Pizza Hut Changes Policy Following Shooting

Pizza Hut today announced that it was changing its corporate policy regarding carrying weapons after a deliveryman shot a robber in Des Moines last week. Pizza Hut said that the rules changes were necessary “to protect the health and well-being of footpads and thugs everywhere.”

“We already had a no-guns policy, but it apparently hasn’t been enough to deter some drivers from trying to protect themselves. We never want to have this kind of situation occur again,” said a company spokesman. “Lowlife creeps should be sure that they can rob and harass our drivers with no fear of retribution.”

In addition to uniforms, the new company policy requires that all drivers have the following items on them while making deliveries:

Thermal bag to keep pizza warm.

See-through plastic bag to keep money in







Set of dog tags for identification of bullet-riddled bodies.







Piece of chalk as part of Pizza Hut’s continuing commitment to building stronger bonds with local law enforcement, who often forget their own chalk and have to outline the body in tape.




Remember: At Pizza Hut, we want our employees to be in the picture!

ESPN isn’t biased...

It’s just that the teams in the west suck really bad. At least, that’s the impression I’m left with after reading their predictions for the upcoming baseball season.

First of all, a small historical note: in the last 8 years, every division has won the World Series at least once.

Re-read that again: every division, even the woeful AL West (Anaheim Angels, 2002), has won the World Series at least once since 2000.

That’s parity the NFL can only envy since 2000, where the AFC North and East have combined to win 5 of the last 9 superbowls , and two divisions haven’t won since the late 90’s.

ESPN’s got a lot of confidence that the Central and East divisions are where it’s at this year in baseball, with 89% of the experts picking the World Series winner to come from one of those divisions.

Even more glaring is the section on individual awards: 53% of the MVP/Cy Young/Rookie of the Year voting goes to players from the East, 49% goes to players from the Central, and a scant 8% from players in the West.

But I guess that explains why so few experts predict the World Series winner to come from the West: those guys are seriously amateur out there.

Democrats argue over best failure method

So the Democrats are considering the following methods of killing their chances in the general election:

Seppuku: Obama/Anybody, where Obama has to pit his thin resume and commitment to “a different kind of politics” against a guy who was two decades in government and a reputation for telling people what they don’t want to hear. With added bonus of angry Clintonian maneuvering behind the scenes to make people pay for turning on her.

But at least they’ll save face going this route.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation: Clinton/Obama. Sure, this seems like a good idea at the time, but do they really want all of Clinton’s scandals biting them in the ass while McCain’s partisans are hammering them that Obama’s just an empty suit and also implying that the Democrats are demeaning blacks by denying him the top spot?

I’m guessing they don’t.

Darwin-Award Winning Stupidity: Clinton/Anybody. This has all the problems of Clinton/Obama, with none of the advantages, and makes it totally unnecessary for McCain’s partisans to point out to blacks that they’ve been screwed by the party they’ve loyally supported for about 40 years.

But at least it makes an interesting failure test case for generations of political science students to study.

Immolation: Gore/Anybody, where the only thing that Gore brings to the ticket is a Powerpoint that McCain nods along to. Oh, and massive hypocrisy and the stink of failure. Don’t forget those, which are of dubious value in a general election.

If this is the option I foresee glass sales spiking in the greater Denver metro area to replace all the smashed windows following the announcement.

Jimmy Carter to Monitor Democratic Convention

Former US President Jimmy Carter announced today that The Carter Center will monitor the upcoming US Democratic Convention in Denver to ensure that it “conforms to all international standards of transparency and fairness.”

Cater said in a statement that “In addition to increasingly racist and misogynistic statements coming from the two candidates, it’s clear that there’s a pattern of intimidation and false accusation against the actual voters in the election, the so-called Superdelegates. An outside party, probably the Republicans led by sinister warlord John McCain, is seeking to unduly influence selection of the Democratic candidate for president.”

Particularly disturbing for Carter is the recent indictment of several Philadelphia and Puerto Rican superdelegates on what Carter says are “vastly conflated charges of wrongdoing.”

