Thursday, July 3, 2008

Another Healthy Food I Don't Like

I see that watermelon has Viagra-like effects on men. Does that mean I have to start eating it? I don't like watermelon, unless you salt it. I have high blood pressure, which means I can't salt it. Ergo, no watermelon-assisted Viagra-like watermelon effect for me.

Now I know why Wifey, who forwarded me this article, was quietly sobbing when I called her this afternoon. She wept for all those lost summer afternoons, when I, half-soused from drinking the leftover beer I found in cans abandoned under picnic tables in the park, fumbled inadequately in the boudoir when we could have had a watermelon-assisted, turbo-charged sexual romp that would have made the NFL and Smilin' Bob jealous.

Instead she gets wham, bam, "I think I'm gonna puke!" It's really a miracle she's managed to stay married to me this long.

Why can't it ever be something that I can handle, like armpit-stains? Wouldn't you love to read the headline "Armpit stains increase feminine arousal, male sexual performance, indicate career success." D&D players would have this reputation for being tantric sex gods, instead of self-pleasuring dweebs who spend all their time in their mom's basement obsessing over whether Thor could beat up Superman.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat dinner. Wifey made it especially for me: watercrust salad, prilosteak, and a fifth of vodka. She also sent the kids away for the night, but I'm not sure why.

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