Wisconsinites Riot over Obama Insult

Thousands of Cheese-Rights Activists took to the streets in Milwaukee Wednesday to protest comments made in an interview by Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, who called their state “remote,” equated cheese with “junk”, and hinted he doesn’t eat it because if you do "you'll never survive."

The protestors burned Illinois flags and called for him to be censured. Obama, an Illinois senator, is currently the Democratic frontrunner in the presidential primary.

One of the masked ringleaders told reporters that “It is unconscionable that this man besmirches the honor of Wisconsin, Iowa, and cheese. We demand an immediate apology from him, the Democratic Party, and the entire state of Illinois. Unless our demands are met we will continue to riot until we run out of beer or cheese or, God help us all, both.”

The protests marked the latest in a string of high-profile embarrassments for the Obama campaign, from discovering that al-Qaeda is already in Iraq to finding out that no one can really tell the difference between butter and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”

“This is all just part of the right-wing noise machine,” said a member of the Obama campaign. “Senator Obama has nothing but respect for the remote cheese-eating denizens of the Midwest. In fact, with his commitment to protectionism and increased environmental awareness, all these fine people will have to eat in the future is locally-grown cheese.”

Hillary Clinton, having tried everything to catch up to Obama without success, attempted to outdo him in his disdain for Wisconsinites. A spokesperson said that “if those inbred, cow-loving, cheese-swilling hicks don’t like it, they can take their overstuffed colons and move to Canada.”

Police said that the protest remained peaceful because no one had insulted Brett Favre or the Packers, but they were nonetheless monitoring the situation from Madison.

Art Thieves Steal Lunch Pail from Guggenheim

Would-be art thieves today stormed the Guggenheim museum in New York in a daring daylight robbery and made away with some garbage and a guard’s lunch pail. Loss from the theft, latest in a string that has plagued the art world, was estimated at fifteen dollars and change.

“It was terrifying,” said guard Gary Peterson. “I was scared out of my wits. They were waving guns around and grabbing up everything they could. I tried to tell them it was just my lunchbox, but they thought it was modern art and really valuable. The worst part was, it had my February issue of Swank in there, and I hadn’t read the articles yet.”

Museum curators said that the garbage was left over from their latest exhibit by European conceptual artist Öéçù, who uses it to “present a less bourgeois view of the interconnectedness of all living and nonliving creatures that sustain our normative views of climate and society.” They said the garbage could easily be replaced by wearing a Red Sox cap at the next Yankees game.

Police officials said that they were combing the city for leads and hoped to locate the missing lunchbox quickly. “That issue of Swank sold out really fast, because it had the Lindsey Lohan naked pictures in there,” said police chief Walter Mitty. “A lot of guys down at the station aren’t too educated on the Internets, so they still need it in print. Besides, who wants to lug a computer into the john?”

Classifieds of the Damned

Help Wanted

PRESTIGIOUS Awards ceremony seeks host with charm, grace, and distinguished manner capable of keeping audience awake and acceptance speeches short. No old people or minorities need apply. Contact AAMPAS@commies.org

ONCE-REPUTABLE newspaper seeks dedicated progressives who can cover their tracks better than the slipshod morons we currently have as senior editors. Please provide evidence of experience and a ten-point outline of the proper way to slime Republican presidential candidates. Contact pennystoxx@nyt.com

CLIMATE alarmist caught off-guard by harsh winter seeks anecdotal stories of polar bears eating their young as they drown on stranded ice floes. Will pay 10 cents a word. Send to damnitscold@generationinvestment.com

UP-AND-COMING presidential candidate seeks someone who knows something about math to help me make up impressive-sounding statistics to show that America is a hellhole that is descending into ruin. Contact messiah@DNC.gov

CROTCHETY old man needs somebody who knows the value of a dollar to help him with day-to-day money issues. Knowledge of world money markets and international finance a plus. Contact getoffmylawn@GOP.gov

Seeking Positions

SELF-centered clubhouse cancer seeks position with team-oriented club. Skills include hitting home runs, furniture arrangement, and testifying before grand juries. May have availability issues after June. Does not play defense. Contact bighead@creakyknees.mlb

FORMER frontrunner seeks position which helps salvage some of my former dignity. Willing to consider seedy roadhouse dives or wearing a bear suit in a dunking booth. Contact ohgodwillthiseverend@whereisbill.com

