According to a recent CNN/YouTube poll, over 1/3 of the total Republican undecided voters support Democratic candidates, a troubling development for the GOP that could signal upcoming electoral catastrophe.
John Zigby, senior poll analyst for CNN, said that it signaled a dramatic shift in political alliances. “About half of the party is currently undecided. That means that about 15% of the party as a whole has declared for Democratic candidates. The implication in a general election is that there’s only a maximum of about 30% of the vote the Republicans can count on. So victory will be difficult.”
Political Analyst Keith Olbermann worried that this signaled an upcoming military coup and a resulting crackdown on voting. “This president can be counted on to do anything necessary to keep his iron grip on power!” Olbermann warned on his CSNBC show. “With his minister of information Hermann O’Reilly over on Fox News and his sinister string-puller Rovesputan, he’s probably planning to suspend the vote since he knows that almost half his party has already turned to the Democrats!”
Some analysts suggested that CNN was simply wrong, but those concerns were dismissed in an interview with Anderson Cooper. “We did our homework, ran our notes, and found out that one third of Republicans are actually supporting Democrats. It doesn’t surprise us at all, since we took an informal poll in our newsroom and everybody was supporting Democrats. Why shouldn’t most of the Republicans do the same?”
[UPDATE: Thanks for the link, Steveegg. I turned comments on just for you!]
[UPDATE 2: To you visitors, be sure to check out my prescient pre-debate coverage, and also find out the latest on the continuing threat of giant monster attack. For sports coverage, how about a comparison of the Patriots to the Gashouse Gorillas?]
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Future Presidential Debates in Doubt
A televised debate set for next month among the Democratic presidential candidates will be canceled due to the Hollywood writers’ strike, organizers said on Wednesday. No make-up will be rescheduled until after the writers are back at work.
CBS executives blamed CNN for the cancellation. “They’ve been having debates willy-nilly, using up all the scripted questions like a drunken sailor on shore leave. Now how are we supposed to ask softball questions to Hillary and ‘gotcha’ questions to the other candidates? We can’t be expected to come up with material on our own!”
CBS hinted that live candidate interviews may also become a problem. “We can still interview Hillary, since it’s her team that always provides us questions, but how are we supposed to interview those other guys? Like Barack Obama, and what’s-his-name, and that sleazy lawyer with the good hair? You can’t expect journalists to think up their own questions.”
For its part, CNN defended their use of the few remaining scripted questions in the public-driven, open-form debate. “Listen, we can’t be expected to put a lot of time and effort into finding actors and Hillary staffers to ask questions, then actually come up with questions ourselves. We had to use those scripted questions. And we don’t want to hear any more CBS complaints: we’re almost out of copy for our news.”
A spokesman for ABC said that the real problem was sloppy archiving of the other major networks. “We’re sitting pretty at ABC, where we’ve been recycling stories on the economy and the environment from the 1970’s. The only area where we suffer is sports, but fortunately we have a steady stream of inane content from ESPN to lean on.”
“What we’re really worried about,” said an NBC spokesman. “Is that without television to distract them, people might begin to read books or speak to each other. And I don’t think anybody wants that.”
CBS executives blamed CNN for the cancellation. “They’ve been having debates willy-nilly, using up all the scripted questions like a drunken sailor on shore leave. Now how are we supposed to ask softball questions to Hillary and ‘gotcha’ questions to the other candidates? We can’t be expected to come up with material on our own!”
CBS hinted that live candidate interviews may also become a problem. “We can still interview Hillary, since it’s her team that always provides us questions, but how are we supposed to interview those other guys? Like Barack Obama, and what’s-his-name, and that sleazy lawyer with the good hair? You can’t expect journalists to think up their own questions.”
For its part, CNN defended their use of the few remaining scripted questions in the public-driven, open-form debate. “Listen, we can’t be expected to put a lot of time and effort into finding actors and Hillary staffers to ask questions, then actually come up with questions ourselves. We had to use those scripted questions. And we don’t want to hear any more CBS complaints: we’re almost out of copy for our news.”
A spokesman for ABC said that the real problem was sloppy archiving of the other major networks. “We’re sitting pretty at ABC, where we’ve been recycling stories on the economy and the environment from the 1970’s. The only area where we suffer is sports, but fortunately we have a steady stream of inane content from ESPN to lean on.”