Carter said the move was particularly necessary in light of a rash of bribery and sex scandals against other superdelegates. “After the catastrophic elections in 2000 and 2004, America cannot afford to have another president chosen by smoky back-room deals,” Carter said. “Whoever gets the Democratic nomination will likely win the presidency, because George Bush has driven the country to ruin at the behest of his Israeli masters.”

Carter added that “as a single-term president, I am available to fill a second term as a sort of unity candidate able to promote peace and healing, and my credentials do include a Nobel Peace Prize and several other humanitarian awards.”

NFL 2013 Draft

It’s the time of year when everybody and their grandma issues mock drafts. Well, except Barack Obama’s grandma, who is more likely issuing restraining orders or angry letters.

Anyway, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to give you the ultimate insider’s view of the NFL draft: the 2013 draft. Not only am I plugged in to high-school football, I have advanced computer models. And if a computer said it, it must be true.

The 2012 record is in parenthesis.

Miami (1-15): Tadd Hapscott, QB, Notre Dame. Having seen the poise, presence, and gravity-defying way that Brady Quinn carried the clipboard in Cleveland the past six seasons, Miami is desperate to finally resolve their QB crises that has persisted since the departure of Dan Marino.

Oakland (1-14-1): Mino Taur, RB, LSU. The 5’8” 1052-lb Taur will give the Raiders a desperately-needed RB, since they had had an NFL-record 44 tries from 2 yards or less that they failed to convert. However, Taur has been plagued by rumors that he is actually a small bull in a helmet, and the NFL announced he must pass a “Species Test” before they will certify him to play.

Detroit (2-14): Cud Foley, WR, Nebraska. Even though Nebraska has used the T-Wing since 2011, latter-day Rasputin Matt Millen is sure that Foley is the missing link in his fifteen-year, WR-based rebuilding plan.

Arizona (3-13): Ricky Williams, Guru, Calcutta State (India). Since Williams never really had any impact in the pros, his eligibility has been reset after becoming a certified Guru from Calcutta State. The Cardinals are hoping he can exorcise their demons and help them finally reach 5 wins this decade.

New England (acquired via trade from San Francisco for Scott Pioli’s DNA and a bag of marbles): John Q. Smith, position unknown, Nondescript State University. Though concerns persist that Bill Bellicheck’s withdrawal to an isolated hotel room in Las Vegas will hurt team focus, it is sure that New England will once again take a player nobody ever heard of and make him a star.

Cincinnati (4-12): The entire graduating class of Harvard Law. Having forfeited six games in 2012 because too many players were suspended to field a team, Cincinnati is hoping that this will get their players out of court and onto the field. Salary cap room may be a concern, however.

Washington (5-11): NMSU observatory refractory mirror, NMSU. Daniel Snyder saw the mirror while on a tour and said that “he’s the most handsome guy coming out of the draft this year.”

Cleveland (5-11): Carlos Vincenzo, WR, UCLA. Despite seven consecutive pro bowl appearances, fans are still calling for Derek Anderson to be replaced by Brady Quinn at QB. Vincenzo will be a valuable deep threat for Anderson, which was sorely lacking in last year’s WR corps.

Baltimore (6-10): Pheekus “Slim” Whitman, QB, Arkansas. Despite going 2-9 last year, everyone says that Whitman is a can’t-miss prospect, so Baltimore will snap him up here to avoid having to pay less for him when he will surely be available later in the draft.

NY Jets (6-10): Jack Bauer, agent, FBI. Convinced that their stadium is rigged with electronic monitoring devices by the hated Patriots, whom they have not beaten for four seasons, the Jets are hoping Bauer can find the devices within 24 hours and save the world, their season, and some woman with heaving bosoms.

Chicago (7-9): Craig Spurrier, QB, USC. In addition to getting a polished QB, the Bears are hoping to lure his famous father out of retirement to be their head coach as well.

Los Angeles Starzz (7-9 as Buffalo Bills in 2012): Paris Spears, K, Hollywood Hills Community College. In their inaugural season the Starzz are determined to change the way the NFL does business, from their all-transvestite offensive line to their powder blue uniforms. Their draft strategy is also daring, as they will take Paris Spears, the hideous creature that was created during an accident on the Fox reality show “Britney and Paris go to Chernobyl!”

