New York Mayor and Giuliani coat-hanger Michael Bloomberg, having recently declared himself independent, successfully pushed through his long-desired “Toilet Paper Ordinance” this morning.
The ordinance declares that “all paper which is or might be used as rectal cleaning material must comply with the City of New York’s standards, which includes softness, durability, hygiene, and price.”
Among the standards which are now applicable for all toilet paper sold inside of New York are:
-Paper must be at least 3-play, which will not separate unless a force greater than 0.5 Newtons/square centimeter are applied at an angle of 40° or less
-Colorant must be provided from plant or organic sources and may not be inks or dyes which can leave harmful residues
-The roll holder must be scented to smell like lilacs
-Two sheets of paper must be sufficiently soft to prevent a crack from forming in an egg dropped from six centimeters above onto a hard surface (hard being a surface which scores over 100 on the Brinell Hardness Scale)
-Bulk cost must be less than 0.01 cents per sheet
-Rolls must be sold in packages of 6, with each roll individually wrapped, with all packaging biodegradable
-Each supplier must prove that their material passes the “wipe test” [for wipe test see document NYC165852.256 – “Uniform Standards of Preschool Cleanliness”]
-Packaging must not include cartoon animals, stuffed bears, babies, attractive women, or men of rugged outdoor looks with porn star mustaches
“When I’m elected president next year, I hope to nationalize this and lots of other intrusive ideas that I have about the way you should be living your life,” said Bloomberg in a press conference. “I know better than you what you should be doing, and I plan on making laws to reflect that.”
When asked if any toilet paper existed which met the specifications, Bloomberg hand no comment.