Attacks on Pirates Making Them Bolder, Study Says

A non-partisan think tank, the Organization for Promoting Right-Wing Agendas (OPRA) today warned that recent counterattacks on pirates near the Horn of Africa could lead to "disastrous consequences" and would mean an escalation of pirate raids, not a decrease as some have suggested.

"Shooting and killing pirates only makes them bolder and causes their number to swell," said OPRA spokeswoman Cheyenne Markoni-Spitzhughes from their London offices. "Over two hundred years of data have shown that there's a direct correlation between dead pirates and the incidents of piracy on the high seas, with more dead pirates meaning more attacks. The world needs a better way."

Instead, OPRA suggests that world governments form a new UN agency dedicated to opening call centers in Somalia, where the pirate's natural aggressiveness can be channeled into more productive venues. "After all," Markoni-Spitzhughes said, "if they're willing to try to take over an oil tanker then they should be comfortable cold-calling people to see if they're interested in switching their long-distance carrier."

Top Democrats scoffed at the warning, however, calling OPRA a "thinly-disguised stink-tank for the Republican smear campaign."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that "every thinking person knows that pirates are like any other terror-wielding outlaw group: if you shoot them, then there are less of them active, and potential recruits inevitably turn to another, less dangerous line of work, such as tasting food additives or being a bungee cord tester."

President Barack Obama painted it in even starker terms in his White House address. "Despite Hollywood glamorizing pirates in their shameful movies, and Disney making pirating seem fun in their disgraceful rides, we will continue to bring shock, awe, and death to anyone who would prey upon the weak and the helpless on the high seas."

REVEALED: Obama is Rovian Plant!

An explosive new expose set to publish next week will reveal that, far from the starry-eyed newcomer he poses as, Barack Obama is actually a Manchurian candidate cooked up by none other than longtime Conservative blackguard Karl Rove. While White House officials have scoffed at the allegations, some Democrats have privately admitted that they had begun to suspect this themselves.

"Cozying up with lobbyists? Putting the deficit on steroids? Trying to re-establish the welfare benefits that were discredited in the mid-90s? It's been clear a long time that something's not right with Barack Obama," said one Democratic senator. "The only thing he could do worse is get distracted with some side issue, anger our critical allies, and have half his nominees withdraw in disgrace. Oh, wait!"

Among the charges the book makes are that President Obama:

-Is obsessed with making Rush Limbaugh the pre-eminent voice on television and radio, thus ensuring that the Conservative message is heard by as many people as possible

-Intended to thoroughly discredit the traditional press as starry-eyed and naïve, by first sweeping them off their feet and then by treating them like a sophomore on prom night, leaving them puffy-eyed and sore-assed

-Staffed his cabinet with the worst caricatures of liberal excesses, from anti-Semitism to rampant hypocrisy to a total disregard for basic tax law

-Has not been criticized by George Bush not because the former president respects tradition and the honor of the office, but rather because Bush knows that Rove is really the one pulling the strings of the Obama administration

-Sleeps in Star Trek pajamas

-Wanted to revive Democrat's image as "tax-and-spend liberals" by acting as a tax-and-spend liberal

Calls to Rove's sinister subterranean lair for comment were not returned, likely because the peals of his sinister laugh were echoing off its cacophonous ceiling.

Fluffy Bunny Prices Soar

European markets sagged today on news that the fluffy bunny shortage is expected to continue, with prices more than doubling to 55 euros/bunny on the German stock exchange. The move comes after the world's largest Fluffy Bunny exporter, Hamas, released a statement that their primary processing facility had been destroyed by angry Israeli soldiers wielding unfair, high-tech weaponry.

"Once again the evil crusading Zionists have shown their true colors and turned their computerized weaponry on our fluffy bunny facilities," said a Hamas spokesman late last night. "In addition to the total destruction of the fluffy bunny plant, we have also had severe damage to three schools, and old folk's home, and one entire side of our Sesame Street set was burned down. Big Bird was killed in the attack, and we still haven't located Oscar the Grouch, although a badly-burned trash can lid was found that may have been his."