St. Louis (7-9): Doyle Grange, RB, Georgia. Grange is part of the makeover of the Rams’ offense from pass-centric to a more balanced attack (5% run, 95% passing).

Jacksonville (8-8): Avery McAverage, Utility Infielder, State U. This move helps cement Jacksonville’s status as your average NFL team. Word is that, in violation of the tampering rules, they’ve already given him an average salary offer.

Kansas City (8-8): Phillip “Hooligan” Reid, DE, Miami. Part of Herm Edwards’ continued “character development” program. Reid has been plagued in the past by drug arrests, murder indictments, assault, and charges of illegal transportation of a mallard, but he has gone at least three months without a new arrest while being in held in solitary confinement at the U. Miami coach Ralph Thuggerson said that Reid is misunderstood and is actually “very sensitive.”

Orlando Mice (8-8): J.K. Rowling, Author, North Anglican Scrivener’s University. In their second season since relocating from Tampa Bay, the Mice will draft prolific author and rightsholder J.K. Rowling, hoping to bastardize her literary work for cheap Disney cartoons for years to come.

Carolina (8-8): Russ Minuoue, DT, Hawaii. The 6’ 10”, 642-lb defensive lineman will add some heft to the league’s smallest line, which weighed in at a petite 580 lbs last season.

Pittsburgh (8-8): Rock Cartrwright, QB, Boston College. Chin of granite, arms of iron, heart of stone, and ACL of spaghetti, Cartrwright is a major risk after missing all four years in college due to injury.

Tennessee (9-7): Dr. Mike Cody, CEO, Lenscrafters. Cody has publicly stated that he hopes to help out the “obvious visual problems in Tennessee for fans that still insist the Music City Miracle was a lateral.”

Atlanta (9-7): Mike Vick, QB, US Federal Prison System. Vick played well for the Falcons in his first return before being arrested for running an illegal goldfish-eating operation behind his house on Aerator Road. They just hope he doesn’t get arrested in January again, like he did in 2012, costing them a Superbowl.

Minnesota (9-7): Cy Sperling, not just president of Hair Club for Men, but also a client. With fans ripping their hair out season after wasted season, this seems like a natural fit.

Denver (9-6-1): Kris Ragarm, QB, Limpwrist University. Having finally regained form last season after suffering five years of futility since discovering that coach Mike Shanahan was actually a terminator from the future sent to destroy Jake Plummer, fans have to wonder if this is the right move following the “Jay Cutler” disaster of 2008.

Philadelphia (10-6): Ben Richards, Pilot, USMC. The Eagles are hoping that Richards can help clean up the mean streets of Philadelphia, or if not, at least be relied upon to utter pithy one-liners as the team collapses in on itself during is biannual “blame the other guy” stretch.

Houston (10-6): Katie Holmes, beard, Hollywood. Sadly, she may well be the manliest player on the team.

Seattle (11-5): “Pudge” Kirsky, WR, West Virginia. Year after year, Seattle loses in the playoffs despite being head-and-shoulders better than their opponents in the NFC West, which sucks. So a Big East alum should fit right in here.

New York Scandlers (11-5): Marty McFly, LT, Colgate. Since Eli Manning retired in disgrace after the sex tape between him, rap star Lil’ Ho, and Shia LeBoeuf was released, the Scandlers have been like a rudderless ship. McFly can change all that with his movie-star good looks.

San Diego Chargers (12-4): Melvin Powers, WR, Texas A&M. If the Chargers once again lose in the first round of the playoffs, it’s possible that head coach Norv Turner’s job might be in jeopardy.

Dallas Egomaniacs (12-4): Suge Knight, Mogul, Death Row Records. Ghoulish caricature Jerry Jones continues to collect castoffs and low-character players, but the results speak for themselves: two Super Bowl appearances, fifteen arrests, and the only locker room in the NFL with a stripper’s pole

New England (13-3): Photoshopped pictures of Peyton Manning with a goat, TMZ.com. Bellicheck will have to satisfy himself by chortling over fake photos of his nemesis while wallowing in his own filth on the thirty-third floor of the MGM Grand.