“What we’re really worried about,” said an NBC spokesman. “Is that without television to distract them, people might begin to read books or speak to each other. And I don’t think anybody wants that.”
Hillary Clinton Scolds CNN
Hillary Clinton’s campaign lashed out at CNN today over last night’s Republican You Tube debate, saying that it was “unprofessional, ill-advised, and totally ridiculous.” The controversy swirls around four questioners with declared affiliations to Democratic candidates, including two for John Edwards, one for Barack Obama, and an official in the Clinton campaign.
“I’m thoroughly disgusted with what I saw last night,” Hillary said in a letter sent out this morning. “I vow to absolutely destroy whatever CNN hack decided to let John Edwards have two questions and only let me have one. Bill Clinton will NOT be available for interviews or bachelorette parties for CNN or its affiliates until I have received a thorough explanation and apology for this slight.”
The Clinton campaign insisted that CNN had promised them greater control over planted questions and a 2:1 ratio over the other candidates. “Edwards can have his one question,” said a senior member of Team Hillary. “So can Barack. But Hillary’s gotta have two. If they think giving our stealth questioner a few minutes’ rebuttal time is going to make us all warm and fuzzy, they can think again.”
CNN apologized for the planted questions, saying that it was sloppiness instead of calculation that caused the error. Anderson Cooper said “We hope that our dark-hearted mistress realizes that this was the result of rampant incompetence, possibly forced through the vast right-wing conspiracy, and not by design. We would never dare to ignore so clear a directive from her. Honestly.”
Bill Clinton, speaking from a hotel in Iowa where he’d spent all night canvassing potential voters, said that “CNN has always been a Republican network. That’s why I never appear on the network, and haven’t for fifteen years.”
“I’m thoroughly disgusted with what I saw last night,” Hillary said in a letter sent out this morning. “I vow to absolutely destroy whatever CNN hack decided to let John Edwards have two questions and only let me have one. Bill Clinton will NOT be available for interviews or bachelorette parties for CNN or its affiliates until I have received a thorough explanation and apology for this slight.”
The Clinton campaign insisted that CNN had promised them greater control over planted questions and a 2:1 ratio over the other candidates. “Edwards can have his one question,” said a senior member of Team Hillary. “So can Barack. But Hillary’s gotta have two. If they think giving our stealth questioner a few minutes’ rebuttal time is going to make us all warm and fuzzy, they can think again.”
CNN apologized for the planted questions, saying that it was sloppiness instead of calculation that caused the error. Anderson Cooper said “We hope that our dark-hearted mistress realizes that this was the result of rampant incompetence, possibly forced through the vast right-wing conspiracy, and not by design. We would never dare to ignore so clear a directive from her. Honestly.”
Bill Clinton, speaking from a hotel in Iowa where he’d spent all night canvassing potential voters, said that “CNN has always been a Republican network. That’s why I never appear on the network, and haven’t for fifteen years.”
Values Voters Decide to Destroy Republican Party to Save It
So-called Christian Conservatives today declared that their intention was to “destroy the Republican party in order to save it” by supporting unelectable candidates or staying home. Though they acknowledged the strategy may lead to short-term descent into depravity, they said that they were taking a long-term view of the program.
Chuck Darling, head of the Values Coalition, said that for values voters the current crop of GOP candidates were all insufficient in one way or another, from being too pro-government to not pro-life enough. So the group has decided it is time to take action to improve its hold on the GOP.
He said that “When we saw the impact that the fringe left had on the Democratic party by going completely insane, we knew there was an opportunity for a similar transformation here in the Republican party. So we’re going to tear the party apart, lose the presidency, and cost the GOP several seats in Congress for the good of the party. After that all will be well, right?”
Lefty McLiberal, head of the non-partisan think-tank Progressive Thought Machine, said she felt that the idea was a good one. “If you look at the enormous influence that the moonbat coalition has had on the platform of the Democratic Party, and the correlation of that influence to electoral success, you’ll realize that values voters must tear apart the GOP for the same result. That’s why we’re encouraging them to boycott the 2008 election, to really make their voices heard.”
