Here are ten TV shows that aren’t in the fall lineup, but really ought to be:
Are you Smarter than Chuck Schumer? (Game Show): This show pits randomly selected 8th-grade Civics students against the powerful DC congressman to see who has a superior understanding of how government is supposed to work. A special college edition of “Can you drink more than Ted Kennedy?” will air during sweeps week.
Shocking Behavior (Reality): Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Brittney Spears are each fitted out with a shock collar and followed by camera crews as they tour hot LA nightspots to see which can best resist temptation. The frequency and intensity of the shocks will be controlled by a panel including Dr. Phil, Miss Manners, and an online audience vote. The starlet who absorbs the least voltage will receive free legal counseling for one year, a $500,000 value.
Pardon Me? (Comedy): The original prison odd couple, “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh and former White House aide “Scooter” Libby, try to get along in this wacky comedy set in a newly opened federal prison for high-profile detainees. Special guest stars include Arlen Specter and Michael Vick.
Real History (Educational): Professor Ward Churchill presents history “the way it really happened, not in a way that glorifies dead white guys.” Up first is “Barbarians on the Throne”, focusing on US presidents who were also war criminals, from George Washington and Andrew Jackson up to Dwight Eisenhower and George Bush.
Attack of the Werewolf Vampire Frankensteins (SF Drama): In this dark futuristic drama set in San Francisco, a small group of humans protects themselves against the attacks of werewolf vampire frankensteins, led by a powerful mummy sorceress created by the CIA in the closing days of the Bush administration.
Cartoon FBI Babe Superheroes, MD (Comedy): This Fox show will seek to capture on the popularity of other shows, but once again prove that the network is at its worst when it copies and at its best when it is original.
Hit Machine (Music): This new MTV show will focus on hot artists whose musical careers continue to amaze their legions of fans. Up first: Tupac Shakur, whose records continue to be best-sellers despite the fact that he’s been dead for ten years. A second installment will focus on Biggie Smalls, whose more recent death appears to have slowed his new record sales somewhat.
Fat Guy and Hot Wife (Comedy): In yet another interminable iteration of the standard formula, a fat comedian will be paired with a hot wife and encounter wacky situations designed to amuse and entertain. Costarring a crotchety elderly person as an aged relative who gives witty insights delivered with impeccable timing.
Quentin Tarantino Presents: Ludicrous Violence Disguised as Art (Reality): The famed Hollywood director works with ten aspiring film directors to help them develop violence as a crutch for poor screenwriting, acting, and directing. Each week the studio audience will vote to see which director is expelled from the show by hurling them into a garbage truck full of pig snouts. The winner will be allowed to work as a gofer on Tarantino’s next film, Bum Fights on the Moons of Ka, a love story.
Table Turns (News): Called the show that “allows celebrities to fight back!” this looks to be the smash hit of the summer. In the pilot episode, Democratic presidential hopefuls will be allowed to interview some of the retarded morons that badgered them with nonsensical questions in the online debate so that the reprobates can understand what it feels like to have their time wasted. In the second show, celebrities will stalk paparazzi with cameras and paintball guns in an attempt to wound and embarrass them.