OSCAR-winning, Nobel Prize laureate seeks upper management position with global firm dedicated to pushing questionable science for enrichment of shareholders. Will consider janitorial work as well. Excellent Powerpoint skills. Contact formermessiah@generationinvestment.com

I DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF ‘QUIT.’ That’s just one of the many words I don’t know the meaning of! Certifiable moron seeks position doing anything where I can continue to feed my narcissistic ego without producing tangible results. Contact huckster@ark.gov

For Sale

READ the real history of the US that the government doesn’t want you to know, like how the blacks are conspiring with the Jews to destroy the US and turn it into a totalitarian state! Order copies of this anonymous (wink, wink) pamphlet while supplies last! Contact DrRon@nimrod.tx

PALATIAL mansion, complete with zoo, aquarium, skinny-dipping pool, and local amusement park. Possibly haunted, as mysterious white figure seen skulking about at night. Perfect for children’s parties. $25 million or best offer. Contact freak@weirdo.perv

Personals

SEXY, soon-to-be-single retiree seeks adventurous ladies who don’t mind paying exorbitant dry-cleaning bill and hobnobbing with terrorists. Must provide body photo and proof of clean bill-of-health (crabs are okay). Contact setmefree@hillsdone.com

WIDE-STANCED congressman seeks experienced campaign manager to help with day-to-day affairs such as organizing, polling the electorate, and shaking the dew off the lily. No women need apply. Contact drdemento@imnotgayjustadventurous.perv

DO YOU hate Bill O’Reilly? I do, too. Do you think GOP stands for Groping Old Perverts? I do, too. Do you foam at the mouth every time you think about George Bush and long for the day when he is put in prison and subjected to humiliations undreamed of by Andy Dufrense? I do, too. Contact keith@nobodywatchesme.msnbc

Hillary Releases New Perfume

In order to leverage what’s left of her name recognition and pump some much-needed cash into her campaign, Hillary Clinton has released a perfume called Inevitable.

The scent, which some have described as smelling like a mix of hubris and desperation, lasts for two to four hours, after which it fades to almost nothing. Just before disappearing, the perfume bursts into flame. The effect is described as “hypnotic” both for friends and enemies alike.

Team Clinton hopes that sales of this will help them to close the gap with frontrunner Barack Obama, who has had enormous success with his scent, Messianic Musk.

BIGFOOT SEEN ON MARS!

Excited scientists at NASA today confirmed that the much-discussed “human figure” on Mars is actually a Bigfoot, which indicates that the elusive animals have relocated to the red planet in an attempt to escape certain annihilation at the hands of polluters, logging operations, and gun nuts.

Scientists confirm that Bigfeet, left, have relocated to Mars, right

“This is an exciting moment for biodiversity in our solar system,” said Tim Planktonnen, head of Panspermation Research for NASA. “Not only does it allay fears that Bigfeet are extinct, but it also means that Mars is easily habitable if humans can bring themselves closer to nature like our closest cousin.”

Cryptozoologist Amy Weatherbee said the discovery holds out hope for other threatened species. “What other animals might the Bigfeet have brought with them to Mars? Are the canals filled with Nessies and the rolling hills now inhabited by Leprechauns? We can only hope so, and also hope that eight years of Republican environmental negligence can be turned around by an enlightened philosopher-king who will save our souls and restore America’s international reputation.”

Capitalizing on the public interest in the Martian photograph, NASA has asked Congress for $600,000,000,000 dollars to send an unmanned probe to do a flyby of the moon in preparation for the day when they need to ask for an enormous budget to buy a big telescope to monitor Chinese mining operations on Mars.

“We know that given the state of bureaucratic decay in our organization we can’t hope to do anything but mimic earlier missions,” admitted Planktonnen. “But we’re hoping to be able to watch other people do something interesting, which ultimately is a lot easier for us anyways.”

Change Locally

Suppose you live in a cul-de-sac with 20 family homes, and each home has children. At a neighborhood association meeting one day, someone proposes changing the speed limit on the road from to 15 MPH to protect the children.

Nine families immediately agree; in fact, some of them want the speed limit set to 10 MPH to be extra safe. They pledge that they will drive 15 MPH from now on, regardless of whether or not the motion passes.

