide who beds his mother will find immediate synergy with Boston fans.
New York Yankees: King Midas, who has been named the successor to George Steinbrenner. Only he has the unique golden touch/asses’ ears to be the next Boss.
Baltimore Orioles: Tantalus, who cut his son apart and attempted to feed him to the gods. For some reason Peter Angelos felt a strong affinity for the would-cannibal.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Actaeon, torn apart by his own dogs after he saw Artemis naked. This experience will help him to start immediately for the Rays, whose sole purpose in MLB is also to be torn apart as an example to others.
Toronto Blue Jays: Traded their pick to Oakland for an advance copy of Billy Beane’s new book, “General Managing for Dummies.”
Detroit Tigers: Cassandra, prophetess of doom. Much like Gary Sheffield, nobody listens to her.
Chicago White Sox: Agave, who tore apart her own son Pentheus with her bare hands in a fit of Bacchic passion. Hands up those of you who could see Ozzie Guillen flipping out and doing that sometime this season if the Sox keep losing.
Kansas City Royals: Achilles, but they couldn’t afford his contract so they traded him to the Yankees for a Spartan to be named later.
Minnesota Twins: Eurytion, who was killed by a friend during the Caledonian boar hunt. Kind of like how everybody loves the Twins, but they die in the playoffs every year anyways.
Cleveland Indians: The Minotaur, born of the copulation between Queen Pasiphaë and a divine white bull. A savage monstrosity that is a freak of nature, he will be a more normal and sensitive mascot than Chief Wahoo.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Chiron the centaur, teacher of heroes. The tutor of Hercules, Achilles, and other great heroes can’t help but bring along the young nucleus of the Angels.
Oakland Athletics: Penthesilea and Hippolyta, Amazon warriors. Never afraid to try something new, the A’s are hoping half-naked women at first and third will give their pitchers a fighting chance.
Seattle Mariners: Daedalus, inventor. From flying machines to constructing false cows for use as a “marital aid”, Daedalus has shown the spirit and determination that will make him an invaluable part of the Mariners. Until his salary gets too expensive and they let him go as a free agent.
Texas Rangers: Pelops of the ivory shoulder. This is at least one pitcher that should prove injury-proof.
NY Mets: Theseus, the poor man’s Hercules. His monster-slaying experience should come in handy during the next Subway Series.
Atlanta Braves: Odysseus. It took Odysseus ten years to sail across the Aegean Sea. In 14 postseasons the Braves won the World Series only once. Which one is more successful?
Florida Marlins: Prometheus, who taught man the secret of fire. Management is hoping he can teach the secret of defense to the hapless Marlins.
Philadelphia Phillies: Orpheus, who was beheaded by angry Maenads, although his head continued to sing. Every year the Phillies get torn apart by the NL East, but every off-season people sing their praises. Should be a good fit.
Washington Nationals: Philoctetes, who missed the Trojan war because he had a snake bite that stank so bad no one could stand to be around him. The Nationals figure he’s the only one who could stand their stench of failure.
St. Louis Cardinals: Jason, leader of the Argonauts. Somebody should lead this team, after all.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Laomedon, who had Poseidon and Apollo toil for years building the walls of Troy only to refuse to pay for them. Similarly, the Pirates are in their 15th year of rebuilding, and nobody will pay to see them, either.
Cincinnati Reds: Pete Rose, tragic hero. Selection rejected by Bud Selig.
Houston Astros: Ixion, bound to a wheel of fire for eternity in Hades for his attempted rape of Hera. Even though Houston gets slightly more rain than Hades, Astros fans can sympathize with his plight.
Chicago Cubs: Sisyphus, punished in Hades by eternally rolling a rock uphill that rolls back down on top of him just as he gets to the top. That sounds like the last 99 years of Chicago Cubs baseball, doesn’t it?
Milwaukee Brewers: Hermes. The Messenger of the Gods should add some much-needed zest to the sausage races, particularly since he runs naked.
San Diego Padres: Medusa. Visitors’ club house attendant.
Los Angeles Dodgers: David Hasselhoff. Has he ever failed to succeed in Hollywood, no matter the odds? Isn’t that just like a Greek hero?
Colorado Rockies: Aeolus, king of the winds. If Aeolus can make it blow in when Colorado’s pitching and out when the Rockies bat, then he’ll be worth every penny of his signing bonus.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Perseus, slayer of Medusa. Currently at their AAA affiliate, Perseus will be called up for the next trip to San Diego.
San Francisco Giants: Hercules. Noted for phenomenal strength even in old age, it’s a little-known fact that Hercules killed his first wife and children while in the throes of ‘roid rage.