Sue Messersmith-Cooper, president of International Response, criticized the US and Israel for their continued attacks on Fluffy Bunny factories. "How much longer will the citizens of this world put up with the barbarians who insist on destroying these cute, defenseless, fluffy bunnies? After coalition forces razed facilities in Iraq and Afghanistan, and continued sanctions strangle the fluffy bunny economy in Iran, was it really necessary to launch an illegal, immoral, and indefatigable attack on the poor Gazans, whose only source of income is fluffy bunnies and 'Hang In There!' cat posters?"

Even in the US ordinary consumers are starting to feel the pinch. Shopping with his family in New York, blue-collar worker Greg Packer said that "I'd planned on getting a fluffy bunny for my fiancée for Valentine's Day, but now I don't think I'm going to be able to afford it. I hope that Obama can do something to change this situation, otherwise it'll be a really long, cold night."

Candidates Line Up for Illinois Election

With Democratic leaders calling for indicted Illinois Governor Rod Blagovich to resign, it seems clear that a runoff election will soon be coming to the Land of Lincoln. As such, numerous would-be Governors are flooding the state with applications to make sure that they can get a shot at being governor of the incoming president's home state.

The current leading candidate is former NFL star OJ Simpson, who hopes his experience outrunning federal prosecutors will allow him to avoid the fate of the last two governors.

Also expressing interest is longtime Democratic standard-bearer Al Gore, who feels that the state's proximity to the water and several fine all-you-can-eat buffets makes it the optimum location to continue hectoring citizens about the coming global apocalypse.

A popular dark horse candidate is California Governor and Republican Arnold Swartzenegger, although he would like to churn out a few more wretched movies before driving another state into the ground.

Bill Clinton has been mentioned as a possible successor, but politely declined, saying he's holding out for something more prestigious than a mere governorship, perhaps working with young, ambitious men and women, helping them learn vital skills that will help them succeed in business and politics in the future.

Most surprising of all, though, is that former Illinois senator Barack Obama has tossed his hat into the ring, saying that not only does he love campaigning, but he also hopes to burnish his meager credentials with some executive experience before trying to make the jump "to prime time."

IBMS: Oil Companies No Longer Evil

The International Bureau of Moral Standards today announced that oil companies were no longer evil, owing the precipitous drop in oil prices, and that their executives would no longer be considered undesirable people and their profits considered excessive. They have instead been downgraded to “greedy”, in line with most other capitalistic enterprises.

IBMS head Doris Grey-Sterling told reporters that “this is truly an exciting time to be alive, what with oil companies no longer headed by evil, devilish men devoted to destroying the poor, and Americans finally proving that they’re not racist. In fact, everything is beautiful, and we look forward to four years of peace and harmony now. I can’t remember a time when things were possibly better, except perhaps the halcyon days of 1925 to 1928.”

In other actions, struggling artists and journeyman infielders were continued listed as “noble” while all lawyers outside of the public defense and community organizer roles maintained their “soulless” status.

McCain Eager to Return to Regular Job

With the presidential campaign finally over, Republican nominee John McCain told reporters today that he is eager to return to his true job in the Senate, where he hopes to be able to pick up again right where he left off.

"I love the Senate," said McCain in a relaxed interview Wednesday, his first after losing the presidency to Barack Obama. "I have a lot of old friends there, I like working on new legislation, and it's the only place where I can really indulge in my favorite hobby: sticking my thumb in the eyes of conservatives."

McCain said he didn't expect there to be any repercussions for his heated rhetoric on the stump. "I think that most of my Democrat friends understand what politics is about and won't hold it against me. Anyway, all of the worst stuff came from that crazy Alaska woman I was forced to saddle myself with in order to appeal to my base. I always thought that we needed more bipartisanship, which is to say, Democrats in charge of just about everything."