Six families disagree. They say they can’t drive that slow on the road because it makes them late to work.

Five don’t own cars, so they mostly agree.

The nine happen to all live on the same side of the street, so they start badgering the lone holdout on their side.

Finally the holdout agrees, but says he’ll drive 15 MPH only if the whole neighborhood does. Otherwise, he refuses to vote for the proposed limit.

The other five refuse again, repeating they simply can’t afford to drive that much slower, but encourage the ten to drive 15 MPH because they’re right that it makes the neighborhood safer.

Angry, the nine families say that the lone holdout on their side is a jerk, but that the other five are good neighbors and upstanding citizens.

Think this sounds like an asinine story?

It’s the UN position on global climate change.

All the tea in China?

This is interesting: 3,786 miners died in China last year. Anybody have any idea how this compares to the US?

Well, if China has a population of 1.3 billion that means that one in 343,000 Chinese died in a mining accident in 2007.

According to MSHA, the organization that tracks US mining deaths, 64 miners lost their lives in the US in 2007. That means that one in 4,690,000 Americans died in a mining accident last year.

Or, to put it another way, despite the fact that there only 4 Chinese for every American, for every American miner who died 60 Chinese miners died.

It’s a good thing no Olympic events take place underground…

Clinton Campaign Word of the Day

Today’s word of the day is misconstrued.

Misconstrued: (v) to misunderstand or misinterpret something

“When Barack Obama said that Hillary Clinton would force all Americans to purchase health insurance, he misconstrued her policy and displayed a lack of detailed knowledge of the issues facing the implementation of nationwide health-care coverage.”

Worst US Airports

I read this list of US airports and, quite frankly, I found it lacking. What I specifically found it lacking was a comparison of various poorly-performing US airports to stopovers in Homer’s Odyssey, which is what air travel often feels like.

So here is a more literate list, which I like to think makes the world a better place. Unfortunately, it's not in iambic pentameter, but what do you expect from a free blog?

New York’s Kennedy and LaGuardia: Scylla and Charybdis
Basically, these two airports suck, and trying to fly into either one of them or (Athena forbid) making a transfer between them is like trying to navigate these ancient horrors: you’re more likely to be eaten or drown than make the trip without issue.

New Jersey’s Newark Liberty: The Underworld
I don’t have any proof that Newark airport is located in Hell, but let’s just say that the anecdotal evidence certainly points that way.

Detroit Metro: Cyclops’s Island
While there’s probably not a giant one-eyed monster somewhere in this airport waiting to devour you, it’s cramped, smells bad, and is full of drunken idiots who make you feel like nobody.

Washington Dulles: Calypso’s Island

Not only will you end up waiting seven years for your baggage, there’s a good chance your wife won’t believe whatever story you tell her about your business trip, either.

North Carolina’s Charlotte Douglas: Lair of Laestrygones
Because everybody knows that those people in the South are all cousin-marrying cannibals. At least all educated people know that.

Chicago O’Hare: King Aeolus’ Island
Because no place in current politics is more famous for windbags than Chicago.
Honorable Mention: Boston’s Logan

Dallas/Fort Worth: Circe’s Island
If Jerry Jones isn’t safe from the terrible magic that’s turning him into some sort of bug-eyed man-pig, then who among us is?

Las Vegas McCarran International: Isle of the Sirens
If there’s an airport in the world where more men have been driven to ruin by the singing voice of temptation (be it from slot machine or nearby brothels), I don’t know where it is.

Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson: Troy
Troy was sacked and burned after they took in a wooden horse. Atlanta has been sacked and burned, and used to host Jane Fonda, who looks kind of like she’s made of wood and appears to have been rode hard and put away wet. *

San Francisco International: Thrinacia (land of Helios)
One minute you’re trolling for a babe, the next minute you’re surrounded by she-males fearing for your life. This is life in San Francisco (or so I’ve been led to believe: I’m too frightened to go there myself).

Miami International: Land of the Lotus Eaters
Miami has everything: beautiful beaches, perfect weather, bikini-clad women. Why do they even have departure gates?

Your Local Airport: Ithaca
It’ll take you forever to get there, once you do you’ll have to wait, and the whole time you’ll be hoping that there’s not a long line of guys banging your wife.

