HELP WANTED
Large lakefront town with poor economy, weak infrastructure, rampant crime, and civil corruption seeks mayor. Must be good dresser, haberdashery enthusiast. Prefer eunuch. Contact motorcity@hellhole.mi.
Football team seeks owner who is not an egomaniacal moron that spends money like a drunken frat boy at a Girls Gone Wild filming. Will accept Steinbrenners, Schotts, or pretty much anybody else. Contact redskins@ohpleaselethimsell.dc.
Leading political party seeks congressional leaders. No tin-eared, ham-fisted, corruptly incompetent louts need apply. Also seeking clue. Contact democrats@congress.gov.
Former presidential candidate seeks documentary filmmaker to tell "the real story" of my fall from grace, focusing on malfeasance of press and villainous Republican smears. No experience necessary; prefer big jugs. Send photo (preferably topless) to HairyJohn@theotheramerica.us.
Network seeks anchors for pretty much any show at any time to replace cast of unprofessional cretins currently employed. Must be able to not foam at the mouth for one full hour, garner more than a 0.1 Nielson rating, and avoid on-air bickering with cohosts. Contact MSNBC@disaster.net.
SEEKING POSITIONS
Aggressive go-getter with track record of accomplishment and 18 million supporters looking for position with open-minded major political party. Experience hosting lavish parties, campaigning and being passed over for younger men. Contact hillary@bitter.PUMA.
Likeable nimrod searches for position where I can spout populist nonsense and preen in the public eye until 2012. Contact Huckleberry@gibberish.ar.
FOR SALE
LIKE NEW! Faux Greek temple backdrop, perfect for picnics, arugula fairs, or Sophocles. Some ego damage. Contact BO@hubris.com.
Want precious metals? I've got tons available at rock-bottom prices! Next shipment should arrive in 2012. Contact Phelps@aquaman.com.
Need some goodwill? We've built up a little, and we'd like to sell it…cheap! While the market is hot! We're willing to give it away for pennies on the dollar simply for the illusion of "progress"! Just contact republicans@congress.gov.
WANT TO BUY
Seeking high-powered telescope with infrared lens for observing local wildlife, specifically interception-prone quarterbacks as they get in and out of the shower. Not a stalker, just a really, really interested fan. Contact peterking@lovemesomefavre.hunky!
Need backpack-style baby carrier that allows child to be seen clearly from any camera angle yet prevents it from making noise to distract from rousing speeches. Contact sarah@notapropjustagimmick.ak.
Showing posts with label CotD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CotD. Show all posts
Monday, September 8, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Classifieds of the Damned
Help Wanted
PRESTIGIOUS Awards ceremony seeks host with charm, grace, and distinguished manner capable of keeping audience awake and acceptance speeches short. No old people or minorities need apply. Contact AAMPAS@commies.org
ONCE-REPUTABLE newspaper seeks dedicated progressives who can cover their tracks better than the slipshod morons we currently have as senior editors. Please provide evidence of experience and a ten-point outline of the proper way to slime Republican presidential candidates. Contact pennystoxx@nyt.com
CLIMATE alarmist caught off-guard by harsh winter seeks anecdotal stories of polar bears eating their young as they drown on stranded ice floes. Will pay 10 cents a word. Send to damnitscold@generationinvestment.com
UP-AND-COMING presidential candidate seeks someone who knows something about math to help me make up impressive-sounding statistics to show that America is a hellhole that is descending into ruin. Contact messiah@DNC.gov
CROTCHETY old man needs somebody who knows the value of a dollar to help him with day-to-day money issues. Knowledge of world money markets and international finance a plus. Contact getoffmylawn@GOP.gov
Seeking Positions
SELF-centered clubhouse cancer seeks position with team-oriented club. Skills include hitting home runs, furniture arrangement, and testifying before grand juries. May have availability issues after June. Does not play defense. Contact bighead@creakyknees.mlb
FORMER frontrunner seeks position which helps salvage some of my former dignity. Willing to consider seedy roadhouse dives or wearing a bear suit in a dunking booth. Contact ohgodwillthiseverend@whereisbill.com
OSCAR-winning, Nobel Prize laureate seeks upper management position with global firm dedicated to pushing questionable science for enrichment of shareholders. Will consider janitorial work as well. Excellent Powerpoint skills. Contact formermessiah@generationinvestment.com
I DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF ‘QUIT.’ That’s just one of the many words I don’t know the meaning of! Certifiable moron seeks position doing anything where I can continue to feed my narcissistic ego without producing tangible results. Contact huckster@ark.gov
