Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Expedition: Bigfoot

So I read from the AP that Matthew Moneymaker and his group, Bigfoot Field Research Organizers, are on their 31st expedition to find traces of the elusive Gigantopithecus (according to a quoted cryptozoologist, a job which I aspire to have someday), also known as Bigfoot.

I'm going to assume that this isn't some excuse to convince their college-age graduate assistants to go skinny dipping in the woods. Moneymaker says that they're hoping to "meet local people who might have seen Sasquatch" and will be seeking evidence.

Well, it just so happens that last week, while on vacation in the UP of Michigan where they'll be hunting, I picked up several authentic items of Bigfoot's presence, which in the spirit of Moneymaker's fortuitous name I am willing to sell:

  • Actual bigfoot doodie; this can be supplied in as large a quantity as desired but requires 24 hours "preparation time" ($25 /half-pound)

  • Bigfoot hair, either brown (18") or black (1.5 inch) with some graying ($5 /bag)

  • A "John Edwards 2008" campaign button (free; even the Bigfoot didn't want this)

  • Plaster cast of a bigfoot foot print, with a jar of authentic Michigan soil as proof of authenticity ($250, because plaster is expensive)

  • Actual photo of a tree with a Sasquatch hiding behind it (Bigfoot not visible) ($30)

  • Eyewitness testimony from a woman about her affair with her beloved 'Brilliant Beast'($100; sample here)

  • A 'Bigfeet do it bigger' bumper sticker ($50)

  • Bone gnawed on by a Bigfoot (chicken; free with purchase of other item)

  • Sasquatch to Esperanto dictionary, with rare William Shatner spoken word album in Sasquatch ($2500)

  • Proposal by the Third International Sasquatch Congress to lead a carbon-neutral lifestyle by purchasing offsets from the Loch Ness Environmental Recovery Foundation ($2, as valuable as what Al Gore is peddling)

Order now, because supplies are limited! Well, except the Bigfoot doodie; the bumper sticker is pretty accurate in that respect.