“Hello, I’m ________ from Major League Baseball, and I’d like to ask you a few questions about your neighbor, __________. It’s just a simple background check, and I want you to be sure that anything you tell us will be strictly confidential. We’re just doing this as part of our routine surveillance on the umpires to make sure they’re not at risk for any behaviors that might imperil the integrity of the game.
First of all, does he have any outstanding gambling debts?
(If Yes) Which members of his family did he use as collateral?
(If No) Why not? Is he some kind of religious nut?
(If Unsure) Are you covering for him because you owe him money?
Do you know if he owns any firearms of any sort?
(If Yes) Last Halloween, did you witness him firing at trick-or-treaters?
(If No) Are you at all concerned that he has a pipe bomb factory in his basement?
(If Unsure) You’re saying you don’t know if his guns are legal or not?
Did you know whether or not he’s been producing homemade pornography and distributing it via the internet?
(If Yes) What size bat does he swing, if you get my drift?
(If No) Would you expect him to make high-quality or low-quality pornography?
(If Unsure) So you can’t be certain he’s not taking video of you on the toilet and posting it on pottyhotty.com?
Can you tell us of any group affiliations he might have in the community?
(If Yes) This is some kind of racist group bent on world domination?
(If No) So you think he’s only a member of secretive, subversive organizations with bizarre entry rituals, like the Stonecutters?
(If Unsure) Think hard about places you may have seen him on the local news: KKK marches, Communist Party rallies, gay pride parades, that sort of thing.
Have you personally witnessed unsavory characters coming and going from his house at all hours of the night?
(If Yes) What’ll you give me to not tell Johnny Onethumb you called him unsavory?
(If No) So you think hookers and lowlife junkies are fine neighbors?
(If Unsure) So they come in the middle of the day also?
In your opinion, do he and his family live within their means?
(If Yes) Why are you covering for him? He told us this was a crackhouse.
(If No) You realize that not everybody likes to live in squalor like you do?
(If Unsure) So you don’t go through his mail often enough to find out?
Have you witnessed anything that might compromise his objectivity as an MLB umpire?
(If Yes) Please speak distinctly into this tape recorder.
(If No or Unsure) Let me go through the questions again, and this time you concentrate…
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Why I get discouraged
It’s no secret: I (try to) write satire to amuse and delight both my readers. But the stark truth that I’m just not good enough came crashing home to me this past week.
The uber-satire comes courtesy of NOW’s NY chapter. I thought they were some kind of women’s-rights group, but it turns out that their acronym stands for Nutless Onion Writers or something. Here’s their money quote:
The uber-satire comes courtesy of NOW’s NY chapter. I thought they were some kind of women’s-rights group, but it turns out that their acronym stands for Nutless Onion Writers or something. Here’s their money quote:
In short, gang raping of women is commonplace in our culture both physically and metaphorically.Sigh. With satirists like that out there, what hope do I ever have of cracking the 30-hits-a-day ceiling? It’s just not possible, I tell you!
This past week, we witnessed just such a phenomenon involving men who are afraid of a powerful woman. Hillary Clinton, in her quest for her Presidential nomination, has in fact endured infantile taunting and wildly inappropriate commentary… [ed: catalogue of ills removed for sake of length]
Think about the legacy we’ll leave behind when we support Hillary Clinton for President of the United States. Let’s put a stop to the psychological “gang banging” of women and girls. Let’s stand up and be counted by way of the hard-won votes we can now cast!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Giuliani and Thompson to Form Third Party
Former national frontrunners and Republican presidential nominees Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson today announced that they will start a third party and attempt to directly gain the presidency. Their party, called the Sloth Party, is “dedicated to those lazy souls everywhere who say they want to do something, but end up doing nothing and allowing opportunity to pass them by.”
Rudy said that their bold strategy would be to “target the couch potato, the person with a gym membership who never goes, the procrastinators, the unregistered, and the generally lethargic.”