He said that his first priority would be "forming gangs in the Senate to find compromise on any and every issue of importance: energy, defense, the second amendment, whatever. The important thing is that we centrists gang together and meet our far-left opponents halfway, because that's what democracy is all about."

Scientific Community Excommunicates Heretic

Spokesmen for the UN's IPGM (International Panel on Giant Monsters) today announced that they had delivered their harshest sanction yet on a former internationally-renowned scientist who had begun to question their conclusions on Giant Monsters.

Guy Renauld-Fourtier, spokesman for the IPGM, said in a press conference that "further dissent shall not be tolerated, and those who speak out against the pre-drawn conclusions shall be cast out, harried, and ultimately forced to either recant their heresy or spend their lives without ever having a government grant again. And this is for the good. No data will even be considered which might go against our preconceived hypotheses."

The condemned scientist, Michael Crayton, had recently issued a controversial paper titled "Attack of the Boondoggle: how fake giant monsters are causing real economic hardship." In it, he not only questioned the efficiency of the Kong Protocol, which calls for installing giant cyborg monkeys across the globe as an anti-GMA system, but he further questioned whether or not giant monsters are real at all.

"How do we know that there are hundred-foot, fire-breathing reptiles just below the surface of the ocean waiting to destroy us? Just because somebody claims there are?" he wrote in an editorial in noted right-wing crank newspaper The Wall Street Journal. "This whole thing could just be a way to enrich alarmists, while ignoring the very real problems of water shortages, traffic congestion, and the continual fouling of the air by rising burrito consumption."

Self-appointed GMA spokesman and Nobel Peace Prize winner John K. Mondale, in London for the opening of the shadow puppet version of his groundbreaking film An Uninvited Guest, said from Zuirch that he felt the punishment was too lenient.

"Ostracization isn't enough for him, in my opinion," said the former US Vice President. "He should be stoned, or drawn and quartered, or at the very least have his tongue cut out to prevent him spreading this vicious, foul lie that there aren't any giant monsters about to devour us all. If you want more of a quote than that, you have to give me an award."

Closer to home, the ACLU said that they weren't concerned with the silencing of the scientist because "free speech only applies to that speech which conforms to the government-regulated perception of truth."

(Editor's Note: It's been a while since I did one of these. The first one is here.)

What's next for Ted Stevens?

With a possible conviction hanging over his re-election, Ted Stevens may be persona non grata in most places. But at least one town in Alaska has already started a "Stevens for Mayor" drive, and said that regardless of his pending legal troubles he will always be welcome there.

Stevensville, Alaska, is a small town located forty miles outside of Fairbanks. The main employer of the 1400-person town is the nearby Ted Stevens Prison, which is where the embattled Republican Senator may end up serving any jail time if he fails to win his appeals. The town is also home to the Ted Stevens Moose Museum and a VECO construction office.

From his house just off the Ted Stevens Expressway, resident Johnny Mackerson says that Stevens' experience would help the locals to "maximize the benefit of our great infrastructure here, from the Stevens Snowmobile School to the Stevensville Arena, home of the Stevensville Bagmen, four-time ice football champions. And with the soon-to-open Tedbridge over Stevens Gorge, we hope to be able to add lots of exciting outdoors activities."

Spokesmen for Stevens said that while the senator was originally not interested in the post, he has changed his opinion since discovering that the town, a primary recipient of both state and federal funds, has "little to no budget oversight."

Early Election Polling Results

Top-rated pollster John Zigby, who successfully predicted not only the 2004 George Bush victory but also accurately forecast Al Gore's ultimate eating problems, has released his early data from the 2008 presidential race.

As expected, Obama is showing a commanding lead (70% or more) among starry-eyed youth, gun-toting lowlifes, and welfare/drama queens. However, what is also surprising is his good showing among pencil-necks (60%), arugula fanciers (58%), and cigar aficionados (52%), all traditional Republican supporters.