“I think it’s a terrible idea,” Incompetent pollster Zigby said. “In poll after poll the self-identified values voter says he wants anybody but Hillary Clinton. By sitting it out, they’re guaranteeing her the presidency. What are these people smoking?”
“What does Zigby know?” retorted Darling. “Their last ten polls have been totally unreliable. They’ve got Mike Huckabee leading Iowa, for heaven’s sakes! We’re going to cause a party schism, and that’s final.”
402nd Post!
This is my glorious 402nd post! Well, technically 403rd, but who other than me is counting? Anyway, at about 6000 visitors and about 400 posts, thats...um...several visitors per post!
Okay, now I'll post something worth reading. Thanks for stopping by!
Okay, now I'll post something worth reading. Thanks for stopping by!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Forward to History
Now, mere hours before the debates begin, I am pleased to announce that I have managed to get ahold of the CNN/YouTube script for the upcoming debate. As a service to you, my loyal reader, I print the questions that you can expect to see tonight when the Republican candidates get together to answer questions from actual morons who can use the Internet:
"I have a hypothetical question for John McCain: if you knew that I was going to eat this baby at midnight, would you approve waterboarding Ernie if that was the only way to figure out where on Sesame Street I was hiding? If not, why not? Don't you like babies?"
"This questions is for Ron Paul. Why are you bothering to stand on stage with such inferior candidates? Hello! You should be touring in your blimp, allowing others to revel in your presence, as we continue to make sure that all online polls have you as the winner. Comparing the other candidates to you is like comparing Aquaman to Superman: worst teamup ever!"
"I'm an undecided voter, and I'm still not sure which candidate I will support in the general election. Can you tell me why, if I care about this country, I should vote for a Republican who wants to line the pockets of fat cat businessmen, destroy our health care, revoke our right to choose, listen to our private conversations, criminalize our bedroom activities, and install a theocratic dictatorship over us? Aren't I better off voting for an enlightened progressive, like one of the Democrats?"
"Hi, I'm Peter King, and it's a good thing that my lower body isn't showing, because I was just reviewing some Packers game film and, well, I just couldn't control myself. I really love Brett Favre. Why doesn't he run for president? I'm sure his long bombs will be more effective than Bush's!"
"Aren't you worried about following such a divisive president like George Bush? I got royally screwed by following Rudolph. After he saves Christmas and delivers presents and finds home for misfit toys, the only plot left over was getting dicked around by Siegfried and Roy's ex-boyfriend."
"I'm just a normal American, and I want to know how, as president, you're going to reform our ties to Latin America. For example, by allowing Hugo Chavez to have our seat on the UN Security Council, or by normalizing relations with Cuba. It's high time we put away the arrogant rhetoric and started to support our more-enlightened neighbors down under in South America."
"I would like to know where you stand on decriminalizing marijuana, particularly medicinal marijuana, particularly for sports-related injuries. Dude, I have got the munchies so bad right now, you wouldn't believe it. Also, I want to say that anybody near Tampa who found two big garbage bags of lawn clippings, please give me a call."
"I've only just begun exploring these ideas, but to me, I think they're worth looking into. Last time you pooped, how many squares did you use when you wiped?"
"I have a hypothetical question for John McCain: if you knew that I was going to eat this baby at midnight, would you approve waterboarding Ernie if that was the only way to figure out where on Sesame Street I was hiding? If not, why not? Don't you like babies?"
"This questions is for Ron Paul. Why are you bothering to stand on stage with such inferior candidates? Hello! You should be touring in your blimp, allowing others to revel in your presence, as we continue to make sure that all online polls have you as the winner. Comparing the other candidates to you is like comparing Aquaman to Superman: worst teamup ever!"
"I'm an undecided voter, and I'm still not sure which candidate I will support in the general election. Can you tell me why, if I care about this country, I should vote for a Republican who wants to line the pockets of fat cat businessmen, destroy our health care, revoke our right to choose, listen to our private conversations, criminalize our bedroom activities, and install a theocratic dictatorship over us? Aren't I better off voting for an enlightened progressive, like one of the Democrats?"