Early polls indicated that the two were preferred by a 2-to-1 margin among unregistered voters over their likely opponents, Hillary Clinton and John McCain. Among Democrats the Sloth Party gained 50% of the vote, with 45% for Hillary Clinton, and 5% voting “Bush is the devil.”
Among Republicans, the survey was much closer, with 30% voting for the Sloth Party, 28% for McCan, 20% for “Undecided”, and 21% voting “John McCain is a scum-sucking bastard who can go to hell.” 1% also said that Mitt Romney was “the finest businessman, politician, and human being I have ever met” but was ascribed to mistakenly contacting Hugh Hewitt.
Giuliani said that he had a dramatic four-state campaign visit already planned, hoping to appear at rallies in New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey in May and June. After that grueling schedule, Giuliani said he plans to ride out the rest of the election at his campaign HQ.
“Everybody will know that we’re in it, and I’m certain that word-of-mouth will get across the country and keep us in the race. Plus, after those four states’ results have come in during the national election, the rest of the country is sure to mimic their votes.”
Fred Thompson was unavailable for comment because he was resting up for a shuffleboard tournament later this year, but a spokesman said that “this time his heart is really in it.”
Rudy said that their bold strategy would be to “target the couch potato, the person with a gym membership who never goes, the procrastinators, the unregistered, and the generally lethargic.”
Early polls indicated that the two were preferred by a 2-to-1 margin among unregistered voters over their likely opponents, Hillary Clinton and John McCain. Among Democrats the Sloth Party gained 50% of the vote, with 45% for Hillary Clinton, and 5% voting “Bush is the devil.”
Among Republicans, the survey was much closer, with 30% voting for the Sloth Party, 28% for McCan, 20% for “Undecided”, and 21% voting “John McCain is a scum-sucking bastard who can go to hell.” 1% also said that Mitt Romney was “the finest businessman, politician, and human being I have ever met” but was ascribed to mistakenly contacting Hugh Hewitt.
Giuliani said that he had a dramatic four-state campaign visit already planned, hoping to appear at rallies in New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey in May and June. After that grueling schedule, Giuliani said he plans to ride out the rest of the election at his campaign HQ.
“Everybody will know that we’re in it, and I’m certain that word-of-mouth will get across the country and keep us in the race. Plus, after those four states’ results have come in during the national election, the rest of the country is sure to mimic their votes.”
Fred Thompson was unavailable for comment because he was resting up for a shuffleboard tournament later this year, but a spokesman said that “this time his heart is really in it.”
The First Clinton Pledge
Perhaps if the people of New Hampshire could have seen the Clintons’ wedding vows before they voted, they would have been a little less sanguine about believing a pledge that gets peddled by a Clinton. It would have at least prepared them for the inevitable feelings of betrayal.
The Clinton Wedding Vows
OFFICIANT: Hillary Rodham, repeat after me. I, Hillary Rodham, take you, Bill Clinton, to be my lawfully wedded husband.
HILLARY: I, the scourge of the wicked Wall Street fatcats named Hillary Rodham, take you, the tragically flawed yet inexplicably charismatic Bill Clinton, to be my lawfully wedded husband and ticket to political offices that I could never dream of achieving on my own scant merits.
OFFICIANT: To have and to hold, from this day forward,
HILLARY: To hold my hand on the stump, from this day forward,
OFFICIANT: For better, for worse, for richer, or for poorer,
HILLARY: For fixed elections or fair, for broken campaign promises or not, regardless of which minorities must be trampled and/or pandered to,
OFFICIANT: In sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
HILLARY: Regardless of scandal or tawdry affairs, to hold forth as a reason for sympathy from done-wrong women and also those women who lust after your insatiable libido,
OFFICIANT: Till death do us part.
HILLARY: Until my second election as president when I’ll divorce you for giving me gonorrheic crabs.
OFFICIANT: I pledge thee my faith.
HILLARY: I pledge thee my faith until I get a better offer, which is not likely since Richard Nixon won’t return my calls.
OFFICIANT: Bill Clinton, repeat after me. I, Bill Clinton, take you, Hillary Rodham, to be my lawfully wedded wife.