McCain, meanwhile, has seen his support among minorities more than double George Bush, capturing 4% of their vote so far. He also has a commanding lead (80% or more) with bluehairs, gun-clinging bible thumpers, and bitter angry women who despise the patriarchy.

Especially noteworthy was the two-hour line near polling stations in West Virginia to apply for temporary work permits for coal miners to work outside the United States in the event of an Obama victory.

Based on the surveys, MSNBC declared Obama the winner with "seventy million billion" electoral votes. The logic for this was explained by Keith Olbermann:

"McCain is a violent psychopath who will destroy the world. IMPEACH BUSH!"

First Space Votes Make History

In a historical first for any election, astronauts aboard the International Space Station today cast their ballots for president. The voting, widely hailed as "taking Democracy to the stars," went smoothly despite the obvious logistical problems attendant with taking votes from people thousands of miles away from their home states.

"It makes Dixville Notch look like the pompous, backwards jackasses they really are," said spokeswoman Helen Thomas-Crudump from ACORN, which had spearheaded the charge to register the astronauts. "And with seven hundred and forty-five people in the space station, most of them registered Democrats from the state of Pennsylvania, it's clear that we need to make sure that their votes are counted."

She noted that "it's just like Fort Penguin, Antarctica, where over two thousand soldiers from the Third Ohio Infantry are currently serving, who ACORN helped to vote early. We're committed to getting every vote to count, in our zeal even sending the same vote to two or three different precincts."

Not everyone was pleased with the move, however. Joe Biden warned that he felt "this might be the first step on the road to a war with the Klingons, or the Russians, whichever one of them it was that had those big ears and drooled a lot. Oh, yeah, that was Laura Bush!"

When no one laughed Biden promised to "throw your asses all in prison once I'm in the White House."

California to Export Energy by 2015

After a long battle between faux Republican governor Arnold Swartzenegger and the California Legislature, which is mostly communist with a green garnish, the government of the largest state has committed itself to developing its vast resources of smug for the production of clean energy, which it hopes to provide to the rest of the nation.

“Just the smug from San Francisco alone could power the Eastern seaboard!” said Green Party chairman Karl Lenin. “And if we can get even one of the smug generators in West Hollywood or Beverly Hills operating, we’d be able to power every state west of the Rockies! Except for Wyoming, home of Dick Cheney and a festering hellhole that should be depopulated.”

A spokesman for the governor called it “yet another nail in the coffin of Arnold’s political career and a clear sign that the constitutional ban on non-citizens running for president was a very good thing.”

Scientists pointed out that there is no known way to turn smug into anything other than annoyance, but other than global warming they are typically wrong about everything, so they may be ignored.

Millionaire investor T. Boone Pickens said he looked forward to selling the Smug Collectors, because “whether or not they work I’ll get my millions selling them.”

Al Gore said that while encouraging, the step didn’t go far enough. “We’ve reached a tipping point, a veritable point of no return, where we are over the knife edge and past the event horizon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of trite phrases, and I have to go now because I just got word that another one of my houses has been burned to the ground.”

Gore Mansion Destroyed in a Fire

Angry youths wearing green masks today stormed the Gore compound and burned it into the ground, declaring it “a hazard to children and other living creatures” because of its massive consumption of electricity, natural gas, and Ho-Hos. The rioters also overturned a Twinkie truck that was making a delivery.

There were no reported injuries.

The move comes just after Gore exhorted his followers to act with “civil disobedience” against any organization which might be harming the earth by carbon emissions. It was not clear at press time whether or not Mr. Gore had intended himself to be a target, and he was unavailable for comment due to being en route to Swaziland via private jet to collect the 2008 “Good Citizen’s Award for Fossil Fuel Avoidance.”

A spokesman for the protestors said that they intended to find Gore’s boat, which they had christened “The Goreitania”, and sink it as well.