Indianapolis (13-3): Kyle Brody, OT, Delaware. The Colts would really love to draft highly-touted WR Barry Gordon, but his agent, Scott Boras, is asking for the GNP of Peru in order to sign “the fastest man alive.”

New Orleans (14-2): Hans Blix, dissembler, UN. Having reached the Superbowl via their powerful defense, the Saints will likely go winless this year since they can’t have two consecutive decent seasons. They’re hoping Blix can explain to fans why that is, exactly.

Green Bay (15-1): Britt Forve, QB, Missippi Mudhole U. Even though they won the Superbowl, the Packers can’t escape the long shadow of their iconic QB from the end of the 20th century. While Forve doesn’t look the part, he did throw an NCAA-record 162 interceptions, half of them game-ending, so Cheesehead faithful have something to hope for. Also promising: Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King had to be treated for the vapors after he met Forve, and said the senior “sent feelings through me I thought were long dead.”

Dems Sponser New DREAM Act

A group calling itself DREAM, the Democrats to Reclaim Everything America Misses, has launched an online petition seeking to draft “the perfect lineup of politicians to reclaim America’s political honor, redress old grievances, and begin to heal this country’s fractured soul.” Launched Sunday, the petition already has two million signatures from all over the country.

The DREAM ticket not only specifies the President and Vice President roles, but also spells out the cabinet that “truly reflects America and its values.”

Thomas Gordon, creator of the DREAM Petition, wrote on his website that “Americans shouldn’t have to choose between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, they should be able to have both of these deep-thinking political heavyweights governing them. The DREAM cabinet is a way to have America ruled by a group of elite philosopher-kings who will lead us into a better tomorrow.”

The Democratic DREAM Team is:

Presidential Nominee: Al Gore
“We should have had Gore as president the past 8 years, except the Supreme Court stole the office from him in 2000. Can we, as a country, afford not to right this wrong? Al Gore is the Renaissance politician that only comes along once in a century: businessman, moviemaker, soldier, and environmental activist all rolled into one. It’s long past time to recognize his greatness with the highest office in the land.”

Vice Presidential Nominee: John Kerry
“In a year where cynical Republicans run John McCain, whose only qualification to be president is having been a POW, we can easily nullify whatever perceived advantage that gives them by bringing out our own war hero, John Kerry. And Kerry’s legendary energy on the stump will only highlight his and Gore’s difference from the plodding, aged GOP ticket of statism.”

Secretary of State: Barack Obama
“It is imperative that the United States nominate an independently-minded minority in this critical post, who acts as our spokesman to the world. It is well past time to restore international respect for the US, and Obama is the only one who can do it. It will be the highest office ever held by a man of his unique background, and a necessary grooming step before his eventual election to the presidency in 2012 or 2016.”

Secretary of the Treasury: Hillary Clinton
“This critical role manages the day-to-day, nuts-and-bolts financing and governing of the United States. This has always been Clinton’s passion, even during her days as First Lady when she convened the panel to reform health care. Clinton is a clear-eyed pragmatist who will graciously accept this role as one where she can do the most good, and her indefatigable support for the top ticket will prove crucial to the margin of victory in November.”

Attorney General: John Edwards
“The finest practicing attorney in politics today is the only one who can reform the deep wounds in America’s legal system.”

Secretary of the Interior: Ralph Nader
“In other countries, the Green Party is recognized as the expert on all matters touching environmental law and policy. Shouldn’t it be that way in our own as well? Nader’s long track record as a defender of public safety makes him the only one able to move this part of our government from serving business to protecting our natural heritage for generations to come.”

Secretary of Defense: Cindy Sheehan
“It’s time to end the disgraceful parade of defense secretaries with nothing to lose. In addition to being a historic first, Ms. Sheehan would bring the unique perspective of a grieving parent to this critical role, which too often focuses on dollars and cents at the expense of the blood of our children. An outspoken critic of the Iraq war, she would quickly gain the acceptance and trust of our armed forces and the international community as she moved to end the greatest debacle since Vietnam.”