BILL: Did you know my father was an abusive alcoholic, so I can feel your pain? And that Hillary, she’s quite a gal. Single-handedly passed civil rights legislation. I got a friend named Al working on something with computers, too. We’re gonna change the world.
OFFICIANT: To have and to hold, from this day forward,
BILL: I get to do more than hold, right? I ain’t getting married for the tax breaks, you know.
OFFICIANT: For better, for worse, for richer, or for poorer,
BILL: Don’t worry about poorer. Hill tells me she knows all about cattle and land and money’s not gonna be a problem for us. Plus, I can rent out bedrooms, and sell pardons, and all sorts of other stuff. You’d be amazed how much money you can raise when you have no shame.
OFFICIANT: In sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
BILL: That reminds me, Hill: I need to explain about that rash. Plus, I get a skanky ho exemption, don’t I? I can chase, like, four or five a year, right?
OFFICIANT: Till death do us part.
BILL: That depends on what your definition of “death” is.
OFFICIANT: I pledge thee my faith.
BILL: Yeah, sure, why not? Chicks dig a guy with a ring!
OFFICIANT: I now pronounce you man and wife.
HILLARY: It should be wife and husband.
BILL: Hey, Al, who’s that babe in the front row?
The Clinton Wedding Vows
OFFICIANT: Hillary Rodham, repeat after me. I, Hillary Rodham, take you, Bill Clinton, to be my lawfully wedded husband.
HILLARY: I, the scourge of the wicked Wall Street fatcats named Hillary Rodham, take you, the tragically flawed yet inexplicably charismatic Bill Clinton, to be my lawfully wedded husband and ticket to political offices that I could never dream of achieving on my own scant merits.
OFFICIANT: To have and to hold, from this day forward,
HILLARY: To hold my hand on the stump, from this day forward,
OFFICIANT: For better, for worse, for richer, or for poorer,
HILLARY: For fixed elections or fair, for broken campaign promises or not, regardless of which minorities must be trampled and/or pandered to,
OFFICIANT: In sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
HILLARY: Regardless of scandal or tawdry affairs, to hold forth as a reason for sympathy from done-wrong women and also those women who lust after your insatiable libido,
OFFICIANT: Till death do us part.
HILLARY: Until my second election as president when I’ll divorce you for giving me gonorrheic crabs.
OFFICIANT: I pledge thee my faith.
HILLARY: I pledge thee my faith until I get a better offer, which is not likely since Richard Nixon won’t return my calls.
OFFICIANT: Bill Clinton, repeat after me. I, Bill Clinton, take you, Hillary Rodham, to be my lawfully wedded wife.
BILL: Did you know my father was an abusive alcoholic, so I can feel your pain? And that Hillary, she’s quite a gal. Single-handedly passed civil rights legislation. I got a friend named Al working on something with computers, too. We’re gonna change the world.
OFFICIANT: To have and to hold, from this day forward,
BILL: I get to do more than hold, right? I ain’t getting married for the tax breaks, you know.
OFFICIANT: For better, for worse, for richer, or for poorer,
BILL: Don’t worry about poorer. Hill tells me she knows all about cattle and land and money’s not gonna be a problem for us. Plus, I can rent out bedrooms, and sell pardons, and all sorts of other stuff. You’d be amazed how much money you can raise when you have no shame.
OFFICIANT: In sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
BILL: That reminds me, Hill: I need to explain about that rash. Plus, I get a skanky ho exemption, don’t I? I can chase, like, four or five a year, right?
OFFICIANT: Till death do us part.
BILL: That depends on what your definition of “death” is.
OFFICIANT: I pledge thee my faith.
BILL: Yeah, sure, why not? Chicks dig a guy with a ring!
OFFICIANT: I now pronounce you man and wife.
HILLARY: It should be wife and husband.
BILL: Hey, Al, who’s that babe in the front row?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Investigation Shows AP Photo was Accurate
Several right-wing bloggers have egg on their sites this morning after denouncing a photograph printed by the AP as being the result of “fauxtography” and crying foul. An investigation by the Independent Center for Truth in Photography has shown that the image, which late last week in several news stories, turned out to be completely genuine and not at all misrepresented by the caption.