“Al won’t mind,” he said. “He’s cool with us tearing stuff up and breaking windows to slake our thirst for environmental justice. After all, we’re just helping him live more simply, like when George Bush beat him in 2000 and retired him from politics. That’s why from now on, I’m voting Republican, to give our messiahs more time to concentrate on their vision!”

AAPS Condemns "New Crusade"

A leading civil-rights organization spoke out today against "the ongoing crusade" in the United States and warned that unless corrective actions are immediately taken "the future will be bleaker than at any time in the past two hundred years."

The American Association for the Protection of Strawmen (AAPS) issued a statement today that they were very concerned about the direction of the presidential election.

"Things usually get heated around this time of year," the statement said. "But since the conventions, our offices have seen a surge in attacks on Strawmen. Since John McCain announced his VP nominee, over six thousand strawmen per day have been tortured and murdered. We are particularly concerned by reports that both campaigns have been caught abducting strawmen from their homes."

The AAPS took the unusual step of naming several leading suspects in the ongoing attacks on Strawmen. "Particularly reprehensible has been the behavior of some so-called 'Mainstream Media' figures, who have killed four or five strawmen per show over the past few weeks. We estimate that Keith Olbermann, Daily Kos, and Time magazine are responsible for at least 40% of all Strawman-related violence."

A spokeswoman for the AAPS urged Americans of all political stripes to set aside their hostility for strawmen. "It's time that we realize that strawmen are just like us, with hopes and dreams for the future, and we should allow them to realize those dreams without living for fear that someone will jerk them up and destroy them in front of a howling, frenzied crowd without any regard for logic or reason."

The Untold Story of the Hadron Collider

CERN, Switzerland: A group of physicists decided to play God las week and almost doomed humanity in the process. Thankfully, a latter-day Hercules was on site to prevent the experiment from going out of control and news reports are that, for the moment, the world is safe.

As the pencil-necked geeks looked on in horror, a cascade of reactions led to the creation of thirty black holes, each more ravenous than the last. They quickly forced their way through the isolation chamber and menaced not only the scientists but the stability of the Earth itself.

Because all present were physicists, and even worse European, they were unable to do anything except beg for their lives and offer anti-American rhetoric in a desperate attempt to placate the subatomic threat.

Fortunately for humanity, Chuck Norris and his family were vacationing in Switzerland last week as well, as Mr. Norris had anticipated that there might be a problem when the scientists opened the Pandora's box of particle collision. Norris acted quickly, penetrating deep within the fortress-like installation, and after a series of throat kicks and crotch punches the black holes were dissipated into their component particles.

Early reports indicated that Norris was slightly injured when scratched by a pencil from a swooning scientist, but later it was revealed that when Chuck Norris wants to sharpen a pencil he just rubs it against his diamond-like skin and it was in fact the pencil which was injured.

Bombshell Allegations Threaten to Sink McCain

For the second consecutive presidential election, a candidate's war record has come under fire from those who served with him. This time, however, it is the Republican candidate who will have to answer serious charges about how he really spent the war.

The charges, which are dubbed "Swift Boat 2: The Revenge" after the scandal that sunk John Kerry's presidential bid in 2004, have been circulating for weeks in the blogosphere but have recently caught nationwide traction following advanced publication of excerpts from a damning book titled "Industrial Light and McCainiacs: the Real Story of the Hanoi Hilton."

Written by noted POW expert Colonel Robert E. Hogan, the book is set to be published in September just after the conventions. The book was slated for publication much earlier but was derailed by the untimely death of Hogan in what some have called a government hit job calculated to look like an ordinary death by influenza and falling down stairs onto several knives and at least three bullets.

Hogan's book alleges that McCain's captivity was actually fabricated by the US government in order to create "the perfect political candidate to prevent any outsiders from ever challenging the establishment and taking the presidency." This candidate, John McCain, would only be used in very limited circumstances, such as the accession of a minority to the presidency or the potential return of liberalism, which the government previously prevented by the assassination of the Kennedy twins.

