I am the world's foremost Bigfoot authority

Let's get one thing straight: they're extinct.

I got a letter from Amanda Beals at MainStreet.com, where Jim Cramer desperately needs an editor. She wanted me to link to a piece about how much a makeover for Bigfoot would cost, which I'm not going to do because they clearly left out the services of a taxidermist, which of course you'd need to properly prepare a Bigfoot for display.

Because, and I repeat myself here, they're extinct.

A quick search reveals that the prolific Ms. Beals somewhat papers blogs trying to drum up links, which sent me from "feeling special" to "feeling cheated upon" within a two-nanosecond interval. I have no idea why this should be, since all she's doing is what every responsible blog owner does: try to publicize their product.

Well, except me. I just spam by cross-posting everything to those foolish enough to sign me up as a coblogger.

BIGFOOT SEEN ON MARS!

Excited scientists at NASA today confirmed that the much-discussed “human figure” on Mars is actually a Bigfoot, which indicates that the elusive animals have relocated to the red planet in an attempt to escape certain annihilation at the hands of polluters, logging operations, and gun nuts.

Scientists confirm that Bigfeet, left, have relocated to Mars, right

“This is an exciting moment for biodiversity in our solar system,” said Tim Planktonnen, head of Panspermation Research for NASA. “Not only does it allay fears that Bigfeet are extinct, but it also means that Mars is easily habitable if humans can bring themselves closer to nature like our closest cousin.”

Cryptozoologist Amy Weatherbee said the discovery holds out hope for other threatened species. “What other animals might the Bigfeet have brought with them to Mars? Are the canals filled with Nessies and the rolling hills now inhabited by Leprechauns? We can only hope so, and also hope that eight years of Republican environmental negligence can be turned around by an enlightened philosopher-king who will save our souls and restore America’s international reputation.”

Capitalizing on the public interest in the Martian photograph, NASA has asked Congress for $600,000,000,000 dollars to send an unmanned probe to do a flyby of the moon in preparation for the day when they need to ask for an enormous budget to buy a big telescope to monitor Chinese mining operations on Mars.

“We know that given the state of bureaucratic decay in our organization we can’t hope to do anything but mimic earlier missions,” admitted Planktonnen. “But we’re hoping to be able to watch other people do something interesting, which ultimately is a lot easier for us anyways.”

Expedition: Bigfoot

So I read from the AP that Matthew Moneymaker and his group, Bigfoot Field Research Organizers, are on their 31st expedition to find traces of the elusive Gigantopithecus (according to a quoted cryptozoologist, a job which I aspire to have someday), also known as Bigfoot.

I'm going to assume that this isn't some excuse to convince their college-age graduate assistants to go skinny dipping in the woods. Moneymaker says that they're hoping to "meet local people who might have seen Sasquatch" and will be seeking evidence.

Well, it just so happens that last week, while on vacation in the UP of Michigan where they'll be hunting, I picked up several authentic items of Bigfoot's presence, which in the spirit of Moneymaker's fortuitous name I am willing to sell:

• Actual bigfoot doodie; this can be supplied in as large a quantity as desired but requires 24 hours "preparation time" ($25 /half-pound)


• Bigfoot hair, either brown (18") or black (1.5 inch) with some graying ($5 /bag)


• A "John Edwards 2008" campaign button (free; even the Bigfoot didn't want this)


• Plaster cast of a bigfoot foot print, with a jar of authentic Michigan soil as proof of authenticity ($250, because plaster is expensive)


• Actual photo of a tree with a Sasquatch hiding behind it (Bigfoot not visible) ($30)


• Eyewitness testimony from a woman about her affair with her beloved 'Brilliant Beast'($100; sample here)


• A 'Bigfeet do it bigger' bumper sticker ($50)


• Bone gnawed on by a Bigfoot (chicken; free with purchase of other item)


• Sasquatch to Esperanto dictionary, with rare William Shatner spoken word album in Sasquatch ($2500)


• Proposal by the Third International Sasquatch Congress to lead a carbon-neutral lifestyle by purchasing offsets from the Loch Ness Environmental Recovery Foundation ($2, as valuable as what Al Gore is peddling)

Order now, because supplies are limited! Well, except the Bigfoot doodie; the bumper sticker is pretty accurate in that respect.

Bigfoot No More?

Prominent environmental groups today declared April 1 a “National Day of Mourning” for the loss of another species to global climate change. Researchers today confirmed that there are no surviving members either in the wild or in captivity of the genus Homo Erectus Hirsutus, also known as the Pacific Bigfoot.

Chet Bellweather, Chief Researcher of the Pacific Bigfoot Resource Centre, confirmed that they now believe the small population of Bigfoot still remaining in the Pacific Northwest had finally become extinct. “Sightings have been decreasing for years,” he said. “Thirty five years ago we’d get five or six sightings a week during the spring, with at least one car accident involving a Bigfoot every month. In 2000 we only had two sightings, and we haven’t heard anything since early Fall 2002 when some hikers saw a baby Bigfoot get eaten by a bear.”

“This magnificent species has been on the edge for years,” said Kathy Viracocha, president of Hooray for Animals!, a California NGO that aims to promote public awareness of animal habitat destruction. “Deforestation, human encroachment on their natural territory, and the increasing loss of their main food sources have stricken this once-noble species, possibly our nearest evolutionary ancestor, from the catalogue of biodiversity. Mankind’s genocidal urges simply cannot be sated: first the dodo bird, then unicorns, and now Bigfoot.”

“Clearly this is once again the birds of man-made climate change coming home to roost.” Al Gore stated through a press release. “Bigfeet were designed for colder weather: big mukluk-type feet, lots of hair, and a diet that mainly consisted of evergreen needles and pine cones. But now we come along with SUVs and private planes and zinc mines and drive them to extinction. Mark my words: a great reckoning is coming, and we can only hope that Mother Nature is kinder to us that we have been to the Bigfeet!”

Asked about the condition of other endangered fantastic megaflora, Bellweather was similarly pessimistic. “The Yeti, Bigfoot’s Asian cousin, has been hanging on the edge of extinction for some time as well. And I’ve been getting pessimistic reports from Scottish colleagues about the numbers of Loch Ness Monsters sighted over the past few years. Few people realize how fragile these animals are. In a rare success story, since their successful introduction in the US in the 80’s Leprechauns appear to be out of danger.”

Bellweather added sadly that, “Of course, back in ‘72 I’d have said the same thing about Bigfoots. You just never know, do you?”