The storm began on Wednesday when right-wing blogger and frequent AP critic Charles Johnson said that the photo was “another example of AP fauxtography at their finest.” After the ITCP released their findings this morning, Johnson posted a rare apology on his popular right-wing site, which has been described as a cesspool of hatred by progressive critics.
“I admit that I didn’t research the photo closely enough,” Johnson said. “But after all of the collusion between the PA and the AP over the past few years, I figured that my tip on this one was accurate. It just goes to show that we need to be less vigilant, and that things like Green Helmet man, the al-Durrah shooting, and Yasser Arafat’s phony blood donations are the exception and not the rule.”
Johnson ended his retraction by saying “I conclude by promising less oversight to this noble organization in the future.”
Several other right-wing web logs were quick to attack the ICTP center as a tool of George Soros. While Soros does underwrite the center, blogger Ed Driscoll noted that “it doesn’t change the fact that the photo was what the AP said it was. I guess I’ll never doubt an AP story again.”
The ITCP confirmed that the photo, taken by an AP stringer, was not staged or manipulated in any way. The photograph showed a building in Rafah, and had a caption that said “A Building in Rafah.”
Observers noted that it is the first time in six years that a photograph from this area was genuine, and may mark a new era in accurate reporting from the troubled region.
The storm began on Wednesday when right-wing blogger and frequent AP critic Charles Johnson said that the photo was “another example of AP fauxtography at their finest.” After the ITCP released their findings this morning, Johnson posted a rare apology on his popular right-wing site, which has been described as a cesspool of hatred by progressive critics.
“I admit that I didn’t research the photo closely enough,” Johnson said. “But after all of the collusion between the PA and the AP over the past few years, I figured that my tip on this one was accurate. It just goes to show that we need to be less vigilant, and that things like Green Helmet man, the al-Durrah shooting, and Yasser Arafat’s phony blood donations are the exception and not the rule.”
Johnson ended his retraction by saying “I conclude by promising less oversight to this noble organization in the future.”
Several other right-wing web logs were quick to attack the ICTP center as a tool of George Soros. While Soros does underwrite the center, blogger Ed Driscoll noted that “it doesn’t change the fact that the photo was what the AP said it was. I guess I’ll never doubt an AP story again.”
The ITCP confirmed that the photo, taken by an AP stringer, was not staged or manipulated in any way. The photograph showed a building in Rafah, and had a caption that said “A Building in Rafah.”
Observers noted that it is the first time in six years that a photograph from this area was genuine, and may mark a new era in accurate reporting from the troubled region.
Riverdance Kind of Sucks
I will admit that I am an uncultured swine (see previous item). I am also married, which means that occasionally my wife demands that I wash the Cheeto dust off my face, put on a shirt with buttons, and take her “somewhere nice.”
When you take your wife out “somewhere nice” you have to be careful, because if it’s too obviously something you want to do then it ends up causing fights and you have to go out the next weekend again to make up for it. So you can only drag her to so many giant monster movies and tractor pulls.
The best bet is to take her where people sing, or emote on stage, or dance (fully clothed and definitely not on a pole: I found out the hard way that’s not exactly what she considers "somewhere nice").
So I took her to Riverdance this weekend, which promised all three. I want you to know that I went in to the evening with very, very low expectations. Exceedingly low. And yet, my hopes were dashed.
It’s not that the Irish dancing was bad; that was actually kind of cool. It’s just that there’s less Irish dancing than you’d think. There’s a lot of wailing in some language not English, with lights flashing and musicians playing what sounds like fast-paced funeral dirges. Oh, and if there’s a story, it makes absolutely not one iota of sense.
To make matters even worse, we parked roughly five miles away, walked through the freezing cold, and she was sick. Dinner was nice, though.
At halftime she looked at me and said “are you enjoying this?”
I plastered on my best Joker smile and said “Of course! This is great! Can we come back next weekend? You want to buy the DVD they’re selling of it as a memento?”