"Hi, I'm Peter King, and it's a good thing that my lower body isn't showing, because I was just reviewing some Packers game film and, well, I just couldn't control myself. I really love Brett Favre. Why doesn't he run for president? I'm sure his long bombs will be more effective than Bush's!"
"Aren't you worried about following such a divisive president like George Bush? I got royally screwed by following Rudolph. After he saves Christmas and delivers presents and finds home for misfit toys, the only plot left over was getting dicked around by Siegfried and Roy's ex-boyfriend."
"I'm just a normal American, and I want to know how, as president, you're going to reform our ties to Latin America. For example, by allowing Hugo Chavez to have our seat on the UN Security Council, or by normalizing relations with Cuba. It's high time we put away the arrogant rhetoric and started to support our more-enlightened neighbors down under in South America."
"I would like to know where you stand on decriminalizing marijuana, particularly medicinal marijuana, particularly for sports-related injuries. Dude, I have got the munchies so bad right now, you wouldn't believe it. Also, I want to say that anybody near Tampa who found two big garbage bags of lawn clippings, please give me a call."
"I've only just begun exploring these ideas, but to me, I think they're worth looking into. Last time you pooped, how many squares did you use when you wiped?"
NFL Declares This ‘Throwback Weekend’
The NFL today announced that the television blackouts that have fans complaining are not the result of inane bickering over money, but are rather designed as a stirring league-wide “Throwback Weekend.”
The NFL network, holder of the rights to several games including Thursday’s marquee Dallas-Green Bay matchup, will make sure that fans across the country are denied top-quality football and punished by watching bizarre and poorly-chosen local matchups.
“We noticed that our top-selling item was retro jerseys, so we thought, ‘why not go with retro broadcasting?’ We’re going to have cameramen in polyester suits with butterfly collars, sets decked out in lime green and orange, and platform shoes everywhere. And with only two games on per weekend, and those matchups featuring really bad teams, think of all the free time you’ll have to develop other interests!”
Goodell said that it was part of a league-wide rebranding effort that they hoped would pay major dividends. “We’re currently in talks to go to an all pay-per-view format, or perhaps move all games to a subscription channel like HBO or SpiceTV. That way we can reproduce the success that boxing has had with this format. We’re even talking to the NBA on how to get corrupt referees, which will further enhance our brand.”
“The NFL is going to combine the access of boxing, the integrity of basketball, and the technological innovation of baseball to create a truly unique and unforgettable sporting experience. At least, it will be for a handful of fans.”
The NFL network, holder of the rights to several games including Thursday’s marquee Dallas-Green Bay matchup, will make sure that fans across the country are denied top-quality football and punished by watching bizarre and poorly-chosen local matchups.
“We noticed that our top-selling item was retro jerseys, so we thought, ‘why not go with retro broadcasting?’ We’re going to have cameramen in polyester suits with butterfly collars, sets decked out in lime green and orange, and platform shoes everywhere. And with only two games on per weekend, and those matchups featuring really bad teams, think of all the free time you’ll have to develop other interests!”
Goodell said that it was part of a league-wide rebranding effort that they hoped would pay major dividends. “We’re currently in talks to go to an all pay-per-view format, or perhaps move all games to a subscription channel like HBO or SpiceTV. That way we can reproduce the success that boxing has had with this format. We’re even talking to the NBA on how to get corrupt referees, which will further enhance our brand.”
“The NFL is going to combine the access of boxing, the integrity of basketball, and the technological innovation of baseball to create a truly unique and unforgettable sporting experience. At least, it will be for a handful of fans.”
Two big radishes
Every once in a while I read something so funny that I’m sick with jealousy. This is one of those times: Boxbux sux as stix nix Xmas pix.
Secondly, I read the Stephen King interview with TIME yesterday, and I came away wholly unimpressed with his shallowness of thought. Then today I read Instapunk’s review of it, which pretty well sums up what I was thinking (H/T Instapundit).
Secondly, I read the Stephen King interview with TIME yesterday, and I came away wholly unimpressed with his shallowness of thought. Then today I read Instapunk’s review of it, which pretty well sums up what I was thinking (H/T Instapundit).