National Security Advisor: Jim McDermott
“From his earliest days working in Iraq to verify whether or not we were at risk, McDermott has shown that the security of America is his top concern. This is his reward.”

Secretary of Immigration (new position): John McCain
“It’s impossible to be wrong about everything, and McCain is definitely right on immigration. That’s why as head of Immigration, McCain can once again take up the gauntlet of getting real immigration reform passed and healing the wounds of the Hispanic community left over from the 2006 fight. Remember that the DREAM team is about healing America, not about party politics as usual.”

Head of the Department of Homeland Security: John D. Rockefeller
“With his extensive contacts among world leaders, particularly those in the Middle East, Rockefeller can immediately reach those who would do America harm.”

Director of the Office of Management and Budget: Jack Murtha
“Who knows more about the flow of money in the US than Representative Murtha? During his time in Congress, Murtha has enabled more projects to bring value to his constituents than any other Democrat.”

Ambassador to the United Nations: Bill Clinton
“Having added to his considerable international appeal abroad with numerous humanitarian missions since leaving the office of the president, Clinton is the natural choice to be our face in this vital international decision-making body.”

White House Chief of Staff: Howard Dean
“Can we afford to leave a master politician and political agent like Howard Dean out of the cabinet? We cannot. Here his skills will be best utilized to help conduct Democratic efforts like a smooth symphony, just as he has skillfully guided the party through this primary crisis the past twelve months.”

Press Secretary: Markos Moulitsas
“Is there a man alive today who understands better how to effectively reach the next generation of progressive voters than Markos Moulitsas? With a proven track record to helping reach the disenfranchised and dispossessed, he will be a valuable ally in advancing the White House’s agenda.”

What the hell?

Demi Moore lets leeches suck her blood to detoxify it. But enough about Ahston Kutcher…

Actually, that’s the least insane thing that she admits to in her beauty regimen. First, she bathes herself in turpentine.

You know what turpentine is? It’s an organic solvent that can cause damage to your lungs if inhaled, as well as harming your central nervous system. Read all about the hazards here. It’s also flammable and causes renal failure if you ingest it.

But don’t worry, Demi. It’s probably diluted. By an Austrian alternative medicine guru who wants to stick leeches on you.

Does this remind anybody else of George’s cure for tonsillitis?

I'm an eggplant!

Baseball Movie Index

Finally, baseball season has started. And thankfully without that butt-piercing, steroid-swilling, bat-throwing, foul-mouthed moron poisoning our national pasttime. Oh, wait, Clemens is still pitching for the Yankees. Never mind!

Tell me again why nobody’ll hire Barry Bonds?

Anyway, for all you baseball fans out there, here’s a movie index to tell you what kind of season you can expect from your favorite team.

AL East: Mammoth Pictures – big-budget blockbusters and proud of it
Yankees: Titanic. The most expensive team of their time, masterminded by an egomaniac, and still doomed to hit an iceberg and sink short of their goal. Consider yourselves blessed to live to bear witness to the spectacle.
Blue Jays: La Vie en Rose. Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Nor do I know why Toronto still has a baseball team, unless it’s so MLB can get cheaper meds for their players. That, I could understand.
Red Sox: The Godfather Trilogy. In their quest to overcome the hated Yankees, they’ve turned into them. And the third Godfather movie sucked, just like the third time the Red Sox win the World Series will suck mightily as well. I hope they win 172 games in a row then choke away the World Series.
Orioles: A Beautiful Mind. Not only was John Nash way more sane than Peter Angelos, but I hear Russell Crowe swings a mean bat, too. Or at least a mean telephone.
Rays: Friday the 13th Part 10: Jason Goes to Boy Scout Camp. Just as pointless as the previous seasons, but without the thrill of being new.

AL Central: Miracle Studios. If it’s a hit, it’s a Miracle!
White Sox: 10,000 BC. Which coincidentally is the era when Ozzie Guillen formed his opinions about women, gays, and the right way to play the game.
Indians: Birth of a Nation. Come on, Cleveland, there’s a plot in the mascot graveyard next to Chief Knockahoma for Chief Wahoo. All you gotta do is throw him in.
Twins: Quiz Show. Because at least when a crooked game show fools you, you don’t get levied for a giant new tax to aggrandize a tight-fisted billionaire who sells off your best players.
Royals: Halloween 9: Michael Myers Retires. Because no matter how many fading stars and new young talent you collect, some projects are doomed to failure before they even begin.
Tigers: Thank You for Smoking. Jim Leyland: guaranteeing profits for Altria in the greater Detroit area since 2006.

