Five Real Fights to Save Boxing

Chris Mannix on SI has presented a list of five fights to save boxing. It’s a good list, I suppose; I haven’t watched boxing since Douglas beat Tyson so I’m not qualified to judge. But it seems to me that if you really want to bring people in on the pay-per-view, the five boxing matches worth watching are these:

Ronald McDonald versus Burger King: Who wouldn’t pony up $45 to see these two icons of fast food and advertising going at each other? Back in the mid-80’s you would have easily picked Ronald, as the King had fallen out of favor. But with his spate of NFL-inspired commercials, the King definitely has momentum. And just seeing Grimace and Hamburgler in Ronald’s corner would make this all worthwhile.

Sylvester Stallone versus Arnold Schwarzenneger: Here are the two pre-eminent action movie actors from the 80s, whose careers have gone in opposite directions: one of them is a washed-up actor who spends his time pandering to the Hollywood crowd in hopes of getting work, and the other one recently remade ‘Rocky’ and is desperately in need of a Manziere.

Jason Alexander versus Michael Richards: Now that Julia Louis-Dreyfus has managed to find a hit with “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, these two can battle it out for “Least Successful Seinfeld Actor.” Alexander has become a professional second banana, while Richards tried to channel Don Imus in his standup. The winner can blame his rage on the Iraq war and everybody will be happy.

Michael Vick versus Knute (for 2009): We’ll let a wild animal bite a chunk out of Vick and see how he likes it.

Michelle Wie versus Lindsay Lohan: Media coverage of every move of these two is oppressive despite the fact that they’ve achieved very little. Plus, given the undercurrent of misogyny that accompanies coverage of Wie and the hyper-sexualized image that Lohan is desperate to broadcast, male viewership in the crucial 15 to 34-year-old range of this fight would be enormous. Throw in some bikinis and mud and you’ve got a special to rival the final episode of MASH.