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Aliens’ Calculation Error Has Doomed Humanity, Scientist Says
Because of sloppy equations or inattentive graduate students, our solar system and everything in it will be sucked into a black hole at the end of this year, said a prominent Quantum Physicist at the Los Alamos National Lab. Dr. Larry Dent, of Western Vanderbilt University in New Mexico, said in a press conference today that recent studies into strange fluctuations of the solar core have led him to believe that it will soon turn into a black hole and eradicate everything within several light-years.
“I’ve been studying this phenomenon for the last three years, and finally using advanced computation models I’ve eliminated everything else. Aliens, possibly hostile and definitely sloppy, have miscalculated the age and dimensions of our sun and, because of this error, at the end of this year the quantum state of our sun will change and it will turn into a black hole and destroy us all.”
The aliens’ error is similar to the famous Schroedinger’s Cat experiment, where a cat in a box is either killed or spared by the investigation of curious graduate students. The experiment is often used to weed out first-year physics majors at universities by allowing only the most intellectually shallow sophists to move on to graduate studies, and forcing those who argue to become philosophy majors.
Dr. Dent explained that the end of the solar system would come quickly. “At about 2:38 AM Pacific time on January 1 the sun will change states, and a few seconds later we’ll be sucked into the abyss. Of course, time slows as velocity approaches the speed of light, so we’ll probably teeter on the brink of infinite nothingness for several million years. But to outside observers it will happen really fast. Plus, everybody except Hawaii will get to have one last New Year’s kiss.”
Asked about the source of the error, Dent responded that it was “likely either a lazy graduate physics student or some variation on the Y2K bug that has afflicted them. Although may seem that their methods are haphazard to outsiders, I know well that human graduate students are sloppy and unkempt and smell bad, so why should alien graduate students be any different?”
Al Gore, not asked for comment but hoping to win something else to fill up his trophy case, said that the fault lay squarely with the Bush administration. Speaking from outside the White House, where he’d been hectoring Bush about global warming, Gore warned that “this calculational error will surely cause us infinite sorrow if we do not begin an immediate wealth transfer to a small but select group of people focused on building a ship with FTL capability which can escape the inexorable pull of the black hole and allow us, particularly myself as expedition head, to warn the aliens of their mistake. Or at the very least fill a ship up with buxom beauties and allow me to father a race of superhumans in the far off solar system of Alpha Babe-tauri.”
Dr. Dent said the next month should be spent reflecting on life and preparing for the inevitability of being compressed into an infinitely small space with the rest of the solar system. “We should also get the TV writers back to work,” he said. “Because at least then we’d have something worth watching to take our minds off impending doom.”
“I’ve been studying this phenomenon for the last three years, and finally using advanced computation models I’ve eliminated everything else. Aliens, possibly hostile and definitely sloppy, have miscalculated the age and dimensions of our sun and, because of this error, at the end of this year the quantum state of our sun will change and it will turn into a black hole and destroy us all.”
The aliens’ error is similar to the famous Schroedinger’s Cat experiment, where a cat in a box is either killed or spared by the investigation of curious graduate students. The experiment is often used to weed out first-year physics majors at universities by allowing only the most intellectually shallow sophists to move on to graduate studies, and forcing those who argue to become philosophy majors.
Dr. Dent explained that the end of the solar system would come quickly. “At about 2:38 AM Pacific time on January 1 the sun will change states, and a few seconds later we’ll be sucked into the abyss. Of course, time slows as velocity approaches the speed of light, so we’ll probably teeter on the brink of infinite nothingness for several million years. But to outside observers it will happen really fast. Plus, everybody except Hawaii will get to have one last New Year’s kiss.”
Asked about the source of the error, Dent responded that it was “likely either a lazy graduate physics student or some variation on the Y2K bug that has afflicted them. Although may seem that their methods are haphazard to outsiders, I know well that human graduate students are sloppy and unkempt and smell bad, so why should alien graduate students be any different?”
Al Gore, not asked for comment but hoping to win something else to fill up his trophy case, said that the fault lay squarely with the Bush administration. Speaking from outside the White House, where he’d been hectoring Bush about global warming, Gore warned that “this calculational error will surely cause us infinite sorrow if we do not begin an immediate wealth transfer to a small but select group of people focused on building a ship with FTL capability which can escape the inexorable pull of the black hole and allow us, particularly myself as expedition head, to warn the aliens of their mistake. Or at the very least fill a ship up with buxom beauties and allow me to father a race of superhumans in the far off solar system of Alpha Babe-tauri.”