“Well, if you’re enjoying it we’ll stay,” she said to me. “I’m okay to leave, though, because I really don’t feel well and-"
“LET’S GO!” I yelled, picking her up and running for the exits. I think I flattened an usher and three smokers during my stampede, but I stand by my mad dash. The show was so bad they asked to see tickets to let us leave, but I bribed the guard with a twenty just to escape.
It was a total victory for me. Next time I take her out, we can see the five-hour limited edition special Godzilla versus Truckasaurus, and if she complains I can say “I just thought since you drug me away from Riverdance you’d make it up to me…”
So to summarize: I love Riverdance, and I’m gonna get tickets the very next time my wife is sick.
When you take your wife out “somewhere nice” you have to be careful, because if it’s too obviously something you want to do then it ends up causing fights and you have to go out the next weekend again to make up for it. So you can only drag her to so many giant monster movies and tractor pulls.
The best bet is to take her where people sing, or emote on stage, or dance (fully clothed and definitely not on a pole: I found out the hard way that’s not exactly what she considers "somewhere nice").
So I took her to Riverdance this weekend, which promised all three. I want you to know that I went in to the evening with very, very low expectations. Exceedingly low. And yet, my hopes were dashed.
It’s not that the Irish dancing was bad; that was actually kind of cool. It’s just that there’s less Irish dancing than you’d think. There’s a lot of wailing in some language not English, with lights flashing and musicians playing what sounds like fast-paced funeral dirges. Oh, and if there’s a story, it makes absolutely not one iota of sense.
To make matters even worse, we parked roughly five miles away, walked through the freezing cold, and she was sick. Dinner was nice, though.
At halftime she looked at me and said “are you enjoying this?”
I plastered on my best Joker smile and said “Of course! This is great! Can we come back next weekend? You want to buy the DVD they’re selling of it as a memento?”
“Well, if you’re enjoying it we’ll stay,” she said to me. “I’m okay to leave, though, because I really don’t feel well and-"
“LET’S GO!” I yelled, picking her up and running for the exits. I think I flattened an usher and three smokers during my stampede, but I stand by my mad dash. The show was so bad they asked to see tickets to let us leave, but I bribed the guard with a twenty just to escape.
It was a total victory for me. Next time I take her out, we can see the five-hour limited edition special Godzilla versus Truckasaurus, and if she complains I can say “I just thought since you drug me away from Riverdance you’d make it up to me…”
So to summarize: I love Riverdance, and I’m gonna get tickets the very next time my wife is sick.
Go See Cloverfield!
It’s important that you, and everyone you know, go see Cloverfield several times. It’s important for two reasons.
First of all, I love giant monster movies. If this one is successful, then there’s a slim chance that Hollywood will make more of these. I know, it would help if the monster were explicitly anti-war, but you can’t have everything. Maybe next time he could eat Susan Sarandon?
Secondly, did you know that there’s a direct correlation between the success of giant monster movies and the health of the US economy?
The King Kong remake in 2005 managed to pull us out of the economic slump that had hung around since the 9/11 attacks. The uplifting end of that film helped buck up our national spirits during the difficult Iraq War, only recently imperiled because of the subprime lending crisis.
The last big-time giant monster movie before that was 1998’s Godzilla, which kicked off the ‘net boom and finally cured the Asian Flu that had bedeviled the US economy since the mid-90s.
[Of course, we all know that because Godzilla sucked, the internet boom fizzled out with Enron’s bankruptcy a few years later. Did you know that it was so bad that Godzilla refused to have his name in the credits? It’s true: in the cast list it says “Godzilla - Alan Smithee.”]
Now, we can hope and pray that Cloverfield can pick us up out of the housing slump. If enough of us go see it, then it certainly will. And if Hollywood could just release one giant monster movie per year (a good one, too, not a sucky one!) we’d be on the path to eternal economic prosperity.
So I urge you to forward this to all your friends, and let giant monster movies run amok at the box office.
It’s for the children.