For Sale
READ the real history of the US that the government doesn’t want you to know, like how the blacks are conspiring with the Jews to destroy the US and turn it into a totalitarian state! Order copies of this anonymous (wink, wink) pamphlet while supplies last! Contact DrRon@nimrod.tx
PALATIAL mansion, complete with zoo, aquarium, skinny-dipping pool, and local amusement park. Possibly haunted, as mysterious white figure seen skulking about at night. Perfect for children’s parties. $25 million or best offer. Contact freak@weirdo.perv
Personals
SEXY, soon-to-be-single retiree seeks adventurous ladies who don’t mind paying exorbitant dry-cleaning bill and hobnobbing with terrorists. Must provide body photo and proof of clean bill-of-health (crabs are okay). Contact setmefree@hillsdone.com
WIDE-STANCED congressman seeks experienced campaign manager to help with day-to-day affairs such as organizing, polling the electorate, and shaking the dew off the lily. No women need apply. Contact drdemento@imnotgayjustadventurous.perv
DO YOU hate Bill O’Reilly? I do, too. Do you think GOP stands for Groping Old Perverts? I do, too. Do you foam at the mouth every time you think about George Bush and long for the day when he is put in prison and subjected to humiliations undreamed of by Andy Dufrense? I do, too. Contact keith@nobodywatchesme.msnbc
PRESTIGIOUS Awards ceremony seeks host with charm, grace, and distinguished manner capable of keeping audience awake and acceptance speeches short. No old people or minorities need apply. Contact AAMPAS@commies.org
ONCE-REPUTABLE newspaper seeks dedicated progressives who can cover their tracks better than the slipshod morons we currently have as senior editors. Please provide evidence of experience and a ten-point outline of the proper way to slime Republican presidential candidates. Contact pennystoxx@nyt.com
CLIMATE alarmist caught off-guard by harsh winter seeks anecdotal stories of polar bears eating their young as they drown on stranded ice floes. Will pay 10 cents a word. Send to damnitscold@generationinvestment.com
UP-AND-COMING presidential candidate seeks someone who knows something about math to help me make up impressive-sounding statistics to show that America is a hellhole that is descending into ruin. Contact messiah@DNC.gov
CROTCHETY old man needs somebody who knows the value of a dollar to help him with day-to-day money issues. Knowledge of world money markets and international finance a plus. Contact getoffmylawn@GOP.gov
Seeking Positions
SELF-centered clubhouse cancer seeks position with team-oriented club. Skills include hitting home runs, furniture arrangement, and testifying before grand juries. May have availability issues after June. Does not play defense. Contact bighead@creakyknees.mlb
FORMER frontrunner seeks position which helps salvage some of my former dignity. Willing to consider seedy roadhouse dives or wearing a bear suit in a dunking booth. Contact ohgodwillthiseverend@whereisbill.com
OSCAR-winning, Nobel Prize laureate seeks upper management position with global firm dedicated to pushing questionable science for enrichment of shareholders. Will consider janitorial work as well. Excellent Powerpoint skills. Contact formermessiah@generationinvestment.com
I DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF ‘QUIT.’ That’s just one of the many words I don’t know the meaning of! Certifiable moron seeks position doing anything where I can continue to feed my narcissistic ego without producing tangible results. Contact huckster@ark.gov
For Sale
READ the real history of the US that the government doesn’t want you to know, like how the blacks are conspiring with the Jews to destroy the US and turn it into a totalitarian state! Order copies of this anonymous (wink, wink) pamphlet while supplies last! Contact DrRon@nimrod.tx
PALATIAL mansion, complete with zoo, aquarium, skinny-dipping pool, and local amusement park. Possibly haunted, as mysterious white figure seen skulking about at night. Perfect for children’s parties. $25 million or best offer. Contact freak@weirdo.perv
Personals
SEXY, soon-to-be-single retiree seeks adventurous ladies who don’t mind paying exorbitant dry-cleaning bill and hobnobbing with terrorists. Must provide body photo and proof of clean bill-of-health (crabs are okay). Contact setmefree@hillsdone.com
WIDE-STANCED congressman seeks experienced campaign manager to help with day-to-day affairs such as organizing, polling the electorate, and shaking the dew off the lily. No women need apply. Contact drdemento@imnotgayjustadventurous.perv
DO YOU hate Bill O’Reilly? I do, too. Do you think GOP stands for Groping Old Perverts? I do, too. Do you foam at the mouth every time you think about George Bush and long for the day when he is put in prison and subjected to humiliations undreamed of by Andy Dufrense? I do, too. Contact keith@nobodywatchesme.msnbc
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