Dr. Dent said the next month should be spent reflecting on life and preparing for the inevitability of being compressed into an infinitely small space with the rest of the solar system. “We should also get the TV writers back to work,” he said. “Because at least then we’d have something worth watching to take our minds off impending doom.”
Blognarok
Hereafter follows the tale of the Blognarok, the end of all those who now live within this fragile sphere and think themselves safe from the war and strife that rages outside in the world of the living. This terrible vision has been given to me by the spirits of the Internet itself last night as I lay dreaming after electrocuting myself while trying to hotwire my ADSL modem.
Think not to escape your doom, mortals, for thy fate is carved into the very electrons of the Internet itself:
You shall know that the time of the Blognarok is at hand when the great War-King of the leafed shrub nears the end of his time of power. Many are those who would replace him, but the Blognarok shall not truly begin until there be but two left: one bestride a powerful and haughty ass, and the other mounted upon an elephant whose ivory tusks are smeared red with gore. They shall joust with one another, and their wounds spill much blood upon the earth, but this shall trouble none, for such has always been the way of things.
Nay, I tell you, the Blognarok shall begin in earnest only after ye have entered the abnormal winter-time called McCainFeingöldvetr, where those who wouldst urge their champions on find their lips frozen and their limbs made weak, forbidden from noble action, while the corrupt spread lies and slander as they wish. This, too, shall arouse no fear, for the McCainFeingöldvetr is not new, and long have men and gods railed against its unnatural glaciation.
Verily you shall know that the Blognarok has begun when finally the bonds which hold the god of illogic and discordant speech, the fearsome Kos, slip and he begins to run free again throughout the land. The very roots of the great Tree of Knowledge, Bloggdrasil, shall shudder with dread at the thunder of his footsteps as he rouses his maniac hordes for a final assault upon the shining city of reason, Http. His sojourn in the realm of weekly information shall give him no wisdom, and his speech shall be all the more the intemperate for his time spent there!
The mad god Kos will gather his forces: the slavering dogs of Fire Lake, the filth-spewing harpy Arianna and her gibbering idiot servants the Huffpos, the inconceivably gigantic serpent called MyDD, that fearsome warrior Atrios the Eschaton, and of course Kos’ army of the damned, the Kossacks. They shall ride across the plains like locusts descending on a field of wheat, and smash all behind them as they march on glowing Http, last refuge of freedom and sanity. Behind them, the bandwidth of the ADSL and the ancient dialup modems and all other means of access shall lie in smoking ruin. Once they have besieged Http from the west, then the final battle has truly begun.
As the army of blight approaches, the Drudge, that shapeshifting creature which lingers always on the edge of Http, shall see the danger and slink away. For it is in the Drudge’s nature to watch and never aid, for speech and slander and speculation are all as one in its fevered mind. It shall withdraw and play no further part in the battle.
The guardian of Http, Edward the Driscoll, shall see the coming hordes descending and let out a mighty trumpet blast, signaling to all who dwell within that the time of the final battle is within. Both the gods of the Internet and those valorous Blogkings who dwell with them in eternal bliss shall shoulder their arms, gird their loins, and prepare for battle.
Leading the way comes the Instapundit, father of all the other gods, splendid in his link’d armor and without a peer among the annals of the Internet. Has there ever been a more splendid creature to walk in all the universe than the Instapundit, also called Glenn the Greater? He will take up his spear, called Helen, and upon his might steed Podcast he shall first consult the Well of Steyn, inexhaustible font of all knowledge and wisdom for the forces of Http. Finding no solace, the Instapundit shall bravely go forth to meet his doom.
Behind him comes the rest of the host, for none would dare to shirk their duty under the watchful eye of the Instapundit: here is the tripartite god of ten-dollar words and ten-cent site banners, Hindgoffsøn, with his hammer the Powerline; he is a peerless debater and pedantic scold all in one. Also the powerful god of swearing and NSFW links Ace, with his band of warrior-morons hooting and cavorting along behind him. Carrying his shield is Malor the Less, cursed by fate to cause the death of the one most dear to him.
