CNN Names New Bureau Chief

CNN Headline News today named popular television host Nancy Grace their new Paris Bureau Chief, responding to fast-paced developments in world events. A CNN spokesperson said that “Paris is still the heart of Europe, and we think that it’s time we used Nancy’s talents on something other than complaining about celebrities. She’s too valuable a resource to be wasted on the Hollywood beat.”

Grace was pleased with the assignment. “We’re going to innovate,” Grace added. “In-cell webcams, interviews with the judge, background checks on the sheriff, and all sorts of other things. We’ll cover angles of Paris’ dog groomer’s cousin’s life that you would never even think of. And I know I'll bring the right mix of journalistic skill and personal dignity to this important story.”

After being told that the new assignment was located in Europe, Grace expressed concerns about her readiness for the job. “First of all, I don’t speak European. Secondly, since I don't know anything about this place, nothing important must happen there.”