News from the Future

(Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm going to pass along to you my news updates from the future.)

Bailout Czar Biden Buys Detroit Lions

Vice President and Bailout Czar Joe Biden today instructed the Treasury Department to purchase the Detroit Lions from the Ford family, which has seen its fortune dissipate with the bankruptcy of their automotive company. The government purchased a 51% stake in the ownership of the team, which just set an NFL record for worst season at 0-16 last year, for $628 million.

"This one's a guaranteed winner," Biden told reporters at his daily State of the Bailout news conference. "The NFL is the number one sports franchise in America, and now the US taxpayer has a piece of that pie. This is one investment that Americans can be sure will pay off in the long run!"

Biden has been criticized in recent weeks for a string of investments that have quickly lost almost all of their value, including an ice-cream delivery service targeting remote Inuit seal hunters and a speculative real estate investment in a beachfront condominium resort located on the Kansas-Nebraska border. In both instances the Treasury department has had to write off the entire bailout investment as a loss.

"We're gonna move 'em to DC, too. With the boom going on, the administration felt we needed another sports franchise," Biden told reporters, alluding to the 250% population explosion that has been seen in recent months as the applicants have flooded Washington to snap up nearly 100,000 federal jobs created by the Obama administration.

For the near future the team will share facilities with the other Washington NFL franchise, the Washington First Americans of Noble Mien. Americans owner Daniel Snyder said that he was "excited to be part of this great new experiment at sharing and getting along" and pledged full cooperation with the new NFL franchise, which will be rechristened the Washington Hope.

Now that the government has a controlling interest in an NFL team, President Obama announced that he is "vigorously pursuing the appointment of a Football Czar to help bring NFL standards and practices into line with this country's values and traditions."

The president specifically mentioned concerns over injuries and long-term benefits for NFL retirees, an increase in the number of minority coaches, GMS, and owners, and granting cheerleaders greater access to labor organization.