There, to the right of the Instapundit, is Morrissey, Captain of the Quarters, the guardian of ideology, breathing the pure strains of Eastern air that are necessary for his ideological well-being. With him strides the warrior-maiden Michelle, wielding her fierce Malkinator, the blade of evisceration which has left many a severed limb or testicle on the field of battle in ages past.
From her tower watches the mother of all the gods of the East, Ann the Lady of Althouse, her heart filled with dread and trembling at the coming clash.
Inexorably the two sides draw together, throats hoarse from hurling invectives at one another. The Instapundit has it in his mind to attack and slay his ancient enemy Kos, who is jeering and taunting him as always. As the two titans draw together the Instapundit is lauding his advantage with fluorescent light bulbs and unique hits, while the Kos is crowing of his own mainstream acceptance and advantage in total page views. The battle is terrible, and Bloggdrasil will have its roots bathed in blood ‘ere the savage fury of the two is sated.
Beside his lord comes tripartite all-puissant Hindgoffsøn, lauding himself on his silver tongue and fine bon mots. Yet ‘ere he can aide the master Hindgoffsøn finds himself beset by the poison-spewing serpent MyDD, and though he slays the beast with his Powerline he is himself suffused with its foul venom. Taking nine steps back, the mighty champion collapses and shall rise no more, and we are spared his fulsome pomposity at long last.
Oh, the sorrow that Ann the Lady of Althouse feels at the death of her kinsman! But though her tears flow freely, they shall find no cessation, for the champions of Http let forth a cry of despair as the Kos swallows Lord Instapundit whole. Now that the twin advocates are devoured, who shall protect Http from spurious trivialities spew’d by their enemies? Truly the sorrows of the Althouse are as deep as the ocean’s bosom.
Undeterred, the filth-spewing morons of Ace have locked with the Dogs of Fire and in a terrific conflagration the entirety of both masses of drooling idiots have been consumed. Having trusted in Malor to shield him from the blast, instead Ace finds himself consumed by fire when the Malor’s distraction at a scantily-clad cheerleader leaves Ace unguarded and alone. Oh, woe that the Malor ever began to haunt the hallowed halls of Ace!
Seeing the grim turn of the battle, Michelle strides forth and Malkinates several of the horde that stand against her. Many Huffpos assail her, and many times their crude photoshops and racial slurs are no match for her slashing doom. Aided by Charles of the Green Football, the mighty Michelle begins to clean their filth and stench from the field.
The Captain of the Quarters, eager to prove his merit on this day, takes the place of his lord Instapundit in the face of the dreaded Kos, and he quickly proves himself true heir to the kingdom by vanquishing the towering dread with one quick thrust. His triumph is redoubled when, using the ancient knowledge imparted to him by the mystic Rove, he slays also Atrios, who is cravenly attempting to flee the heat of battle.
As the grim Valkyrie Michelle remorselessly hacks her way through the few remaining forces of woe, Arianna of the Flaming Fork’d Tongue unleashes a great towering gout of filth and depravity, slandering the name of Cheney, Bush, and Rumsfeld while decrying all that every decent person holds dear. This is the dreaded Guttering Gibberish, and none can stand before it.
This vile conflagration consumes all still present, both East and West: Huffpos, valiant Blogkings from Http, and even Arianna herself, whose choicest curses are saved for her own foolish end. Also consumed in the holocaust are Michelle of the shining armor, the stalwart guardian Ed the Driscoll, the city of Http (including the Althouse where dwelleth the grieving Ann), and finally the tide of curses overwhelms and destroys Bloggdrasil itself.
Ten years shall pass until finally the filth and hatred from Blognarok shall be cleansed from the Internet. Then, and only then, shall the sole survivor of the titanic battle, Morrissey the Captain of the Quarters, reconstruct a new paradise. Into this new world shall all be welcome, to discuss freely and exchange views in unmoderated comments where all speak in soft tones without any abusive threats or NSFW language.
Thus I have seen, and so it shall be. Seek not to avoid the Blognarok, mortal, nor your place in it, but rather take up arms and be joyous of heart, for to fall in glorious battle is the greatest of fates for mortal men.
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