Movie Reviews

Turning my formidable talents for prognostication without education to work on the movies, I’d like to let you know what’s coming up in the world of the cinema this month:

Reasons to Brush Up on your Reading This Weekend:
Hostel: Part 2 – When not making films about assassins or continuing Leni Riefenstahl’s commitment to integrity with one of their many documentaries, Hollywood luminaries like to discover new ways to cinematically combine depravity and nudity. Surely there’s no problem graphically torturing actresses and aiming the movies at teenage boys, is there?

Ocean’s Thirteen – Two signs of an unwatchable movie: it’s the second sequel to a standalone movie whose first sequel was poor, and it’s got a smarmy cast determined to “out-cool” their predecessors. What this film really needs is a change of pace, like making Danny Ocean an assassin or something.

Surf’s Up – This delightful animated movie about a penguin with happy feet proves that there’s still originality and charm in Hollywood.

La Vie En Rose – Biography of Edith Piaf. I’m not cultured enough to know who she is, but judging from the title she was a florist or something.

Movies Waiting Two Weeks to Astonish You With Vapidity
DOA: Dead or Alive – I can’t top the promo for the movie: “Four women, each with unique fighting styles, are invited to partake in a world fighting tournament on an exotic island.” That’s either the beginning to a video game, a porno, or (more preferably) a unique holographic fusion of the two. Sadly, this is not available in IMAX format so you can see a 45-foot-tall slow motion battle between digitally enhanced bikini babes.

Fantastic Four 2: Starring Jessica Alba’s breasts, a walking turd, and an escapee from a trophy shop. I never did quite understand why Galactus needed a herald. Is it really so important to let people know you’re coming to eat the planet?

Nancy Drew: “What if we remade Mean Girls, only this time the main character was not just some average girl, but super-sleuth Nancy Drew?”

Fido: The story of a town full of subservient zombies, with them doing everything from delivering mail to working at the local dairy queen. Kind of like how New Yorkers view the Midwest.