* Because every Barbarella makes every post better:

How to Read ESPN.com

As a service to both my readers, I thought I’d provide a guide to the ESPN.com Page 2 columnists. I’ve been following Page 2 for many years now, having weathered everything from the Page 3 debacle to the dark days of Dan Shanoff.

For all you newcomers, here’s a handy style guide to what kind of article you can expect when you click on any of these writers currently serving in sportswriters’ purgatory.

Easy Like John Tesh

Just as John Tesh ruined the Olympics by focusing on the athletes’ “personal stories,” so these columnists prattle on over things we couldn’t care less about. Better still, they often try to negate any sort of joy you might feel about enjoying sports by finding downtrodden former players and sometimes hinting that it was sports that drove them to ruin.
Sam Alipour
Mary Buckheit
Jeff Pearlman

Let us discuss this word...

ESPN consistently labels these writers as humorists, despite the somewhat niggling detail that they’re not funny, except perhaps in some sort of Bizarro world.
[UPDATE from e-mail: “Bizarro think they funny! In Bizarro world, this mean they not make Bizarro laugh! They bad! Bizarro smash!”]
Jim Caple
DJ Gallo

Association of Carlin-Type Persons
These guys are living off a reputation for being scandalous, but they’re actually passé and not the least bit provocative. Kind of like your fat uncle who was a member of the Weather Underground but now works for Goldman-Sachs.
Bill Simmons (if your uncle had been neutered by his wife)

Larry King League
You know how you can always count on Larry for at least one “what the hell did he just say” moments during election coverage? Similarly, as you slog through the drivel of these so-called writers, you can be sure that you’ll have a difficult time figuring out what the hell they’re trying to say.
David Fleming
Scoop Jackson

Carmen San Diego Division
It’s inexplicable that these pictures don’t appear on the author’s page at the bottom, yet the articles do appear. Unless you invent some sort of wild conspiracy theory involving scandalous pictures, which I won’t do because I don’t know how to Photoshop.
Todd Boyd (often)
Jonah Keri

“Aren’t those just words dumb people use to sound smart?” Collective
Some writers believe that even if you’re writing drivel, if you throw in enough big words it’ll look profound and meaningful. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: obfuscation through elocution is not elucidation.
Todd Boyd
Jeff Pearlman

Pele Who? Relegation League
There are some things that no matter how much you push them on me, I’ll only resist them because I don’t care. I understand that it’s not their fault I don’t care, so I won’t insult them. I’ll just say that I never read what they write because I don’t care. Have I mentioned that I don’t care?
Patrick Hruby
Paul Lukas

Hoary old chestnut roasters
Great writers can help us to see something from a totally new viewpoint by bringing a fresh viewpoint to a familiar topic. That’ll never happen to these writers, since they ceaselessly rehash the same exact stories over and over and over again.
Mary Buckheit
LZ Granderson
Jemele Hill

Twister! Masters
I love this group, because they go through the most torturous contortions known to man in order to address some topic tangential to sports. Of course, it’s almost unanimously “Bush lied, people died!” but I’m sure that after the 2008 elections they’ll find something new to carp on.
Jim Caple
Gregg Easterbrook
Jeff Pearlman (bonus points for his recurrent anti-Jesus theme)

The Peter Principle
Maybe they’ll develop into top-notch talent someday. As of now, that day has not yet come.
Jemele Hill
Patrick Hruby
Eric Neel
Kurt Snibbe

Walter Durantly Memorial Award
When ESPN needs a company voice to sally forth and defend the indefensible, they know who to trust to bring home the bacon. Whether it’s pumping up the AFL (partially owned by ESPN) or excusing Colin Cowherd’s latest excess, you can always count on a homer to look the other way as thousands of Ukranians starve in the gulag.
[Note: I am aware that I have earned entry in the Twister! division for that paragraph alone]
Le Anne Schreiber

Keep a defibrillator handy
As Bill Murray said to Punxsatawney Phil, “Don’t drive angry!” These writers should really remember that, as their palpable anger seethes from every word. Or go ahead and get angioplasty now, whichever one will bump up their life expectancy.
Jim Caple
Tim Keown

Caldecott Awards Honorees
These award-winning writers can always be counted on to provide well-written, thoughtful material on sports and society today or a humorous insight into the foibles of the sports world.
(This section closed until further notice)

Happy reading!