Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Bush Criticizes Park Plan

President Bush lashed out at National Park officials today from a Rose Garden press conference, calling them bigots and “fundamentally wrong” for relocating non-native species from Rattlesnake Springs in Carlsbad Caverns.

“The strength of the Carlsbad Caverns springs system depends on these so-called interlopers,” Bush said. “They’re eating the algae that the other fish won’t eat and consuming the bugs that the others won’t touch. I’ve called for a special Czar to be appointed to help oversee the naturalization of the non-native fish in place of this un-American relocation that’s being proposed by the Parks Department.”

He also said that attempts to boost lake security to prevent intrusive fish were indicative of the “xenophobia” that was rampant in the department and said officials there would be better off focusing on acclimatizing the non-native fish.

“Focusing on securing the springs is focusing on the wrong problem,” Bush said. “If there’s a food problem, then they should just change the spring ecosystem to accommodate the newcomers. If some of these natural fish don’t like it, they need to be more open and try to get along with the new guys. Spring security can come later, after we’ve made sure the new fish are happy and well-adjusted.”

Bush scoffed at the notion that more alien fish would stress the lake ecosystem. “Those concerns are just anti-fish bigotry, like was documented in that film The Incredible Mr. Limpet. The reality is that these are hard-working, law-abiding fish that just want to get along with everybody else. Are there a few bad apples? Maybe, but it’s racist to judge the rest of the fish that way.”

Asked if the debate about fish had any greater relevance, Bush thought it was a localized issue. “I can’t see that there’s any parallels we can draw anywhere else.”