Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Naked Woman Closes Airport

An angry naked woman shut down New York's JFK airport for four hours on Monday after demanding a fare reduction and special treatment in the security line. The woman was charged with violating public nudity statutes and unlawful possession of a badger, but escaped in the confusion outside the airport as officers tried to decide which one of them would handcuff her.

The altercation started when the woman, late for a flight and dismayed at rising fuel surcharges, stripped off her clothes at the ticket counter and demanded that the agent give her a refund. She insisted that since clothes weigh 5 to 10 pounds she deserved to pay less than "your average fatass, freeloading American."

Descriptions of the woman were vague, with ticket agents saying she had "a tremendous bust size" while a group of frat boys waiting in line for a plane to Acapulco described her as "stacked, racked, and all that."

One woman said she "looked like a skanky ho" but could not elaborate.

After receiving her refund, the woman tried to bypass normal security procedures. Agents said that their suspicions were aroused when the naked woman set off the metal detector.

"I think she had some cunning device implanted somewhere," said a spokesman for the department. "But nobody got to search her, since the moment the metal detector went off she made a break for the exit."

Although police caught the woman, the three officers argued about which one got to handcuff and frisk her, eventually devolving into a fistfight. During the confusion the woman escaped by hitching a ride with a passing motorist who had just seen his wife off for a long trip to visit her parents.

Police are advising people to stay away from all naked women until she is apprehended, as she is to be considered armed, dangerous, and possibly sexy.

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