First of all, I love giant monster movies. If this one is successful, then there’s a slim chance that Hollywood will make more of these. I know, it would help if the monster were explicitly anti-war, but you can’t have everything. Maybe next time he could eat Susan Sarandon?
Secondly, did you know that there’s a direct correlation between the success of giant monster movies and the health of the US economy?
The King Kong remake in 2005 managed to pull us out of the economic slump that had hung around since the 9/11 attacks. The uplifting end of that film helped buck up our national spirits during the difficult Iraq War, only recently imperiled because of the subprime lending crisis.
The last big-time giant monster movie before that was 1998’s Godzilla, which kicked off the ‘net boom and finally cured the Asian Flu that had bedeviled the US economy since the mid-90s.
[Of course, we all know that because Godzilla sucked, the internet boom fizzled out with Enron’s bankruptcy a few years later. Did you know that it was so bad that Godzilla refused to have his name in the credits? It’s true: in the cast list it says “Godzilla - Alan Smithee.”]
Now, we can hope and pray that Cloverfield can pick us up out of the housing slump. If enough of us go see it, then it certainly will. And if Hollywood could just release one giant monster movie per year (a good one, too, not a sucky one!) we’d be on the path to eternal economic prosperity.
So I urge you to forward this to all your friends, and let giant monster movies run amok at the box office.
It’s for the children.
Now with Falling Satellite!
I have to admit that I read this post by Instapundit on 2008 being a repeat of the 1970’s with more amusement than alarm. Then I read about the falling spy satellite, reminiscent of Skylab, and I realized that we are reliving the late 1970's all over again!
So what else can we look forward to as we follow this template?
* A porn revival that will spawn re-imaginings of adult films like Debbie Does Dallas did once upon a time?
* A new A-Team, but this time as post-Iraq war veterans who solve people’s problems via vigilante justice and automatic weapons that never, ever hit anybody? [Is it too late to get Ving Rhames to play BA?]
* Dare we dream of a Miami Vice update? Oh, yeah, we had that one and it sucked. Never mind!
* Are rappers going to start wearing gigantic, gaudy clocks again? They might anyway, if the faces were made of bulletproof glass.
[Note to self: invest in the next bulletproof bling company that you find]
* Speaking of investments, I’m gonna invest in every upstart computer company I can find, since the new Apple must be out there somewhere, right? Or is the new Apple currently starting up in China?
* Could we possibly witness John Travolta's third career revival as an itinerant Scientology minister? Maybe on a TV show, with a title like Touched by a Dumbass?
So what else can we look forward to as we follow this template?
* A porn revival that will spawn re-imaginings of adult films like Debbie Does Dallas did once upon a time?
* A new A-Team, but this time as post-Iraq war veterans who solve people’s problems via vigilante justice and automatic weapons that never, ever hit anybody? [Is it too late to get Ving Rhames to play BA?]
* Dare we dream of a Miami Vice update? Oh, yeah, we had that one and it sucked. Never mind!
* Are rappers going to start wearing gigantic, gaudy clocks again? They might anyway, if the faces were made of bulletproof glass.
[Note to self: invest in the next bulletproof bling company that you find]
* Speaking of investments, I’m gonna invest in every upstart computer company I can find, since the new Apple must be out there somewhere, right? Or is the new Apple currently starting up in China?
* Could we possibly witness John Travolta's third career revival as an itinerant Scientology minister? Maybe on a TV show, with a title like Touched by a Dumbass?
Friday, January 25, 2008
Signs that Football Season is Ending
There are certain rituals which must be observed every year when bringing to a close the two professional football leagues (both the NFL and the NFL Children’s Amateur Association, also called the NCAA).