AL West: Indy Movies: Doing it our way even when it fails.
Angels: Shakespeare in Love. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But a team that claims to be in two cities at once is not so sweet. I believe the residents of this region know which city the team stadium is in. Do the players?
Mariners: No Country for Old Men. The award-winning film beloved by critics that nobody sees and few fans feel passionately about.
Athletics: Sliding Doors. Is anybody besides me starting to think that the whole Moneyball thing is way oversold, Billy Beane isn’t a genius, and the A’s don’t know something about winning the World Series? Or is that a minority opinion? It sure seems like pure random chance might explain their (now long-past) successes.
Rangers: My Left Foot. Let’s just say Rangers pitchers can really empathize with a guy who doesn’t have the use of his arms. Unfortunately, so can Rangers defenders, who are used to watching the ball sail overhead.

NL East: Corporate Pictures, a division of Starched Shirt International
Braves: Raging Bull. I tell you, they could’ve been a contender. But they weren’t.
Mets: Star Wars Episodes I-III. Big budget? Check. Top stars? Check. Great expectations? Check. Inexplicable collapse when it matters? Check. Hated by fans more than Jar-Jar? You better believe that’s a check.
Phillies: Cloverfield. But are the Phillies the monster or the plucky hipsters trying to escape New York without being killed? Trick question! Of course they’re the Statue of Liberty.
Marlins: 300. How can a team that knows it’ll be cut to pieces at season’s end win the World Series over and over again? No, really, this fascinates me. They know they’ll be chopped up like a neighbor at Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party, but they still beat teams with twice the payroll. How do they do it?
Nationals: Child’s Play 12: Bride of Chucky Returns for Vengeance. You know why congress is so up-in-arms about baseball steroids? Because they’ve been going to Nationals games and haven’t seen any evidence of them from the home team.

NL Central: Blue Collar Films: Beer, Babes, and Brawls
Cardinals: All the Right Moves. When I was nine our hippie neighbors took my older brother, me, and their three children to this movie. Afterwards we accidentally left the 7-year-old behind at the theater because we were all in a daze after seeing Lea Thompson’s tits. She was the first naked woman I had ever seen, and I knew from that moment on that I was firmly heterosexual despite Tom Cruise’s best efforts waving his little dingle at me. What does this have to do with the Cardinals? Nothing; I just wanted an excuse to tell that anecdote.
Brewers: 2 Fast 2 Furious 2. They still play baseball in Milwaukee? Get out! I thought they just had sausage races and cheep beer.
Reds: In the Valley of Elah. Just like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie, the Reds are essentially unwatchable. And also like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie gets an Oscar nod, they are guaranteed an all-star. Nobody said life was fair.
Cubs: Basic Instinct. If any team is preparing to stab their beloved fans to death with an ice pick, it’s this one.
Astros: Dumb and Dumberer. I know it saves a syllable when sportscasters say stros instead of ass-troes. But it makes them sound like ass-hoes when they do it. And not ho in the “Elliot Spitzer jonesing for one in detox” way, but in the “I hope you fall in one and never climb back out way” way.
Pirates: Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in Space. To get people to buy Pirates tickets, you can’t just kiss the Blarney stone; you have to take a Blarney enema.

NL West: Arthouse Crap: because you only watch to score with goth chicks
Rockies: Lady in the Water. You know how every M. Knight Shamalyan film has the stupid twist ending that makes you want to hunt him down and give him a wedgie until he refunds your money for wasting your time? I’m sure Rockies fans felt that way after the World Series.
Diamondbacks: The Mummy. The ancient curse once again rears his ugly head and takes aim at all that is dear to you. Yes, Randy Johnson was aiming at your crotch.
Giants: Waiting for Godot. Baseball season is interminably long, they’ll spend the whole time talking about somebody who isn’t there, and attendees will feel ripped off when it’s all over.
Dodgers: The Shootist. You think that the old man is finished? You wouldn’t be the first person to make that mistake.
Padres: Man without a Face. Not only are they a faceless team, they’re way down here at the end of the list and I’m tired. So this is what they get. What, you expected a big finish?