Hogan's research showed that McCain and his captors, rather than being held in the steamy jungles near Hanoi , were in fact captive on the island of Molokai . While the other prisoners believed they were in a Vietnamese prison, McCain knew the truth, and his long periods in "solitary" were actually spent reading and playing ping-pong in the Officer's Mess.

Many have speculated that this is why he recently stole a Soltzenietsen anecdote as his own, and that his limp is due to slipping on a shuffleboard disc, which, unlike most normal people, he was a fan of long before he became an elderly person.

The retired army Colonel also provides a photograph showing that the head jailer of the reputed prison was, in fact, played by Pat Morita. The photo was declared "true and accurate" by an independent research company, Mapes/Rather Investigative Services.

"The worst injury John McCain suffered in the war was tennis elbow," said a spokesman for the book. "Colonel Hogan proved this, and that's the reason that the government had him killed. But the truth must out, so we're doing our part to let people know what kind of vile man John McCain really is."

But not everyone is convinced. Right-wing sites have been spreading misinformation about the book, particularly by defaming its author. "Everybody knows that Hogan was a pervert," said one angry commenter on the right-wing hate site CNN.com. "He caught bird flu at a chicken orgy and was convicted six times of public indecency with farm animals!"

Democratic Chairman Howard Dean emerged from hiding, where he was hoping the election would not collapse into failure and prove his incompetence, to demand that McCain address the charges. "John McCain needs to come clean with the American people and prove that he didn't actually spend those years in captivity in Hawaii and that there's no gigantic, secret conspiracy that has destroyed every shred of evidence to the contrary. If he can't do that, then he's not fit to lead this country."

Barack Obama, the probable Democratic nominee for president, called the issue "a distraction from the real issues" and called on McCain to "answer them fully and completely with corroborating evidence and faultless timelines so we can focus on debating the future of this nation."

Naked Woman Closes Airport

An angry naked woman shut down New York's JFK airport for four hours on Monday after demanding a fare reduction and special treatment in the security line. The woman was charged with violating public nudity statutes and unlawful possession of a badger, but escaped in the confusion outside the airport as officers tried to decide which one of them would handcuff her.

The altercation started when the woman, late for a flight and dismayed at rising fuel surcharges, stripped off her clothes at the ticket counter and demanded that the agent give her a refund. She insisted that since clothes weigh 5 to 10 pounds she deserved to pay less than "your average fatass, freeloading American."

Descriptions of the woman were vague, with ticket agents saying she had "a tremendous bust size" while a group of frat boys waiting in line for a plane to Acapulco described her as "stacked, racked, and all that."

One woman said she "looked like a skanky ho" but could not elaborate.

After receiving her refund, the woman tried to bypass normal security procedures. Agents said that their suspicions were aroused when the naked woman set off the metal detector.

"I think she had some cunning device implanted somewhere," said a spokesman for the department. "But nobody got to search her, since the moment the metal detector went off she made a break for the exit."

Although police caught the woman, the three officers argued about which one got to handcuff and frisk her, eventually devolving into a fistfight. During the confusion the woman escaped by hitching a ride with a passing motorist who had just seen his wife off for a long trip to visit her parents.

Police are advising people to stay away from all naked women until she is apprehended, as she is to be considered armed, dangerous, and possibly sexy.

DNC Issues "World’s Most Dangerous" List

As a continuing effort to bolster their credentials on National Security, the DNC today issued a list of "governmental and private organization, leaders, and opinion shapers that are making the world a more dangerous place by their continued attack on liberty and freedom everywhere."

Chairman Howard Dean said in a statement that "the Republican-driven image of Democrats being soft on security is a fable, and this list shows that we will look tyrants in the eye and tell them 'enough.' The American people know that the Democrats, and our potential nominee, will protect our way of life regardless of the cost."