I think most of the ones on this list have been checked off so far:
* The Chargers whine about the Patriots, including a laundry list of generic complaints such as “they play mean” and “they didn’t share the ball!” One bizarre complaint is also included, just to make the Chargers seem particularly bitchy
* Article after article will appear proposing a “final solution” for the “problem” of crowning an NCAA division 1 champion, the college version of the West Bank
* Brett Favre will spend six months considering retirement, with Peter King reporting on his every move as if world peace hangs in the balance
* Just when everyone thinks the NCAA can’t get any seedier or more corrupt, a new allegation will lower the bar, like a booster paying for a team trip to Amsterdam that ends up with ten players arrested while smuggling back dope and steroids for sale on campus
* Columnists will still rhapsodize about how NCAA football is “purer” than professional football
* Norv Turner will continue to find work despite clear on-field evidence that he’s not half the coach that Molly McGrath is, and has none of the potential bubble-bath upside
* Debates between otherwise sane commentators break out about whether Tom Brady is the greatest QB in history, the most handsome QB in history, or both
* As contractually mandated for every credentialed media member, a “can Manning win the big one?” column (Eli or Peyton decided by regional affiliation)
* Bill Parcells will make a public ass of himself to remind everyone that he still exists
* College coaches will be hired and fired apace in both leagues without regard to their performance or the financial impact to the team
* Sportswriters will continue to call coaches who quit “traitorous scum” and expect them to be willing to take a bullet for a team that would fire them for a handful of Bill Bellicheck’s toenail clippings
* Miami will make a boneheaded front-office hiring decision
* With nothing but minor-league sports being played, Sportswriters can turn their attention to a subject on which they’re woefully uninformed: politics
* Sportswriters will also demonstrate statistical ignorance by writing column after column about racial hiring deficiencies in NFL coaching vacancies
* NCAA schools will continue to recycle burned-out white guys because there really is a racial balance problem in the coaching at this level
* Players will stop answering their phones for fear of injury until someone else is chosen to appear on the cover of the latest “Madden Football”
* Everyone will agree that the refs suck and football is worse than it ever has been before
* The same people will shell out thousands for tickets and limited-edition Randy Moss Oakland Raiders “Doobie” Bobbleheads
Republican Debate, Abridged Version
In case you didn’t get the chance to watch the whole Florida debate, or fell asleep halfway through it, here’s a useful synopsis for you. I didn’t watch it either, but I talked to people who did. Don’t laugh: that means I’m as qualified to write about it as Hillary Clinton is to be president.
Romney: I may be a flip-flopper, but at least I’m not a conservative poser. At least not on most topics, if you believe my flip-flopping is permanent. I heart Rudy, by the way.
Giuliani: Today, I consider myself the luckiest man ever to have once been a frontrunner, even though my disastrous strategy has brought me to the brink of irrelevance. And mega-dittos to you too, Mitty-boy.
McCain: Just look for the NYT label!
Moderator: Brother Huckabee, how do you feel about Jesus?
Huckabee: PRAISE JESUS!
Moderator: Testify!
Huckabee: I said, PRAISE JESUS!
Moderator: Amen, Brother Huckabee!
Dr. Ron Paul, Licensed Moron: The truth is out there! Keep watching the skies! The government is using fluoride to control our minds!
Moderator: Mr. Romney, do you have any final thoughts to bring us during the last ten minutes of this debate?
Romney: Why yes, yes I do…
[The Specter of Fred Thompson]: I lost to these assholes? Good God, I really am lazy!
Romney: I may be a flip-flopper, but at least I’m not a conservative poser. At least not on most topics, if you believe my flip-flopping is permanent. I heart Rudy, by the way.
Giuliani: Today, I consider myself the luckiest man ever to have once been a frontrunner, even though my disastrous strategy has brought me to the brink of irrelevance. And mega-dittos to you too, Mitty-boy.
McCain: Just look for the NYT label!
Moderator: Brother Huckabee, how do you feel about Jesus?
Huckabee: PRAISE JESUS!
Moderator: Testify!
Huckabee: I said, PRAISE JESUS!
Moderator: Amen, Brother Huckabee!
Dr. Ron Paul, Licensed Moron: The truth is out there! Keep watching the skies! The government is using fluoride to control our minds!
Moderator: Mr. Romney, do you have any final thoughts to bring us during the last ten minutes of this debate?
Romney: Why yes, yes I do…
[The Specter of Fred Thompson]: I lost to these assholes? Good God, I really am lazy!
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