[Update: I fixed the title of 21 to Quiz Show, because I'm an idiot and misremembered the name and didn't double-check it. I didn't bother to come up with anything better for the Padres, though, since nobody reads this far into my mammoth posts anyways.]

New NY Lt. Governor is Cannibal

New York’s incoming Lieutenant Governor today pre-emptively revealed that while he was Alderman of New York’s eighteenth ward he stalked hobos and ate their flesh, but that he did not do so on government time and never used government funds for his activities.

“I think that everybody has things in their past they’re sorry about,” he told a room of terrified reporters on Monday. “And I would like to say that I’m really, really sorry about that, and if I had it to do over again, I would definitely not stalk the mean streets of New York hunting the world’s most dangerous prey.”

When asked by reporters why he chose to reveal this previously-hidden detail of his life, the Lt. Governor said that “since Governor Paterson seems determined to set a speed record for getting thrown out of office, I figured I needed to let everybody know what was waiting for them if they run him off. It helps people to make informed decisions.”

Asked about allegations of necrophilia, the Lt. Governor said that “I’m not here to talk about the past, I want to move forward with good governance for New York. Anybody wanna go to dinner?”

Democratic Candidates Heat Up Rhetoric

The two remaining Democratic candidates continued to heat up their rhetoric against one another today in their ongoing bid to convince voters that each is the more qualified of the two to assume the mantle of the presidency.

Hillary began the back-and-forth at a campaign stop in Redding, Pennsylvania where she told a group of voters that “I know what it’s like to come under fire, first metaphorically as a woman trying to succeed in the testosterone-charged world of corporate law, and then literally on my many diplomatic missions with Sinbad the Sailor, where we had to dodge flak and sniper bullets every morning just to get to the breakfast buffet.”

Obama, who was stumping in Honolulu, Hawaii, retorted that “I have a proven track record of accomplishment in the Senate which, if broadcast over several years, would put me right in line with such Democratic stalwarts as Ted Kennedy or Jack Murtha. I am the premier lawmaker in the Democratic caucus.”

Later in the day it was Clinton’s turn again, this time before an audience at the VFW rally in Scranton. “I have personally fought for freedom, not just by seeking out corrupt financers and making land deals with them, but by carrying a gun in a war zone to protect American families at 3 AM against the raging hordes of darkness.”

After he was woken from a doze, Obama said from a hammock on Waikiki Beach that “She wants to talk about war, while I want to talk about hope and change and how I healed the nation’s racial divides and personally put an end to the LA Watts Riots. I’m not just head of the Hoping for Better Change Alliance, I’m also a client.”

At a late-evening Campaign appearance at the Pittsburgh “Workers of the World Unite” convention, Clinton said that “I personally fought hard against NAFTA, because I believe we must tax the rich to implement Canadian-style health care reforms, not allow our factories to close so that effete Canadian men can bolster their waning libidos with cheap Viagra. I know my opponent believes in dealing crack on streetcorners to youngsters, but I am against that.”

Obama, speaking to reporters in after a grueling 45-minute Jetski rental and on his way to a snorkeling class, told reporters that “Not only am I the greatest legislator since Thomas Jefferson and the greatest orator since Dr. King, I have invented a perpetual motion machine that makes ugly people more attractive and eliminates funky odors from NASCAR-loving rednecks. Top that, Clinton!”

Clinton, guarding a Philadelphia-area nursery school at 3 AM, responded that “I have been such an important influence in so many lives that Sir Edmund Hilleary changed his name to ‘Hillary’ in my honor and a professional wrestler, Rowdy Rodham Piper, took my maiden name as his moniker to salute my achievements.”

Pecos Bill could not be reached for comment, but Al Gore did mention that he won a Nobel Prize and invented the Internet and would like to be considered by the Superdelegates as a potential alternative.