The list includes:

Colonel Sanders
"He might try to fool you by dressing like Uncle Sam, but this unpatriotic grease-grubber wants to fatten us up for totalitarian slaughter. Only through dietary purity can we hope to achieve balance with our planet and our own health. Eating fried foods is not only unhealthy; it's unethical, unenvironmental, and unpatriotic."


John Bolton
"There hasn't been a mustache this threatening since the heyday of Yosemite Sam, shooting up the streets of Gold Gulch until a brave rabbit managed to stop him. Well, the DNC symbol might be a donkey, but we have the heart of a rabbit, and we'll stand up against this warmonger and see him tried in The Hague for the next thirty years to ensure that justice is done."


Fox News
"Mouth organ of the neo-conservative warmongering latter-day Nazis that seek to dissemble instead of dialogue. Anchors are little more than administration spokespeople on a wide variety of issues from repressing the urban poor to disbanding unions to starting new wars to distract from an economy that is swirling down a toilet of chaos and despair."

Oil Companies
"When CEOs are driven around in giant luxury automobiles and you have to share a tandem bicycle just to go to work, you know that the capitalist system has become unbalanced to the breaking point. So it's time to slap a windfall profit on these people, because 10% IRR is just way too much."

Mugabe: what about me?

Zimbabwe’s former president and chief thug Robert Mugabe today issued an angry statement denouncing his fellow dictators for “rushing ahead to endorse Barack Obama” without waiting for the strongman, who is in the middle of a desperate battle to rig a one-party runoff election.

“We agreed on the conference call that we would coordinate our endorsements for maximum effect,” Mugabe said. “But then Kim, Hugo, and Fidel all rushed ahead to endorse Obama without waiting for me. They know it’s not easy to rig an election! I’m busy here!”

Observers said that Mugabe was also upset about the diplomatic slap given to him by Queen Elizabeth. “He’s mad because an 82-year-old woman has given him such disrespect,” said one. “He’s been getting a free ride from everybody else as he happily burned his way through political opponents, so it was a rude awakening when she took away his knighthood. He was so despondent he almost couldn’t finish his arugula sandwich at the latest UN summit on world hunger.”

Responding to Mugabe’s disappointment, Kim Jong-Il said “I use cat pee to make my hair stand up!”

Obamic Scholar Condemns John Stewart

A leading Obamic scholar today condemned comic John Stewart, saying that the Daily Show host had “trampled on the dignity of Barack Obama” and warning that any further transgressions would be “dealt with in the most strenuous possible fashion.”

“It is not allowed to demean the dignity of the most high,” Joseph Palermo, one of the Obamic scholars at the Huffington Academy said. “He must be treated with the respect due an incarnation of greatness. It is never acceptable to mock Obama, may his election be guaranteed.”

Palermo said that Stewart’s comment that it was all right to laugh at the candidate was wrong, and a misreading of Obamic law. “It is never acceptable to laugh at Obama, may his election be guaranteed. There are forces of darkness, called Republicans, who stalk the land seeking to discredit the Ordained One. No believer must help them, and they must be shunned wherever found.”

“Stewart has helped these dark forces, and he must pay penance and seek forgiveness before he can be considered one of the faithful again,” Palermo added. “I am glad that he is on television, because all supporters will know him, and how to find him, if Obamic justice must be administered.”

Eric Holder Enters Advisor Protection Program

Obama Vice Presidential advisor Eric Holder entered the FBI’s Advisor Protection program today amidst rumors that he would soon be run down by an out-of-control bus. The rumors, stoked largely by right-wing hate sites such as HotAir, had FBI officials worried that the recent history of Obama advisors being run down might repeat itself.

“We’re taking these allegations very seriously,” said Samantha Wright, head of the Advisor Program. “Our profilers tell us we’re dealing with a sociopath here, who time and again hurls those who displease him beneath a rhetorical bus at the first sign of trouble. We don’t want Mr. Holder to become his latest victim.”

Agents said that Holder was being held in a secure location “to prevent anyone from getting to know him better and discovering that they didn’t know him very well to begin with.”